tell you. But Josh—like you—avoids lengthy relationships. You pointed out once yourself that he’s—um—uncomfortably close to being a rake. I don’t think it’s habit with him; it’s the need to keep control of his life.”
“Ever thought of hanging out a shingle?”
Serena smiled. “Oh, I’m no armchair psychologist. But I know Josh. His fear is based on the certainty that a brunette will be his downfall. And I only hope I’m around to see it, because it’ll be something to watch. Josh doesn’t rattle easily, but I’ll bet some dark-haired beauty will knock him flat on his back.”
After a long moment, Brian said slowly, “You don’t like to lose control either. That night in the garden you said, ‘I won’t lose control of this.’” He hadn’t known quite how to phrase the question, and thought she would probably change the subject anyway. But Serena fooled him.
She met his gaze squarely. “But I’d already lost control,” she confessed. “I found out what Josh will find out one day. You can’t control love. It isn’t made that way. It just happens, like an act of nature.”
He felt he had to say something, but didn’t know what it was.
Shaking her head, she said softly, “I thought I could control you and me, thought I could make you love me. I was wrong. You were right; there’s too much between us. Or not enough.”
Brian stared at her, his throat aching. Clearing it strongly, he said, “Nobility, Serena?”
Unoffended, she thought about that. “No, I don’t think so. Odd as it sounds, I’m a realist. If something doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work. For whatever reasons, you don’t want a commitment. I do.”
“You agreed we should let our relationship progress,” he reminded her, conscious of the tightness in his voice.
She nodded. “I know. But it hasn’t.”
“And you don’t think it will? You’re very calm about it.” He wondered how she could be, if indeed she believed herself to be in love with him. She looked away from his stare, but not before he caught a glimpse of sudden pain in her eyes. What bothered him the most was that she
had
looked away; for the first time she was hiding her vulnerability from him.
“What do you want me to say, Brian? That I’m heartbroken? We both know hearts don’t break. They just hurt. But we don’t die from the pain, even though we sometimes think we will. Timeheals—a cliché, but only because everyone knows it’s true. Well, I’m hurting, if you want to know.”
It wasn’t an accusation, but Brian felt the sting of his own conscience. That … and something else, a new pain he couldn’t define.
She smiled at him, her gray eyes tranquil again. “It isn’t your fault you can’t love me, Brian. I’d be hell for you anyway. I’d distrupt your orderly life.”
With a faint sense of surprise, he heard his taut voice. “You give up too easily.”
“Then what should I do, Brian?” Her voice was quiet. “Play Let’s Pretend? Let’s pretend I never plotted in the first place. Let’s pretend you’ll never feel trapped. Let’s pretend we’ll have an affair and not hurt when it’s over. Let’s pretend I don’t need a promise you can’t give.”
His throat was aching again. “Rena—”
“I suppose I’m an anachronism. Out of step. I suppose I should say, ‘Oh, what the hell, passion might become love.’ But I can’t say that. And you wouldn’t believe me if I did. But if you want to pretend, Brian, I won’t say no.”
She looked down at the cards still in her hand.Softly she added, “I couldn’t say no to anything you asked of me. Don’t you know that?”
Brian couldn’t take his eyes off her still, averted face. “Is that why you’ve been acting as if I never held you in my arms?” he asked huskily.
She nodded almost imperceptibly. “I can’t control this, remember? You wouldn’t have to ask, wouldn’t even have to touch me. Your room or mine, it wouldn’t matter, not tonight.
“Ever thought of hanging out a shingle?”
Serena smiled. “Oh, I’m no armchair psychologist. But I know Josh. His fear is based on the certainty that a brunette will be his downfall. And I only hope I’m around to see it, because it’ll be something to watch. Josh doesn’t rattle easily, but I’ll bet some dark-haired beauty will knock him flat on his back.”
After a long moment, Brian said slowly, “You don’t like to lose control either. That night in the garden you said, ‘I won’t lose control of this.’” He hadn’t known quite how to phrase the question, and thought she would probably change the subject anyway. But Serena fooled him.
She met his gaze squarely. “But I’d already lost control,” she confessed. “I found out what Josh will find out one day. You can’t control love. It isn’t made that way. It just happens, like an act of nature.”
He felt he had to say something, but didn’t know what it was.
Shaking her head, she said softly, “I thought I could control you and me, thought I could make you love me. I was wrong. You were right; there’s too much between us. Or not enough.”
Brian stared at her, his throat aching. Clearing it strongly, he said, “Nobility, Serena?”
Unoffended, she thought about that. “No, I don’t think so. Odd as it sounds, I’m a realist. If something doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work. For whatever reasons, you don’t want a commitment. I do.”
“You agreed we should let our relationship progress,” he reminded her, conscious of the tightness in his voice.
She nodded. “I know. But it hasn’t.”
“And you don’t think it will? You’re very calm about it.” He wondered how she could be, if indeed she believed herself to be in love with him. She looked away from his stare, but not before he caught a glimpse of sudden pain in her eyes. What bothered him the most was that she
had
looked away; for the first time she was hiding her vulnerability from him.
“What do you want me to say, Brian? That I’m heartbroken? We both know hearts don’t break. They just hurt. But we don’t die from the pain, even though we sometimes think we will. Timeheals—a cliché, but only because everyone knows it’s true. Well, I’m hurting, if you want to know.”
It wasn’t an accusation, but Brian felt the sting of his own conscience. That … and something else, a new pain he couldn’t define.
She smiled at him, her gray eyes tranquil again. “It isn’t your fault you can’t love me, Brian. I’d be hell for you anyway. I’d distrupt your orderly life.”
With a faint sense of surprise, he heard his taut voice. “You give up too easily.”
“Then what should I do, Brian?” Her voice was quiet. “Play Let’s Pretend? Let’s pretend I never plotted in the first place. Let’s pretend you’ll never feel trapped. Let’s pretend we’ll have an affair and not hurt when it’s over. Let’s pretend I don’t need a promise you can’t give.”
His throat was aching again. “Rena—”
“I suppose I’m an anachronism. Out of step. I suppose I should say, ‘Oh, what the hell, passion might become love.’ But I can’t say that. And you wouldn’t believe me if I did. But if you want to pretend, Brian, I won’t say no.”
She looked down at the cards still in her hand.Softly she added, “I couldn’t say no to anything you asked of me. Don’t you know that?”
Brian couldn’t take his eyes off her still, averted face. “Is that why you’ve been acting as if I never held you in my arms?” he asked huskily.
She nodded almost imperceptibly. “I can’t control this, remember? You wouldn’t have to ask, wouldn’t even have to touch me. Your room or mine, it wouldn’t matter, not tonight.
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