In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks: And Other Complaints from an Angry Middle-Aged White Guy by Adam Carolla Page B
Authors: Adam Carolla
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just couldn’t do the Village-dude math. And none of our dads or older brothers did it for us. Somehow in the era of disco, everyone was gay and no one was gay. Between the coke and the mirror ball, we were all temporarily blinded.
Another swish we should have seen coming was Rob Halford from Judas Priest. He dressed like an extra from The Beastmaster , no wife, no kids, man-gina goatee, and a studded codpiece. “Ram It Down,” “Point of Entry,” and “Hell Bent for Leather” are just a handful of their super-obviously gay titles that we didn’t get.
When Queen came out with that album that had all the nude chicks on the bicycles, I was like, “Freddy probably personally nailed every one of those bitches.” Freddy was giving us obvious clues, we just weren’t picking them up. It’s like we were standing under a gay basket, he threw us a no-look pass, but we missed the layup. His balls just clanked off our rim. The band was named Queen, he adopted a massive overbite and a biker-cop mustache, and yet we still didn’t get it. So he finally threw in the towel and said, “Fuck it, give me AIDS.”
REGGAE MUSIC
Reggae music sucks but no one except me will say it. Bob Marley’s “Jamming” is one of the shittiest songs ever made. And no one ever utters a word about it because somehow you’re either uptight, racist, or square if you don’t like reggae music. Here’s my problem with reggae music: You only need one reggae album in your collection to officially own every reggae song ever recorded because they are all the same.
Having a collection of reggae music is like having a collection of garbage disposals in your kitchen. If you’ve got one, you’re covered. Here’s how you know reggae music sucks. Whenever you argue with someone about reggae music they go, “Are you telling me that with your feet in the sand and the Caribbean as far as the eye can see, sipping rum out of a hollowed-out pineapple, that reggae music doesn’t sound great?” Of course it does. A recording of my mom getting raped would sound good under those circumstances. What if I made that argument? “Are you telling me you don’t enjoy Ben Folds when you’re getting your cock sucked?” Nobody else works where you are and what you’re doing into the music argument, just reggae defenders.
LED ZEPPELIN
Not only one of the greatest rock bands of all time, but one of the most secure. We’re living in a time of shameless self-promotion, where Ed Hardy T-shirts have “Ed Hardy” printed on them 250 times, Fergie’s first single was called “Fergalicious,” and every player in the NFL refers to himself in the third person. (I have a theory on the whole athlete-third-person phenomenon. They don’t do it because they’re pompous, they do it for when their wives confront them with a pile of text messages from their mistresses. That way they can say, “Debrickashaw Jackson doesn’t cheat. Debrickashaw loves his family. That doesn’t sound like the Debrickashaw Jackson I know. But if you want, I can talk to him next time I see him.”) So it’s refreshing that Led Zeppelin intentionally made their song titles confusing. Here’s a list of Led Zeppelin hits. I guarantee you know every one of them, but not by title, because they’re not mentioned in the lyrics of any of these songs.
Black Dog
D’yer Mak’er
Immigrant Song
Moby Dick
Over the Hills and Far Away
Four Sticks
Trampled Under Foot
The Wanton Song
The Battle of Evermore
This is why “Stairway to Heaven” is Led Zeppelin’s most requested song. Because no one wants to call the radio station and say, “Could you play that one that goes ‘Da-da-da, I live for my dreams and a pocketful of gold.’ ” The song titles are complex, but when it comes to the album titles, they lay them out like IKEA instructions: Zeppelin I, Zeppelin II, Zeppelin III, Zeppelin IV . The fifth album, Houses of the Holy , is where they regain their insanity. Just to fuck with you, it does
Another swish we should have seen coming was Rob Halford from Judas Priest. He dressed like an extra from The Beastmaster , no wife, no kids, man-gina goatee, and a studded codpiece. “Ram It Down,” “Point of Entry,” and “Hell Bent for Leather” are just a handful of their super-obviously gay titles that we didn’t get.
When Queen came out with that album that had all the nude chicks on the bicycles, I was like, “Freddy probably personally nailed every one of those bitches.” Freddy was giving us obvious clues, we just weren’t picking them up. It’s like we were standing under a gay basket, he threw us a no-look pass, but we missed the layup. His balls just clanked off our rim. The band was named Queen, he adopted a massive overbite and a biker-cop mustache, and yet we still didn’t get it. So he finally threw in the towel and said, “Fuck it, give me AIDS.”
REGGAE MUSIC
Reggae music sucks but no one except me will say it. Bob Marley’s “Jamming” is one of the shittiest songs ever made. And no one ever utters a word about it because somehow you’re either uptight, racist, or square if you don’t like reggae music. Here’s my problem with reggae music: You only need one reggae album in your collection to officially own every reggae song ever recorded because they are all the same.
Having a collection of reggae music is like having a collection of garbage disposals in your kitchen. If you’ve got one, you’re covered. Here’s how you know reggae music sucks. Whenever you argue with someone about reggae music they go, “Are you telling me that with your feet in the sand and the Caribbean as far as the eye can see, sipping rum out of a hollowed-out pineapple, that reggae music doesn’t sound great?” Of course it does. A recording of my mom getting raped would sound good under those circumstances. What if I made that argument? “Are you telling me you don’t enjoy Ben Folds when you’re getting your cock sucked?” Nobody else works where you are and what you’re doing into the music argument, just reggae defenders.
LED ZEPPELIN
Not only one of the greatest rock bands of all time, but one of the most secure. We’re living in a time of shameless self-promotion, where Ed Hardy T-shirts have “Ed Hardy” printed on them 250 times, Fergie’s first single was called “Fergalicious,” and every player in the NFL refers to himself in the third person. (I have a theory on the whole athlete-third-person phenomenon. They don’t do it because they’re pompous, they do it for when their wives confront them with a pile of text messages from their mistresses. That way they can say, “Debrickashaw Jackson doesn’t cheat. Debrickashaw loves his family. That doesn’t sound like the Debrickashaw Jackson I know. But if you want, I can talk to him next time I see him.”) So it’s refreshing that Led Zeppelin intentionally made their song titles confusing. Here’s a list of Led Zeppelin hits. I guarantee you know every one of them, but not by title, because they’re not mentioned in the lyrics of any of these songs.
Black Dog
D’yer Mak’er
Immigrant Song
Moby Dick
Over the Hills and Far Away
Four Sticks
Trampled Under Foot
The Wanton Song
The Battle of Evermore
This is why “Stairway to Heaven” is Led Zeppelin’s most requested song. Because no one wants to call the radio station and say, “Could you play that one that goes ‘Da-da-da, I live for my dreams and a pocketful of gold.’ ” The song titles are complex, but when it comes to the album titles, they lay them out like IKEA instructions: Zeppelin I, Zeppelin II, Zeppelin III, Zeppelin IV . The fifth album, Houses of the Holy , is where they regain their insanity. Just to fuck with you, it does
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