how she’d react to his past and the fact that he’d almost killed someone for no reason.
“You should be proud of yourself, Max. Despite everything, you managed to dig yourself out of that hole. Not many people can say that. It’s so much easier to let go and fall even further down.” She squeezed his hand to reassure him that she meant what she said. He nodded and Stella knew it was her turn to speak.
“I ... I’m scared of cars. But I can’t spend my life being afraid of this or that. So I climb in the car when I have to, grit my teeth and endure the ride. I’ve become so good at suppressing my fear that people don’t even notice how uncomfortable I am anymore. What I can never imagine doing is driving a car myself. Although I can guarantee that I’ll never drink and drive or be reckless behind the wheel, I can never guarantee that I won’t crash into someone through no fault of my own and change someone’s life just like ...”
Stella paused and gulped back her tears. Five years had passed and still talking about her father’s and brother’s deaths wasn’t getting any easier. Max squeezed her hand in turn and when she looked at him, his eyes were urging her to go on.
“My life changed in a heartbeat. Just like that” – she snapped her fingers – “everything was taken away from me. My dad and Eric were dead; my cousin and best friend, the only person who knew exactly how I felt, was moving to another country; my aunt didn’t even want to keep in touch. My greatest fear to this day is that people I care about will be torn away from my life and I won’t be able to do anything about it. I realise that’s what most people are afraid of, but I know how it feels at first hand and I never want to go through it again.
“I fight that fear every single day, because I don’t want to spend my life not actually living it, but being afraid of it. I don’t want to detach myself from the people I care about just because I’m afraid of losing them.” She paused and deliberated in her head whether she should say what came next or not. “I don’t want not to be able to fall in love because I’m scared that my heart will be broken one way or another.”
Her eyes never left his as she said those last words.
*
Getting Stella to open up to him felt like an incredible achievement. She always seemed reserved, even after he’d admitted how he felt about her.
I don’t want not to be able to fall in love because I’m scared that my heart will be broken one way or another.
The way she’d said that, looking straight into his eyes, it felt like an admission. And yet, just this morning on the beach, she’d said she didn’t want to use him as a summer fling and hurt Lisa in the process. What was Max supposed to think now?
The only thing he could think about was how much he wanted to kiss her. He couldn’t remember ever sharing such a moment with someone. Lisa and Beppe were the only people he’d ever talked to about his dad and his feelings. Even Gia didn’t know exactly how hard he’d found it to get over their father’s death.
But if he kissed her, there would be no going back. He wouldn’t care about any consequences. However, he couldn’t be sure that Stella wouldn’t care either. He wouldn’t be able to take it if he kissed her and then she rejected him.
In the end his instinct for self-preservation won. He pulled his hand out of hers and repositioned himself back in his seat. He could feel her disappointment as she moved back in her seat as well. He was disappointed, too, but he should give her some space to think. He’d made it perfectly clear that he wanted to be with her, and until she was a hundred per cent sure she wanted that as much as he did, he wasn't going to push her.
If she rejected him again, he wouldn’t be able to be around her anymore. He’d much rather spend time with her than kiss her now, only to make things awkward tomorrow when her conscience kicked in
“You should be proud of yourself, Max. Despite everything, you managed to dig yourself out of that hole. Not many people can say that. It’s so much easier to let go and fall even further down.” She squeezed his hand to reassure him that she meant what she said. He nodded and Stella knew it was her turn to speak.
“I ... I’m scared of cars. But I can’t spend my life being afraid of this or that. So I climb in the car when I have to, grit my teeth and endure the ride. I’ve become so good at suppressing my fear that people don’t even notice how uncomfortable I am anymore. What I can never imagine doing is driving a car myself. Although I can guarantee that I’ll never drink and drive or be reckless behind the wheel, I can never guarantee that I won’t crash into someone through no fault of my own and change someone’s life just like ...”
Stella paused and gulped back her tears. Five years had passed and still talking about her father’s and brother’s deaths wasn’t getting any easier. Max squeezed her hand in turn and when she looked at him, his eyes were urging her to go on.
“My life changed in a heartbeat. Just like that” – she snapped her fingers – “everything was taken away from me. My dad and Eric were dead; my cousin and best friend, the only person who knew exactly how I felt, was moving to another country; my aunt didn’t even want to keep in touch. My greatest fear to this day is that people I care about will be torn away from my life and I won’t be able to do anything about it. I realise that’s what most people are afraid of, but I know how it feels at first hand and I never want to go through it again.
“I fight that fear every single day, because I don’t want to spend my life not actually living it, but being afraid of it. I don’t want to detach myself from the people I care about just because I’m afraid of losing them.” She paused and deliberated in her head whether she should say what came next or not. “I don’t want not to be able to fall in love because I’m scared that my heart will be broken one way or another.”
Her eyes never left his as she said those last words.
*
Getting Stella to open up to him felt like an incredible achievement. She always seemed reserved, even after he’d admitted how he felt about her.
I don’t want not to be able to fall in love because I’m scared that my heart will be broken one way or another.
The way she’d said that, looking straight into his eyes, it felt like an admission. And yet, just this morning on the beach, she’d said she didn’t want to use him as a summer fling and hurt Lisa in the process. What was Max supposed to think now?
The only thing he could think about was how much he wanted to kiss her. He couldn’t remember ever sharing such a moment with someone. Lisa and Beppe were the only people he’d ever talked to about his dad and his feelings. Even Gia didn’t know exactly how hard he’d found it to get over their father’s death.
But if he kissed her, there would be no going back. He wouldn’t care about any consequences. However, he couldn’t be sure that Stella wouldn’t care either. He wouldn’t be able to take it if he kissed her and then she rejected him.
In the end his instinct for self-preservation won. He pulled his hand out of hers and repositioned himself back in his seat. He could feel her disappointment as she moved back in her seat as well. He was disappointed, too, but he should give her some space to think. He’d made it perfectly clear that he wanted to be with her, and until she was a hundred per cent sure she wanted that as much as he did, he wasn't going to push her.
If she rejected him again, he wouldn’t be able to be around her anymore. He’d much rather spend time with her than kiss her now, only to make things awkward tomorrow when her conscience kicked in
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