thinking of each other as âasparagus hottieââare now able to potentially find each other once more and start what could be a lifelong romance. Technology and peopleâs growing confidence to approach one another have made this possible. Itâs insane, the degree to which we are all constantly able to connect.
So why do we stay with Irvings when they are clearly terrible, and we could certainly do so much better? When we could go online and, within a twenty-four-hour period, have a dozen new potential Loves of Our Lives who are âmatchedâ to us with some insane percentage like ninety-two. (How is that even possible? That seems absurd.) What is the motivation to settle for something that is definitely not mutually beneficial, or even enjoyable? I find it hard to believe that we have some tiny chip lodged in all our brains that says, when we are blown off for the third evening in a row, âThis is marriage material right here. Mate with this. Reproduce with this. Put more of this into the world.â I just canât believe we are this self-defeating. But I think there is some truth to the notion that, because we are all having a tough timeestablishing ourselves and finding a real pathway to success, independence, and fulfillment, it is hard to demand that kind of self-assurance from someone else.
Our mothers would not have considered getting serious with someone at twenty-five who wasnât interested in the long term, who wasnât able, willing, or working toward being able to provide for a family and set up a home somewhere. Those were basics, and the respect that came along with those basics was essential. But today we have no individual pressure to make big decisions (or, at least, no one is surprised when it isnât possible), so we are willing to accept relationships that linger on in the not-so-serious stage for years on end. Years. Literal years.
I know people personally who have moved in with their significant others of several years, with no real plans for the future and no real feeling that their relationship is a priority in the SOâs life. When I ask them what they want, they usually respond marriage, kids, a house somewhere, being a real familyâpretty standard things. And even though it is clearly not in the cards right now for this couple, my friends are happy to stay and prolong the whole âWeâre just kind of casually seeing each otherâ process, moving in unceremoniously solely because it saves money. This is not what they want, but they assume that there is nothing better out there or that it would be unfair to ask for more. Somewhere along the line, the idea that you should only be investing in people who ultimately want the same things as you went completely out thewindowâlikely around the time bath bombs became popular.
But someone doesnât have to be rich or even financially comfortable to be moving toward the goals of one day establishing himself. At the end of the day, the defining factor in whether or not someone is going to be a good match is how he treats you and how he makes you feel about yourself. When youâre not a priority for someone else, you can feel it, and there is no reason to actively put yourself through the daily confidence beating that comes from being with someone who is indifferent to your existence. Seriously, it is incredibly humiliating to be clearly more into someone than he is into you. Itâs the emotional equivalent of walking around all day with a square of toilet paper stuck to your shoe and no one telling you; you just look like a fool, and everyone kind of silently pities you.
We know that we can do better. We know that there are kind Petes, there are empathetic Sammies, and there are legions of underrated Harries. We have options, endless options, and there is no reason not to pursue them. It doesnât matter if weâre not going to be in the white-picket-fenced house with 2.5
So why do we stay with Irvings when they are clearly terrible, and we could certainly do so much better? When we could go online and, within a twenty-four-hour period, have a dozen new potential Loves of Our Lives who are âmatchedâ to us with some insane percentage like ninety-two. (How is that even possible? That seems absurd.) What is the motivation to settle for something that is definitely not mutually beneficial, or even enjoyable? I find it hard to believe that we have some tiny chip lodged in all our brains that says, when we are blown off for the third evening in a row, âThis is marriage material right here. Mate with this. Reproduce with this. Put more of this into the world.â I just canât believe we are this self-defeating. But I think there is some truth to the notion that, because we are all having a tough timeestablishing ourselves and finding a real pathway to success, independence, and fulfillment, it is hard to demand that kind of self-assurance from someone else.
Our mothers would not have considered getting serious with someone at twenty-five who wasnât interested in the long term, who wasnât able, willing, or working toward being able to provide for a family and set up a home somewhere. Those were basics, and the respect that came along with those basics was essential. But today we have no individual pressure to make big decisions (or, at least, no one is surprised when it isnât possible), so we are willing to accept relationships that linger on in the not-so-serious stage for years on end. Years. Literal years.
I know people personally who have moved in with their significant others of several years, with no real plans for the future and no real feeling that their relationship is a priority in the SOâs life. When I ask them what they want, they usually respond marriage, kids, a house somewhere, being a real familyâpretty standard things. And even though it is clearly not in the cards right now for this couple, my friends are happy to stay and prolong the whole âWeâre just kind of casually seeing each otherâ process, moving in unceremoniously solely because it saves money. This is not what they want, but they assume that there is nothing better out there or that it would be unfair to ask for more. Somewhere along the line, the idea that you should only be investing in people who ultimately want the same things as you went completely out thewindowâlikely around the time bath bombs became popular.
But someone doesnât have to be rich or even financially comfortable to be moving toward the goals of one day establishing himself. At the end of the day, the defining factor in whether or not someone is going to be a good match is how he treats you and how he makes you feel about yourself. When youâre not a priority for someone else, you can feel it, and there is no reason to actively put yourself through the daily confidence beating that comes from being with someone who is indifferent to your existence. Seriously, it is incredibly humiliating to be clearly more into someone than he is into you. Itâs the emotional equivalent of walking around all day with a square of toilet paper stuck to your shoe and no one telling you; you just look like a fool, and everyone kind of silently pities you.
We know that we can do better. We know that there are kind Petes, there are empathetic Sammies, and there are legions of underrated Harries. We have options, endless options, and there is no reason not to pursue them. It doesnât matter if weâre not going to be in the white-picket-fenced house with 2.5
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