chair and stared gloomily at the floor. Life wasn’t fair! For the first time in her life, she’d been asked out on a date. And by the one boy she’d give anything to go out with. Except that she couldn’t because the girl he thought was her, wasn’t. And the girl he thought was pretty, was not.
She should have been honest with him from the start. Except that if she had beenhonest, he would never have wanted to see her in the first place. And the days that she’d known him in the hospital had been wonderful, because for just a short time she’d been treated as if she were a normal girl.
Carley sighed and told herself to get to work. Thinking about Kyle was only depressing her. She’d think of some reason to keep him from meeting her. After all, she’d been able to fool him and his friends once. She’d have to do it again. She’d have to come up with something that would end her relationship with Kyle once and for all. There was no choice. She’d shut the door on their friendship forever.
That night Carley did something that she hadn’t done in years. She took the family photo album off the shelf and retreated to her room, closed the door, climbed onto her bed, and spread it out in front of her.
She started with her baby pictures. She turned the pages and saw herself transform from cute, chubby, and bald with a broad, toothless smile into a gangly seven-year-oldwith front teeth missing and lank dark hair in braids. By the time she was nine, the teeth were back and the hair was brushing her shoulders.
Her fifth-grade school picture was the last one ever taken with her face in one piece. Carley stared long and hard at the grinning photo. At the perfect symmetry of her nose and eyes. At the full, dimpled cheeks and the smooth, flawless complexion. At her forehead uncluttered by bangs. Why, by anybody’s standards she had been cute, even pretty in a childlike, innocent way.
She ran her fingertips over the photograph, as if by touching it she might somehow absorb her former self into her present self. How wonderful it would be if she could align the two faces and superimpose the younger one onto her current one. How good it would be to fill in the sunken places of her “now” face with her “then” face.
She had been born whole and complete. At age twelve she’d been held hostage by cancer. And robbed of normalcy. No clever cosmetic makeover could ever make her lookwhole again. So, how did she mourn for this lost piece of herself? This missing part from the inside of her body that so affected the outside?
Carley sighed and shut the photo album. She caught sight of her reflection in the mirror over her dresser, but did not turn away. No need to ask, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” Her mirror couldn’t lie. The truth was stamped within its frame just as surely as it was stamped upon her face.
Now she resembled a piece of modern art—a painting by one of those artists who liked to paint people in the shapes of cubes and squares. Her face was right out of a futuristic drawing, lopsided and off-center. When she smiled, it caved in more tightly, like a flower turning in upon itself.
The phone call from Kyle had been wonderful and she was happy that he was able to see. But she was more determined than ever that he shouldn’t ever see her. For the girl he’d created in his imagination was the girl she wanted him to think of as Carley. Shestill wasn’t sure how she was going to get him out of her life once and for all, but she was determined to do so. No matter how much it tore her up to do it. No matter how badly it broke her heart.
Sixteen
“I ’m ready to meet you, Carley. It’s all I’ve been thinking about.”
Kyle’s words on the phone ten days later caused Carley’s heart to skip a beat and her stomach to constrict. She’d taken the call in her room on the portable phone and lay across her bed, clutching it to her ear. Her leg in the cast felt as if it
She should have been honest with him from the start. Except that if she had beenhonest, he would never have wanted to see her in the first place. And the days that she’d known him in the hospital had been wonderful, because for just a short time she’d been treated as if she were a normal girl.
Carley sighed and told herself to get to work. Thinking about Kyle was only depressing her. She’d think of some reason to keep him from meeting her. After all, she’d been able to fool him and his friends once. She’d have to do it again. She’d have to come up with something that would end her relationship with Kyle once and for all. There was no choice. She’d shut the door on their friendship forever.
That night Carley did something that she hadn’t done in years. She took the family photo album off the shelf and retreated to her room, closed the door, climbed onto her bed, and spread it out in front of her.
She started with her baby pictures. She turned the pages and saw herself transform from cute, chubby, and bald with a broad, toothless smile into a gangly seven-year-oldwith front teeth missing and lank dark hair in braids. By the time she was nine, the teeth were back and the hair was brushing her shoulders.
Her fifth-grade school picture was the last one ever taken with her face in one piece. Carley stared long and hard at the grinning photo. At the perfect symmetry of her nose and eyes. At the full, dimpled cheeks and the smooth, flawless complexion. At her forehead uncluttered by bangs. Why, by anybody’s standards she had been cute, even pretty in a childlike, innocent way.
She ran her fingertips over the photograph, as if by touching it she might somehow absorb her former self into her present self. How wonderful it would be if she could align the two faces and superimpose the younger one onto her current one. How good it would be to fill in the sunken places of her “now” face with her “then” face.
She had been born whole and complete. At age twelve she’d been held hostage by cancer. And robbed of normalcy. No clever cosmetic makeover could ever make her lookwhole again. So, how did she mourn for this lost piece of herself? This missing part from the inside of her body that so affected the outside?
Carley sighed and shut the photo album. She caught sight of her reflection in the mirror over her dresser, but did not turn away. No need to ask, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” Her mirror couldn’t lie. The truth was stamped within its frame just as surely as it was stamped upon her face.
Now she resembled a piece of modern art—a painting by one of those artists who liked to paint people in the shapes of cubes and squares. Her face was right out of a futuristic drawing, lopsided and off-center. When she smiled, it caved in more tightly, like a flower turning in upon itself.
The phone call from Kyle had been wonderful and she was happy that he was able to see. But she was more determined than ever that he shouldn’t ever see her. For the girl he’d created in his imagination was the girl she wanted him to think of as Carley. Shestill wasn’t sure how she was going to get him out of her life once and for all, but she was determined to do so. No matter how much it tore her up to do it. No matter how badly it broke her heart.
Sixteen
“I ’m ready to meet you, Carley. It’s all I’ve been thinking about.”
Kyle’s words on the phone ten days later caused Carley’s heart to skip a beat and her stomach to constrict. She’d taken the call in her room on the portable phone and lay across her bed, clutching it to her ear. Her leg in the cast felt as if it
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