Hollywood movies. Like Oreo cookies and M&Ms, it was one of those brands you faintly revered even though – at the time – it wasn’t available in British shops. So when I eventually got my hands on an authentic Hershey bar, it was quite an event.
I stared at the iconic packaging for about five minutes, as though it were a prop from the set of
Ghostbusters
, before unwrapping it with care, breaking a bit off and preparing to savour what would surely be the most powerfully glamorous chocolate experience imaginable.
But the moment the product itself hit my tongue I was plunged mouthwards into an entire universe of yuk. In terms of flavour, it tasted precisely like I’d swallowed a matchbox full of caster sugar five minutes earlier, then somehow regurgitated it into my own mouth. And the texture was crumbly, dusty – slightly old even,as though this was a chocolate bar that had been found in the pocket of a Civil War soldier and preserved specifically for my disenchantment.
It was so horrible, I charitably assumed there was something wrong with it. I was eating it in England (someone had brought it back from the States), so perhaps it had gone off somehow in transit. But no. Subsequent encounters proved I’d got it right the first time. Hershey’s tastes downright bad.
But then American mass-market snack food is downright bad in general. They can’t do crisps either. In addition to 900 varieties of Walkers, we Brits produce Frazzles and Chipsticks and Monster Munch and all manner of wacky corn shapes, in flavours ranging from pickled onion to polar bear. Virtually all American crisps – or ‘chips’, as they doggedly insist on calling them – are prosaic constructions tasting vaguely of watered-down bright orange cheese. We do bright orange cheese too, in the form of Wotsits, but we only did it once because we nailed it first time. They’ve got Cheetos in every shade of orange you could wish for (Spicy Orange! Smokey Orange!), but they’re all a bit weak; no match for the confident chemical oomph of a Wotsit.
Anyway, the prospect of the Americans – so good at so many things, so bad at snack foods – meddling with the Cadbury formula is too much for many of us to bear. Hence the protest signs outside the factory in Bournville. We’ve been told the flavour won’t change – but that isn’t enough. Kraft needs to go one better, and reassure us that our national identity will remain intact by launching a whole new range of Cadbury’s snacks that simply couldn’t exist – or sell – anywhere else in the world. Chocolate bars with a uniquely British flavour. Here are some suggestions:
Cadbury’s Full English Breakfast
Walkers have had a stab at a ‘full English breakfast’ flavoured crisp, but the result was disappointing, to say the least, because it relied on various flavoured powders. Cadbury’s Full EnglishBreakfast bar would contain the real thing: fried egg, bacon, chips and beans, mashed and compacted into a Crunchie-sized slab, covered with a layer of ketchup, then swaddled in thick Dairy Milk chocolate. It’d look and weigh about the same as a Double Decker. And yes, it sounds disgusting – but you’d have to try it once, wouldn’t you?
Cadbury’s Real Ale Eggs
Creme Eggs are all well and good, but there’s something vaguely continental about them. How about promoting the real ale industry with a chocolate egg containing 2 fl. oz. of Bishop’s Finger? If that fails to catch on, how about a range of special ‘Binge Drinker’s Eggs’ – available only in ‘Happy Hour’ packs of six – filled with sugary blue alcopop swaddled in thick Dairy Milk chocolate.
Cadbury’s Tardis Bars
Nothing fancy: these are just Tardis-shaped slabs of chocolate – part of a range that includes Caramel Cybermen and Toffee Daleks. But the proceeds go straight to the BBC, to help keep it afloat after Cameron gets in and sets about dismantling it to impress Rupert Murdoch. Other BBC-themed snacks could
I stared at the iconic packaging for about five minutes, as though it were a prop from the set of
Ghostbusters
, before unwrapping it with care, breaking a bit off and preparing to savour what would surely be the most powerfully glamorous chocolate experience imaginable.
But the moment the product itself hit my tongue I was plunged mouthwards into an entire universe of yuk. In terms of flavour, it tasted precisely like I’d swallowed a matchbox full of caster sugar five minutes earlier, then somehow regurgitated it into my own mouth. And the texture was crumbly, dusty – slightly old even,as though this was a chocolate bar that had been found in the pocket of a Civil War soldier and preserved specifically for my disenchantment.
It was so horrible, I charitably assumed there was something wrong with it. I was eating it in England (someone had brought it back from the States), so perhaps it had gone off somehow in transit. But no. Subsequent encounters proved I’d got it right the first time. Hershey’s tastes downright bad.
But then American mass-market snack food is downright bad in general. They can’t do crisps either. In addition to 900 varieties of Walkers, we Brits produce Frazzles and Chipsticks and Monster Munch and all manner of wacky corn shapes, in flavours ranging from pickled onion to polar bear. Virtually all American crisps – or ‘chips’, as they doggedly insist on calling them – are prosaic constructions tasting vaguely of watered-down bright orange cheese. We do bright orange cheese too, in the form of Wotsits, but we only did it once because we nailed it first time. They’ve got Cheetos in every shade of orange you could wish for (Spicy Orange! Smokey Orange!), but they’re all a bit weak; no match for the confident chemical oomph of a Wotsit.
Anyway, the prospect of the Americans – so good at so many things, so bad at snack foods – meddling with the Cadbury formula is too much for many of us to bear. Hence the protest signs outside the factory in Bournville. We’ve been told the flavour won’t change – but that isn’t enough. Kraft needs to go one better, and reassure us that our national identity will remain intact by launching a whole new range of Cadbury’s snacks that simply couldn’t exist – or sell – anywhere else in the world. Chocolate bars with a uniquely British flavour. Here are some suggestions:
Cadbury’s Full English Breakfast
Walkers have had a stab at a ‘full English breakfast’ flavoured crisp, but the result was disappointing, to say the least, because it relied on various flavoured powders. Cadbury’s Full EnglishBreakfast bar would contain the real thing: fried egg, bacon, chips and beans, mashed and compacted into a Crunchie-sized slab, covered with a layer of ketchup, then swaddled in thick Dairy Milk chocolate. It’d look and weigh about the same as a Double Decker. And yes, it sounds disgusting – but you’d have to try it once, wouldn’t you?
Cadbury’s Real Ale Eggs
Creme Eggs are all well and good, but there’s something vaguely continental about them. How about promoting the real ale industry with a chocolate egg containing 2 fl. oz. of Bishop’s Finger? If that fails to catch on, how about a range of special ‘Binge Drinker’s Eggs’ – available only in ‘Happy Hour’ packs of six – filled with sugary blue alcopop swaddled in thick Dairy Milk chocolate.
Cadbury’s Tardis Bars
Nothing fancy: these are just Tardis-shaped slabs of chocolate – part of a range that includes Caramel Cybermen and Toffee Daleks. But the proceeds go straight to the BBC, to help keep it afloat after Cameron gets in and sets about dismantling it to impress Rupert Murdoch. Other BBC-themed snacks could
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