I Ain't Me No More by E.N. Joy Page B

just for show. After all, he’d just slugged me because I’d been sitting there looking way too happy. I wasn’t supposed to be sitting around, feeling happy and smiling. I was supposed to remain trembling in fear. So I cried. Not just that day, but I cried a lot of days, always conscious of the fact that I could not get caught being happy ever again.
    As I turned to watch television, I noticed that my son was no longer gazing at the TV screen. He was surveying me. I wanted to just crawl under a rock and die, but instead I wiped my tear away, held my head up high, and pretended that nothing had happened. Pretended that my son wasn’t watching. But he was. And him watching shrank my soul even more. My son was the only person who had witnessed the torment and abuse firsthand. I hated that he had that knowledge. And his little brown eyes were asking me why I wasn’t fighting back. Why hadn’t I ever fought back?
    I felt like a coward in my son’s eyes. Powerless. I wanted so desperately for him to see me as strong and powerful. For now, though, he’d simply sit back with a muted voice while his father made our lives a living hell.

Stone Number Thirteen
    I used to wonder how Dub always seemed to know what was on my mind, how he’d answer a question that might have been lingering in my psyche before I ever voiced it. But then I realized it was because he had control of my mind. He’d watched me and studied me for the past four years now. He knew what I was going to say or do before I ever said or did it. He knew my thoughts before I even thought them, which was yet another reason why I never made a plan to try to leave Dub. If he sensed it, he would kill me for sure. He’d told me a million times that he would kill me if I ever tried to leave him. So eventually I blocked out the possibility of ever leaving Dub from my mind altogether. I’d made up my mind that I’d die being with Dub, even if he was the cause of my death.
    â€œThank you for driving me to the clinic,” Konnie stated as I sat next to her in the waiting room. Konnie was one of Dub’s friend’s girlfriends. Dub had known Konnie’s boyfriend, Boyd, since high school, and Konnie and Boyd had been dating since high school. They were that couple that everyone just knew was going to make it beyond high school sweethearts, and they had thus far.
    â€œGirl, don’t worry about it.” I waved my hand. “I had to drop Baby D off at Dub’s mama’s house, anyway, so I was already out. Besides, I’ma go on and get a checkup while I’m here. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been to the doctor.”
    I must admit, I was never one to take really good care of my body health wise. At nineteen years old, I could count on one hand how many times I’d been to the dentist. The few times I had gone, the dentist always managed to find a spot that needed one of those silver fillings. After I had Baby D, my doctor told me to make sure I got annual Pap smear exams. Tuh! This would probably be my first one since I’d gone back to the doctors for my six-week follow-up appointment after having Baby D.
    â€œYeah, I don’t blame you.” Konnie nodded. “Since you probably have to sit in this walk-in clinic all day with me, you might as well see a doctor for something. You got a health card, don’t you?”
    â€œYeah.”
    â€œCool. Then you ain’t got nothing to lose.”
    I really liked Konnie, and not just because she was the only friend Dub would sometimes allow me to hang around. My best friend from high school, Synthia, was way too pretty for Dub to let me hang with her outside of her visits to my place. She was a man magnet. Guys couldn’t help but stare at Synthia and boldly approach her as well. That usually meant if the dude that approached Synthia had any of his boys with him, then more than likely they would try to holler at me. Dub