standing. “Tell us how you did it.”
I locked eyes with Reid, who was still on the floor, not smiling, and he raised his
eyebrows. I pulled his sweatshirt out of my bag and tossed it to him.
“Thanks,” he said.
I looked at the floor. “You too.”
Nick cleared his throat and stood up. “Ohhh-kay.” He motioned for Amy to follow him.
“Relocating to my room when you’re ready, Reid.”
“Aw, man,” Landon said. “But it’s getting exciting.”
He left anyway, waving at me as he passed.
“I actually need to do that work,” Reid said.
I dropped my bag at the foot of his desk and sat in the chair beside it. I looked
at his walls, with posters of bands I didn’t know. And at his black-and-gray-striped
comforter, thrown haphazardly over his bed. With everyone gone, I noticed there was
music playing softly as well.
“There’s a ladder,” I said. “On the roof.”
“No there isn’t.”
“Yes. There is. From when there were fire escapes, I guess. Really obvious, if you’re
looking for it. I mean, if you want to leave, you can.”
“I’ve never seen a ladder.”
“Well, it doesn’t go all the way down. It’s just half a ladder. A third of a ladder.”
“A third of a ladder? And what about the missing two-thirds?”
“It ended right next to a window. A math room. And you know how those windows tilt
to open? I tilted it. And that’s that.” Which sounded much more dangerous than it
actually was.
He narrowed his eyes and spoke slowly. “You took a ladder and climbed through a window
on the third floor? Of course you did. I can’t decide whether you’re brave or reckless.”
I wasn’t either of those things. I was anxious and unsettled and I wanted the hell
off the roof. That’s all. “No, I’m not — ”
“Yeah, you are. You always were.”
“Always? Reid, we saw each other three times a year, tops. You barely knew me.”
“Right.” He looked like he was trying not to smile. I was trying not to smile too.
“Hey, so, I’m gonna go back. I just wanted you to know . . . I mean, not like you
asked or anything, but . . .”
Reid kept waiting, like he thought I was going to spell it all out for him. And when
he finally realized I was done, he said, “Is that your apology?”
“Is this yours ?” I asked, and this time I couldn’t really stop the smile.
He stood up so he was taller than me, and I rolled his chair back a little farther,
until it was pressed up against his desk. He stuck his hand out. “Friends?”
He didn’t lower his hand just because I kept staring at it. Not like when he found
me at the old student center. He held out his hand like we had no history. Like we
were starting over. Which was really the entire point of my coming here after all.
I stood up and put my hand in his. I expected us to shake, but neither of us did.
We just held on for a few seconds until I pulled my hand back.
I slung my bag over my shoulder.
“Are you coming to our game Saturday?”
“Um, not really my thing,” I said, moving toward the door.
“What’s not your thing? Soccer? Or me?”
I paused because there was really no right answer to that question. “Sitting on the
bleachers.”
He smiled. “Fair enough.” I walked out the doorway, and when I was in the hall, he
said, “So what is your thing?”
I thought of Colleen and the boardwalk, the beach and the sun, none of which were
here, and I kept moving, because the truth was, without her, I had no idea.
After study hall I took a sleeping pill and raced the feeling to sleep. I wasn’t fast
enough. Like running away last night had flipped some switch. Almost as soon as I
swallowed, I heard the noise. The boom, boom, boom coming closer. I closed my eyes, but I heard the voice. Mallory , it whispered. Wait.
And that’s when the hand reached out and grabbed me.
Then came the dream, same as every night. I saw the choice, like the very first time:
the knife, the
I locked eyes with Reid, who was still on the floor, not smiling, and he raised his
eyebrows. I pulled his sweatshirt out of my bag and tossed it to him.
“Thanks,” he said.
I looked at the floor. “You too.”
Nick cleared his throat and stood up. “Ohhh-kay.” He motioned for Amy to follow him.
“Relocating to my room when you’re ready, Reid.”
“Aw, man,” Landon said. “But it’s getting exciting.”
He left anyway, waving at me as he passed.
“I actually need to do that work,” Reid said.
I dropped my bag at the foot of his desk and sat in the chair beside it. I looked
at his walls, with posters of bands I didn’t know. And at his black-and-gray-striped
comforter, thrown haphazardly over his bed. With everyone gone, I noticed there was
music playing softly as well.
“There’s a ladder,” I said. “On the roof.”
“No there isn’t.”
“Yes. There is. From when there were fire escapes, I guess. Really obvious, if you’re
looking for it. I mean, if you want to leave, you can.”
“I’ve never seen a ladder.”
“Well, it doesn’t go all the way down. It’s just half a ladder. A third of a ladder.”
“A third of a ladder? And what about the missing two-thirds?”
“It ended right next to a window. A math room. And you know how those windows tilt
to open? I tilted it. And that’s that.” Which sounded much more dangerous than it
actually was.
He narrowed his eyes and spoke slowly. “You took a ladder and climbed through a window
on the third floor? Of course you did. I can’t decide whether you’re brave or reckless.”
I wasn’t either of those things. I was anxious and unsettled and I wanted the hell
off the roof. That’s all. “No, I’m not — ”
“Yeah, you are. You always were.”
“Always? Reid, we saw each other three times a year, tops. You barely knew me.”
“Right.” He looked like he was trying not to smile. I was trying not to smile too.
“Hey, so, I’m gonna go back. I just wanted you to know . . . I mean, not like you
asked or anything, but . . .”
Reid kept waiting, like he thought I was going to spell it all out for him. And when
he finally realized I was done, he said, “Is that your apology?”
“Is this yours ?” I asked, and this time I couldn’t really stop the smile.
He stood up so he was taller than me, and I rolled his chair back a little farther,
until it was pressed up against his desk. He stuck his hand out. “Friends?”
He didn’t lower his hand just because I kept staring at it. Not like when he found
me at the old student center. He held out his hand like we had no history. Like we
were starting over. Which was really the entire point of my coming here after all.
I stood up and put my hand in his. I expected us to shake, but neither of us did.
We just held on for a few seconds until I pulled my hand back.
I slung my bag over my shoulder.
“Are you coming to our game Saturday?”
“Um, not really my thing,” I said, moving toward the door.
“What’s not your thing? Soccer? Or me?”
I paused because there was really no right answer to that question. “Sitting on the
bleachers.”
He smiled. “Fair enough.” I walked out the doorway, and when I was in the hall, he
said, “So what is your thing?”
I thought of Colleen and the boardwalk, the beach and the sun, none of which were
here, and I kept moving, because the truth was, without her, I had no idea.
After study hall I took a sleeping pill and raced the feeling to sleep. I wasn’t fast
enough. Like running away last night had flipped some switch. Almost as soon as I
swallowed, I heard the noise. The boom, boom, boom coming closer. I closed my eyes, but I heard the voice. Mallory , it whispered. Wait.
And that’s when the hand reached out and grabbed me.
Then came the dream, same as every night. I saw the choice, like the very first time:
the knife, the
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