because before you break up, things get bad. You hurt each other. You hate each other, even though you wish you didn’t. I can’t look at any of the guys I used to go out with without remembering it, even if I remember some of the good things, too. By the time I decided I was better off without those guys, we’d hurt each other often enough and badly enough that neither of us could fix it. And you know what eventually does fix it?”
Letting her talk now was my best chance for keeping her quiet later. “What?”
“Someone else.” She licked a drip off her cone.
My napkin fluttered off the picnic table. Now I was listening.“He’s going to find someone, one day, and they’re going to get married, and you’re going to resent her because she’s with your ex. You won’t be friends with Marcus anymore, and you’ll resent him for hurting you. Even worse, Marcus is going to tell her about you and him, and she will not like you. And you won’t be able to get away from it, because he’s part of your family.”Imagining myself married and seeing Marcus with his wife and kids at Christmas made my stomach turn. Even after we moved out and went to college and started our own lives, we’d see each other several times a year.
82
Kate Brauning
I said nothing. I’d thought maybe we’d quit when we went to college, mutually agree it was over and that would be fine.
We’d be the cousins who were closest, we’d keep up with each other and stay friends. But with the way this summer was playing out—me resenting him, him wanting a relationship, us crossing and re-crossing our limits—it just wasn’t going to happen that way. The thought of us hurting each other so much we couldn’t get over it made my eyes sting. Claire was right.
“Oh. My. Word.” Claire squinted. “Look at me.” I did, not sure what she was talking about.
Her mouth fell open. “Jackie! You like him! Don’t you!”
“What? No.” I bit my chocolate even though I didn’t feel like eating it anymore.
“Lies. I can see it. If it meant nothing, you wouldn’t look like that. You need to end this, for real. It will be hard, but you need to make a clean break. This isn’t healthy. Once it’s done, you’ll be glad you ended it, and you’ll find someone else, and it will be fine.”
She didn’t get it. And I didn’t need her to tell me it wasn’t healthy. “But we’ll still live in the same house. It won’t be fine, because I’ll see him every day.”
“It will be weird for a while, but you’d get over it eventually.”
That was where she was wrong. If Marcus ever started dating someone else for real, I wouldn’t get over it.
Claire grinned, which was rude, because there was nothing funny about this. “See? You have a huge crush on him,” she said. “I knew it. He’s gotten kinda hot, I’ll admit, but you seriously have to get over him. He’s your cousin .”
I whipped around to face her. Whatever I had for Marcus, it wasn’t a passing, giggle-worthy attraction. “I know he’s my cousin. Stop saying that. Being cousins is the whole problem. If we weren’t—” I stopped.
What would happen if we weren’t cousins? If he lived in 83
How we Fall
town and our families only knew each other from school events? My ice cream dripped onto the picnic table.
His stability fascinated me. He was okay with how his family worked and he didn’t worry about what other people thought of him. I wanted to be more like that. He was comfortable with who he was. Maybe that was why I could talk to him so easily, why I didn’t feel the pressure I did with most other people. And he knew it was hard for me, the same way I knew it was hard for him to shake off the responsibility of being a third parent in his family and act like the teenager he was. “I don’t know,” I said.
“That doesn’t sound like a crush,” Claire said, eyebrow raised. “Jackie. This isn’t good.”
I didn’t need her to say it.
I wanted to cry or pound
Letting her talk now was my best chance for keeping her quiet later. “What?”
“Someone else.” She licked a drip off her cone.
My napkin fluttered off the picnic table. Now I was listening.“He’s going to find someone, one day, and they’re going to get married, and you’re going to resent her because she’s with your ex. You won’t be friends with Marcus anymore, and you’ll resent him for hurting you. Even worse, Marcus is going to tell her about you and him, and she will not like you. And you won’t be able to get away from it, because he’s part of your family.”Imagining myself married and seeing Marcus with his wife and kids at Christmas made my stomach turn. Even after we moved out and went to college and started our own lives, we’d see each other several times a year.
82
Kate Brauning
I said nothing. I’d thought maybe we’d quit when we went to college, mutually agree it was over and that would be fine.
We’d be the cousins who were closest, we’d keep up with each other and stay friends. But with the way this summer was playing out—me resenting him, him wanting a relationship, us crossing and re-crossing our limits—it just wasn’t going to happen that way. The thought of us hurting each other so much we couldn’t get over it made my eyes sting. Claire was right.
“Oh. My. Word.” Claire squinted. “Look at me.” I did, not sure what she was talking about.
Her mouth fell open. “Jackie! You like him! Don’t you!”
“What? No.” I bit my chocolate even though I didn’t feel like eating it anymore.
“Lies. I can see it. If it meant nothing, you wouldn’t look like that. You need to end this, for real. It will be hard, but you need to make a clean break. This isn’t healthy. Once it’s done, you’ll be glad you ended it, and you’ll find someone else, and it will be fine.”
She didn’t get it. And I didn’t need her to tell me it wasn’t healthy. “But we’ll still live in the same house. It won’t be fine, because I’ll see him every day.”
“It will be weird for a while, but you’d get over it eventually.”
That was where she was wrong. If Marcus ever started dating someone else for real, I wouldn’t get over it.
Claire grinned, which was rude, because there was nothing funny about this. “See? You have a huge crush on him,” she said. “I knew it. He’s gotten kinda hot, I’ll admit, but you seriously have to get over him. He’s your cousin .”
I whipped around to face her. Whatever I had for Marcus, it wasn’t a passing, giggle-worthy attraction. “I know he’s my cousin. Stop saying that. Being cousins is the whole problem. If we weren’t—” I stopped.
What would happen if we weren’t cousins? If he lived in 83
How we Fall
town and our families only knew each other from school events? My ice cream dripped onto the picnic table.
His stability fascinated me. He was okay with how his family worked and he didn’t worry about what other people thought of him. I wanted to be more like that. He was comfortable with who he was. Maybe that was why I could talk to him so easily, why I didn’t feel the pressure I did with most other people. And he knew it was hard for me, the same way I knew it was hard for him to shake off the responsibility of being a third parent in his family and act like the teenager he was. “I don’t know,” I said.
“That doesn’t sound like a crush,” Claire said, eyebrow raised. “Jackie. This isn’t good.”
I didn’t need her to say it.
I wanted to cry or pound
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