my new boyfriend. What should I do? And by the way, both my boyfriend and I are Jewish. So that’s not
the issue.
A: Is your boyfriend a mailman or a decorator who wears makeup? If so, see above. If not, talk to your boyfriend and find
out what he’s doing wrong. Is he teasing or tormenting the dog? Does he own a cat or other animal whose scent your dog might
find objectionable? These and similar complaints can be dealt with specifically. Otherwise, dump him.
Q: My Rhodesian ridgeback just sits, completely motionless, and stares at his bowl of dog biscuits. He does this for ten or
fifteen minutes at a time. Why? Is this healthy? Is he insane or what?
A: One theory concerning this kind of behavior holds that earlier generations of dogs were able, through the sheer force of
their mental emanations, to teleport small objects (sticks, bones, “cookies”) to themselves, but that this ability was bred
out over generations. What remains, therefore, is the outer behavior without the inner ability. However, if your dog is Jewish,
this hypothesis does not apply. Rather, your dog is simply waiting patiently for you to give him cookies, knowing that you
will do so because you just can’t help yourself.
Q: We live in a beautiful region of Southern California near some undeveloped areas where wildlife can still be found. As
a result, possums come and sit on our fence at night, and my dog barks at them nonstop. I drag her inside, but she stands
at the door to the backyard and barks anyway. What to do?
Rhodesian ridgeback attempting to transport “cookies” to himself via telekinesis. If he sits long enough, owner will arrive
and give him cookie, confirming to dog that he actually does possess psychic powers.
A: Purchase, legally and with appropriate registration, a rifle or handgun. Take lessons at a responsible shooting range.
Then simply keep killing the possums until they stop coming. If neighbors complain about the noise or the potential danger,
explain patiently that you’re killing possums because your dog barks at them.
Q: I spent $3,000 on a purebred Afghan and, after three years of my raising her Jewish, all she does is act like a mutt. She
lounges around and hangs out with other mutts at the dog park and shows no breeding or class whatsoever. I need this? What’s
the deal?
A: There is no mystery here. Your dog’s friends are all mutts, and she’s acting like one of them because your dog just wants
to be assimilated and to “fit in.” You’ve raised her as a German Jew as opposed to a Russian Jew. Don’t worry about it.
Q: I somehow feel that every aspect of my relationship with my dog is a power struggle. Is this normal?
A: Yes. All relationships are power struggles—or, at least, all relationships between Jewish dogs and their owners, who of
course love each other. You would think that any dog with half a brain would be grateful to have such a loving, caring owner.
But you know how some dogs are: They think they know everything. Whatever the owner says is automatically wrong. Their friends,
who are all dogs and have no experience out in the real world, are always ready to encourage your dog to do whatever the pack
is doing, no matter how dangerous or rude or self-destructive or embarrassing. If your dog’s friends all said, “Let’s jump
off a bridge,” would your dog jump off a bridge? Yes, he would, thank you. So that’s your struggle: to deal with such an ungrateful
dog while still loving him in spite of everything. Meanwhile, if you can’t live like this, get a cat. At least you know where
you stand with cats, who don’t even pretend to care about anyone except themselves.
Q: After all I’ve done for my dog, now he insists on digging up the tulip bulbs. Have you ever heard of such horrible behavior?
A: You wouldn’t believe the things we’ve heard. Still, one benefit of having a dog who digs up the tulip bulbs is, the more
you replant the
the issue.
A: Is your boyfriend a mailman or a decorator who wears makeup? If so, see above. If not, talk to your boyfriend and find
out what he’s doing wrong. Is he teasing or tormenting the dog? Does he own a cat or other animal whose scent your dog might
find objectionable? These and similar complaints can be dealt with specifically. Otherwise, dump him.
Q: My Rhodesian ridgeback just sits, completely motionless, and stares at his bowl of dog biscuits. He does this for ten or
fifteen minutes at a time. Why? Is this healthy? Is he insane or what?
A: One theory concerning this kind of behavior holds that earlier generations of dogs were able, through the sheer force of
their mental emanations, to teleport small objects (sticks, bones, “cookies”) to themselves, but that this ability was bred
out over generations. What remains, therefore, is the outer behavior without the inner ability. However, if your dog is Jewish,
this hypothesis does not apply. Rather, your dog is simply waiting patiently for you to give him cookies, knowing that you
will do so because you just can’t help yourself.
Q: We live in a beautiful region of Southern California near some undeveloped areas where wildlife can still be found. As
a result, possums come and sit on our fence at night, and my dog barks at them nonstop. I drag her inside, but she stands
at the door to the backyard and barks anyway. What to do?
Rhodesian ridgeback attempting to transport “cookies” to himself via telekinesis. If he sits long enough, owner will arrive
and give him cookie, confirming to dog that he actually does possess psychic powers.
A: Purchase, legally and with appropriate registration, a rifle or handgun. Take lessons at a responsible shooting range.
Then simply keep killing the possums until they stop coming. If neighbors complain about the noise or the potential danger,
explain patiently that you’re killing possums because your dog barks at them.
Q: I spent $3,000 on a purebred Afghan and, after three years of my raising her Jewish, all she does is act like a mutt. She
lounges around and hangs out with other mutts at the dog park and shows no breeding or class whatsoever. I need this? What’s
the deal?
A: There is no mystery here. Your dog’s friends are all mutts, and she’s acting like one of them because your dog just wants
to be assimilated and to “fit in.” You’ve raised her as a German Jew as opposed to a Russian Jew. Don’t worry about it.
Q: I somehow feel that every aspect of my relationship with my dog is a power struggle. Is this normal?
A: Yes. All relationships are power struggles—or, at least, all relationships between Jewish dogs and their owners, who of
course love each other. You would think that any dog with half a brain would be grateful to have such a loving, caring owner.
But you know how some dogs are: They think they know everything. Whatever the owner says is automatically wrong. Their friends,
who are all dogs and have no experience out in the real world, are always ready to encourage your dog to do whatever the pack
is doing, no matter how dangerous or rude or self-destructive or embarrassing. If your dog’s friends all said, “Let’s jump
off a bridge,” would your dog jump off a bridge? Yes, he would, thank you. So that’s your struggle: to deal with such an ungrateful
dog while still loving him in spite of everything. Meanwhile, if you can’t live like this, get a cat. At least you know where
you stand with cats, who don’t even pretend to care about anyone except themselves.
Q: After all I’ve done for my dog, now he insists on digging up the tulip bulbs. Have you ever heard of such horrible behavior?
A: You wouldn’t believe the things we’ve heard. Still, one benefit of having a dog who digs up the tulip bulbs is, the more
you replant the
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