there.
Truth is I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. I think back to the small mistakes I made today. To the bigger ones on the previous job. When I take a longer view, I can see my work has been getting sloppy for a while now. Since I came home to Glasgow. I had a couple gigs last summer that I almost ballsed up completely, but nobody saw it so I hadn’t mentioned the mistakes. If I was a footballer, people might say I was out of form. In a slump. But can people in my line of work afford to hit a bad streak?
My hand starts to shake, making the phone wobble at my ear.
Even through the pills, I was jittery.
What the fuck?
Stan can hear something in my voice, or maybe in my pauses. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Stan, do you ever see people get burned out on this?’
Stan doesn’t answer straight away. When he does, his tone’s changed a little. He’s still upbeat, but I can hear the effort that’s going into it. ‘Hey, everyone goes through a slump sometimes. Happens to the best. Have you started shaking?’
‘No,’ I lie.
‘Then you’re okay,’ he says. ‘You just need a break. It’s only if you start to get things like shakes or blackouts that you need to worry, that’s the time to get out.’
‘People can become blackout killers?’
‘You’d be surprised. Listen, you know, yeah. It’s okay if you want to take a break. Have the rest of the summer off. Christmas is when things get busy again, and you know there’ll be some work lined up for you then, so just take it easy for a while.’
‘And what if it’s more than a break?’
‘You have the shakes, don’t you?’
‘Maybe. I’m feeling like this isn’t me anymore.’
‘Well,’ there’s a pause, and I hear a loud noise and a sigh. Then when Stan speaks again it’s calmer and he’s no longer running. ‘You’ve got investments. Savings. Plus, we’ll be getting royalties on that coup in Cambodia for a while. You’re in a good spot. People like you can usually retire with no problems.’
‘And the ones who don’t?’
‘Well, it’s not a great job if you don’t want to make some enemies. Especially the Cambodia thing.’ He pauses, and comes back with the optimism high-beam back in place. ‘But that’s not going to be you. Maybe you just need a break. You’ve been hitting it really hard this year.’
Hitting it. ‘Nice, well done.’
On the table in front of me, I hear my computer beep. The screen is flashing something up, but I ignore it. I need to stay focused on this conversation. Letting my mind drift has been causing too many problems already.
I’ve got to find one more body. ‘Well, first things first, I’ve got a weird one on.’
‘That business guy? Yeah, he sounded weird. Taking the job? He hasn’t got back to me to arrange anything. I could chase him down?’
‘He knows who I am. Called me on my own cell.’ I always unconsciously switch into US terms when speaking to Stan. ‘And he tried blackmailing me.’
‘What? Like, you said no, right?’
‘I’ve taken it on, but I’m charging double. Make sure that’s what comes through. No pay, no job.’ It’s time to start getting the details of the job lined up. ‘I’m going to need another body, though. Part of his thing. He wants me to fake his death.’
‘Why would anybody hire a hit man to not kill them?’
‘Aye, right? I know. Anyway. So I need a fresh body, tonight or tomorrow morning probably. I could ask around at the morgue, but I’d prefer to have control over it all myself. You got anything I could take on?’
‘I’ll have a look.’
‘Make it a scumbag,’ I say. ‘A real arse. Someone who really has it coming.’
‘They all have it coming, Fergus.’
For the first time I’m wondering, What do I have coming?
‘Oh, Stan? Joe has another contractor. Could you ask around, see who else is working Glasgow? I don’t want any surprises.’
My computer beeps again. I put the phone down and look at the screen.
Holy
Truth is I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. I think back to the small mistakes I made today. To the bigger ones on the previous job. When I take a longer view, I can see my work has been getting sloppy for a while now. Since I came home to Glasgow. I had a couple gigs last summer that I almost ballsed up completely, but nobody saw it so I hadn’t mentioned the mistakes. If I was a footballer, people might say I was out of form. In a slump. But can people in my line of work afford to hit a bad streak?
My hand starts to shake, making the phone wobble at my ear.
Even through the pills, I was jittery.
What the fuck?
Stan can hear something in my voice, or maybe in my pauses. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Stan, do you ever see people get burned out on this?’
Stan doesn’t answer straight away. When he does, his tone’s changed a little. He’s still upbeat, but I can hear the effort that’s going into it. ‘Hey, everyone goes through a slump sometimes. Happens to the best. Have you started shaking?’
‘No,’ I lie.
‘Then you’re okay,’ he says. ‘You just need a break. It’s only if you start to get things like shakes or blackouts that you need to worry, that’s the time to get out.’
‘People can become blackout killers?’
‘You’d be surprised. Listen, you know, yeah. It’s okay if you want to take a break. Have the rest of the summer off. Christmas is when things get busy again, and you know there’ll be some work lined up for you then, so just take it easy for a while.’
‘And what if it’s more than a break?’
‘You have the shakes, don’t you?’
‘Maybe. I’m feeling like this isn’t me anymore.’
‘Well,’ there’s a pause, and I hear a loud noise and a sigh. Then when Stan speaks again it’s calmer and he’s no longer running. ‘You’ve got investments. Savings. Plus, we’ll be getting royalties on that coup in Cambodia for a while. You’re in a good spot. People like you can usually retire with no problems.’
‘And the ones who don’t?’
‘Well, it’s not a great job if you don’t want to make some enemies. Especially the Cambodia thing.’ He pauses, and comes back with the optimism high-beam back in place. ‘But that’s not going to be you. Maybe you just need a break. You’ve been hitting it really hard this year.’
Hitting it. ‘Nice, well done.’
On the table in front of me, I hear my computer beep. The screen is flashing something up, but I ignore it. I need to stay focused on this conversation. Letting my mind drift has been causing too many problems already.
I’ve got to find one more body. ‘Well, first things first, I’ve got a weird one on.’
‘That business guy? Yeah, he sounded weird. Taking the job? He hasn’t got back to me to arrange anything. I could chase him down?’
‘He knows who I am. Called me on my own cell.’ I always unconsciously switch into US terms when speaking to Stan. ‘And he tried blackmailing me.’
‘What? Like, you said no, right?’
‘I’ve taken it on, but I’m charging double. Make sure that’s what comes through. No pay, no job.’ It’s time to start getting the details of the job lined up. ‘I’m going to need another body, though. Part of his thing. He wants me to fake his death.’
‘Why would anybody hire a hit man to not kill them?’
‘Aye, right? I know. Anyway. So I need a fresh body, tonight or tomorrow morning probably. I could ask around at the morgue, but I’d prefer to have control over it all myself. You got anything I could take on?’
‘I’ll have a look.’
‘Make it a scumbag,’ I say. ‘A real arse. Someone who really has it coming.’
‘They all have it coming, Fergus.’
For the first time I’m wondering, What do I have coming?
‘Oh, Stan? Joe has another contractor. Could you ask around, see who else is working Glasgow? I don’t want any surprises.’
My computer beeps again. I put the phone down and look at the screen.
Holy
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