How Not To Commit Murder - comedy crime - humorous mystery by Robin Storey Page A

scenario – that if he told the police and Frank found out, he would meet the same fate as Eddie Teddy.
    In any case, all he had to take to the police was a verbal threat. He had no idea how Frank planned to carry it out, if he had a plan at all, and no evidence of his intention. Chances were the police would just laugh at him.
    The more he thought about it, the more helpless he felt. There was no solution. What illusion would Mandrake conjure up to scare Frank? A sabre-toothed tiger or white pointer shark about to attack, baring its menacing display of teeth? Or even better, Lucy herself as a vampire: red eyes flashing, blood dripping from her fangs, a ‘return to prison’ warrant sticking out of her pale cleavage. God, even as a vampire she was irresistible.
    ***
    Someone was tugging at his arm. They were trying to save him from the vampire.
    ‘But I want her to bite me!’ Reuben protested. ‘I want to be a vampire too, so we can live happily ever after!’
    ‘Rubie, wake up!’
    He opened his eyes. Carlene’s face swam into focus. She was leaning over him.
    ‘You’re drooling.’
    Reuben sat up and wiped his mouth. ‘Must have been dreaming about you, baby.’
    ‘You’re a smooth-talker, Reuben Littlejohn.’
    She got up, went into the kitchen and turned on the kettle. She was still in her work clothes. It was five-thirty. He’d slept for over three hours.
    ‘That seems to be your default position lately,’ Carlene said.
    ‘I’ve only fallen asleep on the couch twice, I’d hardly call that default. And anyway I’ve been busy preparing myself for stardom.’
    ‘Oh yes, the promotions agency. How did you go?’
    As he predicted, she wasn’t impressed.
    ‘Jesus, Rubie, you’ve just gone and thrown the best part of three hundred dollars down the drain!’
    ‘You don’t know that at all.’
    ‘Yes, I do. A friend of mine registered with one of those agencies, it cost her a small fortune, and they didn’t call her once.’
    ‘Maybe she didn’t stick at it for long enough, or maybe she needed to be more proactive. I’ll be ringing them constantly so they won’t forget me.’
    ‘If you’re lucky, you might get in a crowd scene in an ad for five seconds. That’s hardly a regular, secure income.’
    ‘I’m not looking at it as regular income. I’m just going to see what comes out of it. Meanwhile, I’m still looking for other work.’
    ‘All I can say is, it’s a hell of a lot of money to pay for the possibility that you might get some work.’
    She stalked off to the bedroom.
    As they were getting ready for bed, Carlene said, ‘I wish you’d let Mum and Dad help you. They know a woman who’s a life coach and she does vocational training. She’s pretty expensive, but it would be worth it.’
    ‘Honey, there’s nothing a life coach could tell me that I don’t already know.’
    She was in the ensuite removing her make-up, her eyes two reproachful islands in a sea of cleansing foam.
    ‘How do you know if you’ve never been to one?’
    ‘I know enough about them to know what they talk about.’
    ‘It’s not the same as actually going to one. And I know that if you were willing to go, I could talk Mum and Dad into footing the bill.’
    ‘That’s very generous of them. But I really don’t need one. I’m sure if I keep slogging away things will fall into place.’
    She splashed water on her face and towelled it dry. ‘But that’s the point – things don’t just fall into place. You have to get out there and make them happen.’
    ‘That’s what I’m doing.’ He came up behind her and put his arms around her waist. The thin silk of her nightdress was soft against his skin, hinting of the more alluring softness underneath. ‘And if you tell me to put it out to the universe, I’ll have to deal with you as I see fit.’
    His cock grew hard as he hugged her body against his. She struggled out of his grip. ‘Don’t, I’m not in the mood.’
    He dropped his arms. ‘So you’re