but I’ve done the math and it will only last three people about forty years. Now you’re here and I’ve got to go pick up two more—and girls wipe every time they pee and… Unless someone starts up a toilet-paper factory, when the smoke clears we’re going to run out of paper eventually. Then I’m going to have to do without something I didn’t ever want to do without.”
Lucy nodded. I put Harriet out and Spot in and started milking her. “So what’s in the other ones?” she asked.
“Lots of different stuff. Dry goods, animal feed, beans, rice, flour, corn meal, seeds—lots and lots of seeds. All sealed in plastic wrap. Literally tons of nails and screws, nuts and bolts. I’ve got six four-wheelers in boxes. Twenty chain saws. Every kind of hand tool you can think of by the gross. Anything that won’t get hurt if it freezes. Books and chain and rope, prescription drugs, other medical supplies…”
“How did you…”
“You have enough money you can get anything,” I answered. “Clothes, lots of clothes of every kind, blankets, cast iron pots and pans. If a civilization can be cultivated from the ashes, it’s going to be a very different economy with very different values and wealth. And I’m going to be the richest person on the planet.”
She looked at me through squinted eyes suspiciously. “What is your IQ?”
“Don’t know,” I answered. It was mostly a lie I hadn’t had an IQ test since I was thirteen. My IQ had been one forty-seven then. It had immediately caused me nothing but trouble—teachers expecting me to do better in school than I was. Parents who thought I was acting all uppity because I was smarter than they were. Hell, there are loud farts that have more intelligent things to say than they ever did. Besides, it’s a stupid-assed test, and I knew a guy with a higher IQ than I have who believed climate change was a hoax and that Jesus was the son of God… Such stupid shit as that.
“I bet you’re off the charts,” she said, as if I was committing a capital offense by being smart, and I knew why. I have a Southern accent and walk around in animal shit and build things. I’m not supposed to be able to have intelligent thought. Let me tell you something; it takes some brains to build stuff, not just any idiot can do it, not just any idiot can even learn how to do it.
Hell, Jimmy still can’t hammer a nail straight or level a board.
Poor Jimmy.
“Well, sorry to disappoint you,” I said with a smile. “If it helps, I am crazier than a shit-house rat.”
Lucy laughed then. It was the first time I’d ever heard her laugh, and it wasn’t a bad sound at all. “Why do you keep saying that?”
“Because it’s true.” I shrugged. Having finished milking Spot I stood up, hung my milk bucket on it’s hook on the ceiling, and waited for Spot to finish her feed. When she finished I took her out of the head gate, opened the door, and said, “Out damned Spot!”
When Lucy laughed at my joke I was in love.
It doesn’t take much for me, and let’s face it, she was the only woman besides me and she has an amazing rack.
“You don’t strike me as the sort of person who reads Shakespeare,” she said. No doubt again because I had a Southern accent walked around in animal shit and built things. However her statement did explain why my boys had never laughed at my really great joke.
“Yep, I kin read an’ even wipe my own ass on occasion,” I said, making an idiot face and trying to sound like the “special” kid who used to pump gas down at the general store even though it was self-serve and no one paid him to do it.
“That’s not what I meant,” she said quickly.
“Yes it is,” I said, grabbing the milk bucket and starting back for the house. “It’s exactly what you meant. You’re surprised that I’m smart and surprised that I know Shakespeare because I look and sound like a hick. The whole damn world all caught up in how things sound and how they look,
Lucy nodded. I put Harriet out and Spot in and started milking her. “So what’s in the other ones?” she asked.
“Lots of different stuff. Dry goods, animal feed, beans, rice, flour, corn meal, seeds—lots and lots of seeds. All sealed in plastic wrap. Literally tons of nails and screws, nuts and bolts. I’ve got six four-wheelers in boxes. Twenty chain saws. Every kind of hand tool you can think of by the gross. Anything that won’t get hurt if it freezes. Books and chain and rope, prescription drugs, other medical supplies…”
“How did you…”
“You have enough money you can get anything,” I answered. “Clothes, lots of clothes of every kind, blankets, cast iron pots and pans. If a civilization can be cultivated from the ashes, it’s going to be a very different economy with very different values and wealth. And I’m going to be the richest person on the planet.”
She looked at me through squinted eyes suspiciously. “What is your IQ?”
“Don’t know,” I answered. It was mostly a lie I hadn’t had an IQ test since I was thirteen. My IQ had been one forty-seven then. It had immediately caused me nothing but trouble—teachers expecting me to do better in school than I was. Parents who thought I was acting all uppity because I was smarter than they were. Hell, there are loud farts that have more intelligent things to say than they ever did. Besides, it’s a stupid-assed test, and I knew a guy with a higher IQ than I have who believed climate change was a hoax and that Jesus was the son of God… Such stupid shit as that.
“I bet you’re off the charts,” she said, as if I was committing a capital offense by being smart, and I knew why. I have a Southern accent and walk around in animal shit and build things. I’m not supposed to be able to have intelligent thought. Let me tell you something; it takes some brains to build stuff, not just any idiot can do it, not just any idiot can even learn how to do it.
Hell, Jimmy still can’t hammer a nail straight or level a board.
Poor Jimmy.
“Well, sorry to disappoint you,” I said with a smile. “If it helps, I am crazier than a shit-house rat.”
Lucy laughed then. It was the first time I’d ever heard her laugh, and it wasn’t a bad sound at all. “Why do you keep saying that?”
“Because it’s true.” I shrugged. Having finished milking Spot I stood up, hung my milk bucket on it’s hook on the ceiling, and waited for Spot to finish her feed. When she finished I took her out of the head gate, opened the door, and said, “Out damned Spot!”
When Lucy laughed at my joke I was in love.
It doesn’t take much for me, and let’s face it, she was the only woman besides me and she has an amazing rack.
“You don’t strike me as the sort of person who reads Shakespeare,” she said. No doubt again because I had a Southern accent walked around in animal shit and built things. However her statement did explain why my boys had never laughed at my really great joke.
“Yep, I kin read an’ even wipe my own ass on occasion,” I said, making an idiot face and trying to sound like the “special” kid who used to pump gas down at the general store even though it was self-serve and no one paid him to do it.
“That’s not what I meant,” she said quickly.
“Yes it is,” I said, grabbing the milk bucket and starting back for the house. “It’s exactly what you meant. You’re surprised that I’m smart and surprised that I know Shakespeare because I look and sound like a hick. The whole damn world all caught up in how things sound and how they look,
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