How I Got to Be Whoever It Is I Am by Charles Grodin Page A

photographic test,” and alluded to my need
     to lose weight to look younger. When I showed up on the set I had lost so much weight that Mike didn’t recognize me. However,
     it wasn’t only a “photographic test.”
    I absolutely didn’t know the lines. I asked if I could improvise. The answer was no, and when Mike asked me if I would jump
     up and down on the bed and I asked why, it confirmed his feeling, a false one, that I would be difficult to deal with.
I was not offered the role.
I thought the whole thing was handled inappropriately. I’m sure that none of the people behind
The Graduate
realized that. I know Mike and Buck, and they’re really nice guys. Later, when I did work with Mike on
Catch-22
, he discovered what everyone learned when they worked with me: I wasn’t difficult to deal with.
    One director who probably wouldn’t agree with that last statement is Joel Schumacher, who directed
The Incredible Shrinking Woman
, which I believe was his first picture. It was a movie filled with special effects, which by definition meant there would
     be more than your average mind-numbing hours of waiting around—like, eight. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t the only one who
     felt some thought could be given to how many hours the actors were waiting. I not only wasn’t the only one, but one actress
     actually felt it was being done deliberately to drive her crazy!
    I went to Joel to ask if he could give some consideration to the actors’ call times. He looked at me as though I was nuts.
     He said, “You expect me to think about
that
!?” It was clear the special effects were more than enough of a challenge for him. I said, “I
do
expect you to think about that.” He told me that I was being paid more than Lily Tomlin, who played the Shrinking Woman.
     I said, “Really? Who’s her agent?” Then I said, “Under your logic the person being paid the most should wait the longest.”
     He said, “You’re like a Jewish prince.” Joel is Jewish, so I didn’t take it as an anti-Semitic remark, but I didn’t like it.
     Joel saw the look in my eye that surfaces from time to time and quickly added about himself, “And I’m white trash.”
    Back to
The Graduate
. Turn it down? I may be a lot of things, but nuts really isn’t one of them. At the time, in spite of working in television,
     I owed $800 to the Actors Federal Credit Union. Believe me, I didn’t turn down
The Graduate
. To this day, I don’t think they realize they made it impossible for me to succeed. I say that not to point a finger but
     for directors in the future who may not realize what actors need to be at their best.
    For example, when I’m involved in casting plays I write, instead of having the director, producer, casting director, and myself
     sit behind a long table, I give the person auditioning a table to sit behind as well, instead of just a straight-back chair.
     Sometimes I give them my table.
    There’s a reason plays are in rehearsal for four weeks and then in previews before critics come. Movie scripts are often given
     to actors months ahead of time. As I’ve said, the only place actors are asked to memorize pages and pages of dialogue in a
     short period is on soap operas. I’ve done two soap operas and found it impossible to be anywhere near the level I can reach
     with the time given in movies and onstage. There are wonderful soap opera actors, but you don’t ever hear their names mentioned
     among our great actors. When they had opportunities with movies or theater they could really fulfill their potential.
    I once asked a veteran soap opera actress if she enjoyed the work. She said, “The only thing I enjoy is the last line.”
    I’ve always tried to focus on what I
have
and not on what I don’t have, because in the overall scheme of things, if I consider what I have been given it would be ridiculous
     for me to ever feel sorry for myself, and I never have.
    I’ve known Mike Nichols for forty years, but since
The