hygiene and a predilection for wielding spears. They used to be an independent people in the old days, but the Tuatha Dé Danann use them as thugs now. «
» How much of a threat are they? «
» To my life? I am not particularly worried. I’m more worried about collateral damage than anything else. «
» That will bring the police into it. «
» Which I’m sure is the point of sending them. Fir Bolgs are not renowned for their discretion. «
Our fish and chips arrived and I sighed happily. It is life’s small, simple pleasures that make it worth living longer than a century or two. I dropped a piece of cod down to Oberon and covered up his noisy chomping sounds with some noises of my own.
» So how can I keep Oberon from going to Animal Control? « I asked around a mouthful of chips and beer.
Hal shrugged. » The simplest way is to do what you’re doing and lie, « he replied. » Keep him hidden, and tell anyone who asks that he escaped and ran away. In a month or even less, they’ll be so swamped with other cases that they won’t be able to keep tabs on whether he’s with you or not. Then you tell all your neighbors you’ve given up, you’re going to get a new dog, and voilà, Oberon reappears. Oh, and I wouldn’t go hunting in the Papago Hills for a year or so. «
Oberon whined at that, and I hushed him by dropping another piece of cod on the floor.
» This is all supposing the police actually track him to your place, « Hal said. » They haven’t shown up yet, have they? «
I shook my head. » Not yet. But since I think someone is leading them around, I have no doubt they will show up soon. Now tell me what to do if I don’t want to lie. «
Hal stopped chewing and regarded me steadily for a few seconds. » You don’t want to lie? « he said, completely off his guard.
» Of course I do! I just want to know what else I can do that I haven’t thought of already. That’s why I pay you, Hal. I mean, shit, come on. «
Hal smiled. » You really sound like one of these modern kids. I have no idea how you do it. «
» Blending in is the best survival skill I have. It’s just listening carefully and parroting, really. So tell me what to do if I’m forced to play it honest. «
» Honest as in the police can see through your camouflage spell and know that Oberon is right in front of them? «
» Sure. Pretend I’m an ordinary guy with no magic at my disposal. Then how do I protect Oberon? «
The werewolf took a long drink of Smithwick’s and belched discreetly as he thought about it. Then he placed his hands flat on the table and said, » Well, the only way they would be able to build a case without witnesses is to use DNA matching. Oberon has no rights, but as his owner you can demand they get a warrant before they do the whole unreasonable-search-and-seizure thing. If they come with a warrant, though, you pretty much have to let them do what they want. And judging from what you’ve told me, if they get a DNA sample from him, the case will be pretty solid. «
» That’s right, « I said, nodding.
» Well, another way we can delay things is to lodge some protest on religious grounds. «
» How’s that? «
» You protest against the DNA testing of your dog on the grounds that’s it’s against your religion. «
I looked at him as if he were trying to sell me the ShamWow and the Slap Chop for only $19.99 plus shipping and handling. » My religion has no objection to DNA testing. We didn’t know what the hell DNA was in the Iron Age. «
Hal shrugged. » They don’t know that. « Neither of us would ever get an award for ethics. » The Iron Age, eh? « Hal had been trying to guess my age for a good while, and I had carelessly given him another clue.
I ignored his query and frowned skeptically. » Will that argument work? «
» No, the judge will throw it out on the grounds that your dog cannot possibly share your religious views or something like that, but it will delay things for a good
» How much of a threat are they? «
» To my life? I am not particularly worried. I’m more worried about collateral damage than anything else. «
» That will bring the police into it. «
» Which I’m sure is the point of sending them. Fir Bolgs are not renowned for their discretion. «
Our fish and chips arrived and I sighed happily. It is life’s small, simple pleasures that make it worth living longer than a century or two. I dropped a piece of cod down to Oberon and covered up his noisy chomping sounds with some noises of my own.
» So how can I keep Oberon from going to Animal Control? « I asked around a mouthful of chips and beer.
Hal shrugged. » The simplest way is to do what you’re doing and lie, « he replied. » Keep him hidden, and tell anyone who asks that he escaped and ran away. In a month or even less, they’ll be so swamped with other cases that they won’t be able to keep tabs on whether he’s with you or not. Then you tell all your neighbors you’ve given up, you’re going to get a new dog, and voilà, Oberon reappears. Oh, and I wouldn’t go hunting in the Papago Hills for a year or so. «
Oberon whined at that, and I hushed him by dropping another piece of cod on the floor.
» This is all supposing the police actually track him to your place, « Hal said. » They haven’t shown up yet, have they? «
I shook my head. » Not yet. But since I think someone is leading them around, I have no doubt they will show up soon. Now tell me what to do if I don’t want to lie. «
Hal stopped chewing and regarded me steadily for a few seconds. » You don’t want to lie? « he said, completely off his guard.
» Of course I do! I just want to know what else I can do that I haven’t thought of already. That’s why I pay you, Hal. I mean, shit, come on. «
Hal smiled. » You really sound like one of these modern kids. I have no idea how you do it. «
» Blending in is the best survival skill I have. It’s just listening carefully and parroting, really. So tell me what to do if I’m forced to play it honest. «
» Honest as in the police can see through your camouflage spell and know that Oberon is right in front of them? «
» Sure. Pretend I’m an ordinary guy with no magic at my disposal. Then how do I protect Oberon? «
The werewolf took a long drink of Smithwick’s and belched discreetly as he thought about it. Then he placed his hands flat on the table and said, » Well, the only way they would be able to build a case without witnesses is to use DNA matching. Oberon has no rights, but as his owner you can demand they get a warrant before they do the whole unreasonable-search-and-seizure thing. If they come with a warrant, though, you pretty much have to let them do what they want. And judging from what you’ve told me, if they get a DNA sample from him, the case will be pretty solid. «
» That’s right, « I said, nodding.
» Well, another way we can delay things is to lodge some protest on religious grounds. «
» How’s that? «
» You protest against the DNA testing of your dog on the grounds that’s it’s against your religion. «
I looked at him as if he were trying to sell me the ShamWow and the Slap Chop for only $19.99 plus shipping and handling. » My religion has no objection to DNA testing. We didn’t know what the hell DNA was in the Iron Age. «
Hal shrugged. » They don’t know that. « Neither of us would ever get an award for ethics. » The Iron Age, eh? « Hal had been trying to guess my age for a good while, and I had carelessly given him another clue.
I ignored his query and frowned skeptically. » Will that argument work? «
» No, the judge will throw it out on the grounds that your dog cannot possibly share your religious views or something like that, but it will delay things for a good
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