Horrid Henry Robs the Bank by Francesca Simon Page A

he’d make…well, multiplication was never his best subject, but he could make tons of money!!!!!!
    On the other hand, writing seven newspapers a day, every day, seemed an awful lot of work. An awful, awful lot of work. Perhaps The Daily Digger was the way to go. He’d charge a lot more per copy, and do a lot less work. Yes!
    Hmmn. Perhaps The Weekly Warble would be better. No, The Monthly Moaner .
    Maybe just The Purple Hand Basher .
    The Basher ! What a great name for a great paper!
    Now, what should his newspaper have? News of course. All about Henry’s triumphs. And gossip and quizzes and sports.
    First, I need a great headline, thought Horrid Henry.
    What about: PETER IS A WORM. Tempting, thought Henry, but old news: everyone already knows that Peter is a worm. What could he tell his readers that they didn’t know?
    After all, news didn’t have to be true, did it? Just new . And boy did he have some brand-new news!

    PETER SENT TO PRISON
    The world’s toadiest brother has been found guilty of being a worm and taken straight to prison. He was sentenced to live on bread and water for three years. The Basher says: “It should have been ten years.”
    SECRET CLUB COLLAPSES!!!
    The Secret Club has collapsed. “Margaret is such a moody old bossy-pants no one wants to be in her club anymore,” said Susan.
    â€œGoodbye, grump-face,” said Gurinder.

    Right, that was the news section taken care of. Now, for some good gossip.
    But what gossip? What scandal? Sadly, Horrid Henry didn’t know any horrid rumors. But a gossip columnist needed to write something…
    MRS. ODDBOD BIKINI SHOCK
    Mrs. Oddbod was seen strolling down Main Street wearing a new yellow polka dot bikini. Is this any way for a principal to behave?

    TEACHER IN TOILET TERROR
    Terrible screams rang out from the boys’ bathroom yesterday. “Help! Help! There’s a monster in the toilet!” screamed the crazed teacher Miss Boudicca Battle-Axe. “It’s got hairy scary claws and three heads!!”

    GUESS WHO?
    Which soggy swimming teacher was seen dancing the cha-cha-cha with which old battle-axe?
    MISS LOVELY IN NOSE PICK HORROR
    Oh dear, Miss Lydia Lovely picks her nose.
    â€œI saw her do it in class,” says Prisoner Peter.
    â€œBut she said it was her nose and she would pick it if she wanted to.”

    THE NURSE HAS LICE!
    Nitty Nora, Bug Explorer was sent home from school with lice last week. Whoopee! No more bug-busting!
    That’s enough great gossip for one issue, thought Horrid Henry. Now, what else, what else? A bit about sports and he was done. In tomorrow’s edition, he’d add a comic strip: The adventures of Peter the Diaper. And a quiz:
    Who has the smelliest pants in school?
    A. Peter
    B. Margaret
    C. Susan
    D. All of the above!
    Yippee! thought Horrid Henry. I’m going to be rich, rich, rich, rich, rich.
    The next morning Henry made sure he got to school bright and early. Hip-hop Robot, here I come, thought Horrid Henry, lugging a huge pile of Bashers onto the playground. Then he stopped. A terrible sight met his eyes.
    Moody Margaret and Sour Susan were standing in the school playground waving big sheets of paper.
    â€œStep right up, read all about it, Margaret made captain of the school soccer team,” bellowed Moody Margaret. “Get your Daily Dagger right here. Only 25 cents!”
    What a copycat, thought Horrid Henry. He was outraged.
    â€œWho’d want to read that ?” sneered Horrid Henry.
    â€œEveryone,” said Susan.
    Horrid Henry snatched a copy.
    â€œThat’ll be 25 cents, Henry,” said Margaret.
    Henry ignored her. The headline read:
    MARGARET TRIUMPHS
    Margaret, the best soccer player in school history, beat out her puny opposition to become captain of the school soccer team! Well done Margaret! Everyone cheered for hours when Mrs. Oddbod announced the glorious news.
    Margaret gave an exclusive interview to the