white poster boards. In the center of the scene someone had placed a toilet on the beach, surrounded by a group of five Asian girls dressed in yellow go-go dancer outfits. Dozens of guys moved around them with cables, sound booms and camera tracks, getting the lighting just right to make the toilet sparkle with Happy Lucky Time shine in the California sun.
Normally location shoots were run pretty loosely. People milled around all over the place. However, Lowel Simonson wasn’t your usual commercial actor. Being America’s Asshole mean there were plenty of people with a grudge against the Aussie. And plenty of security in place to prevent said people from getting close to him. I counted at least five guys with Tasers holding down the perimeter of the set.
“ Great,” Gary said, spying the security. “How the hell are we supposed to interrogate him now?”
“ Interview. Not interrogate.” I cased out the guards. The one farthest from the parking lot was the biggest. He was staring at a seagull with a potato chip wrapper in its mouth. He looked totally bored.
“ Fine. How do we get an interview with him?” Gary asked.
“ We ask nicely,” I said. I grabbed a tube of lipstick from my bag and applied a fresh layer. Then I opened the top button on my blouse so that my lacy hot-pink bra was just visible beneath,
“ Hubba, hubba,” Gary said, eyeing my chest. “You plan to ask very nicely, huh?” He winked at me.
“ Quit drooling.” I got out of the car and walked toward Bored Security Guy, Gary a step behind me. When we were close enough that the guard’s attention shifted from the seagull to us, I gave him a little one finger wave. “Hey, there.”
“ This is a closed set,” he said, his voice a deep monotone like he’d already said this a hundred times today.
“ Right. Totally. I know.” I nodded. “But we’re here to see Lowel Simonson. At his request,” I lied.
The guard narrowed his eyes. “And you are?”
“ Allie Quick.”
The guard pulled a walkie talkie from his belt, inquiring of the person on the other end whether there was an Allie Quick on the approved set list. Obviously, there was not. Which he informed me as soon as his talkie crackled to life. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t show an Allie Quick on our list.”
I wrinkled up my forehead, bit my lip, my teeth making a dent in my uber-red lips. “Really? You mean he forgot to call ahead?”
“ He?”
“ My, um, booking agent.”
“ You playing a role in the commercial?”
I giggled. “Well, I’m playing a role for Lowel…” I leaned in close, making sure Bored Security Guard got a good look at my hot-pink lace. “… a private one. If you know what I mean.”
He cleared his throat uncomfortably. Clearly he knew what I meant. “So, Mr. Simonson is expecting you?” he asked in a voice I’d swear was an octave higher.
I nodded. “Oh, yes, he is. And he’ll be very disappointed if I don’t show. See, he likes to relax a little before a performance.” I winked at him. “I’m real good at helping guys relax.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down.
“ So, if you wouldn’t mind just letting us slip on through to his trailer…” I trailed off, making my two fingers do a little walking motion in the air.
The guard thought about this for a moment, then shifted his gaze to Gary.
“ Who’s the little guy?”
I glanced down at my assistant. Good question. I pursed my lips. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound… “He’s part of the act.”
The guard’s gaze shifted from me to Gary, back to me, then his two eyebrows headed so far north they almost cleared his hairline. Apparently this was way more info than he wanted about Lowel. He stepped aside, allowing us entry. “Just keep it in private, huh?” he said, giving Gary another over-the-shoulder as we made our way on set.
“ Thanks!” I said, waving. “We will.”
Gary giggled next to me.
“ What?’ I asked.
“ Dude, that was
Normally location shoots were run pretty loosely. People milled around all over the place. However, Lowel Simonson wasn’t your usual commercial actor. Being America’s Asshole mean there were plenty of people with a grudge against the Aussie. And plenty of security in place to prevent said people from getting close to him. I counted at least five guys with Tasers holding down the perimeter of the set.
“ Great,” Gary said, spying the security. “How the hell are we supposed to interrogate him now?”
“ Interview. Not interrogate.” I cased out the guards. The one farthest from the parking lot was the biggest. He was staring at a seagull with a potato chip wrapper in its mouth. He looked totally bored.
“ Fine. How do we get an interview with him?” Gary asked.
“ We ask nicely,” I said. I grabbed a tube of lipstick from my bag and applied a fresh layer. Then I opened the top button on my blouse so that my lacy hot-pink bra was just visible beneath,
“ Hubba, hubba,” Gary said, eyeing my chest. “You plan to ask very nicely, huh?” He winked at me.
“ Quit drooling.” I got out of the car and walked toward Bored Security Guy, Gary a step behind me. When we were close enough that the guard’s attention shifted from the seagull to us, I gave him a little one finger wave. “Hey, there.”
“ This is a closed set,” he said, his voice a deep monotone like he’d already said this a hundred times today.
“ Right. Totally. I know.” I nodded. “But we’re here to see Lowel Simonson. At his request,” I lied.
The guard narrowed his eyes. “And you are?”
“ Allie Quick.”
The guard pulled a walkie talkie from his belt, inquiring of the person on the other end whether there was an Allie Quick on the approved set list. Obviously, there was not. Which he informed me as soon as his talkie crackled to life. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t show an Allie Quick on our list.”
I wrinkled up my forehead, bit my lip, my teeth making a dent in my uber-red lips. “Really? You mean he forgot to call ahead?”
“ He?”
“ My, um, booking agent.”
“ You playing a role in the commercial?”
I giggled. “Well, I’m playing a role for Lowel…” I leaned in close, making sure Bored Security Guard got a good look at my hot-pink lace. “… a private one. If you know what I mean.”
He cleared his throat uncomfortably. Clearly he knew what I meant. “So, Mr. Simonson is expecting you?” he asked in a voice I’d swear was an octave higher.
I nodded. “Oh, yes, he is. And he’ll be very disappointed if I don’t show. See, he likes to relax a little before a performance.” I winked at him. “I’m real good at helping guys relax.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down.
“ So, if you wouldn’t mind just letting us slip on through to his trailer…” I trailed off, making my two fingers do a little walking motion in the air.
The guard thought about this for a moment, then shifted his gaze to Gary.
“ Who’s the little guy?”
I glanced down at my assistant. Good question. I pursed my lips. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound… “He’s part of the act.”
The guard’s gaze shifted from me to Gary, back to me, then his two eyebrows headed so far north they almost cleared his hairline. Apparently this was way more info than he wanted about Lowel. He stepped aside, allowing us entry. “Just keep it in private, huh?” he said, giving Gary another over-the-shoulder as we made our way on set.
“ Thanks!” I said, waving. “We will.”
Gary giggled next to me.
“ What?’ I asked.
“ Dude, that was
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