Hold Me Like a Breath by Tiffany Schmidt Page B

my loss. I understood the logic and intelligence of Garrett and Dr. Castillo’s words, but they still stung. Maybe I’d wanted to answer questions, maybe I
could
be helpful. It hurt that only strangers thought this plausible.
    Garrett left to show them out, and there was a tacit agreement that I’d stay with Dr. Castillo until he returned.
    This would’ve been the ideal opportunity to ask about my counts. To question the empty whiteboard … but next to it on the wall was a calendar.
    Tomorrow I’d be brotherless for a whole week. Seven days. And that would grow to a month, multiply to two. I couldn’t stop time from pushing me farther and farther from Carter.
    It was hard to look from the calendar to the blank space where the ghost of “PL:” could still be read, and to care about the numbers that should be after it.
    Hugh, Garrett’s oldest living brother, banged through the exam room door, swearing and demanding, “What was the idiot thinking? Bringing cops
in the clinic
? And you agreed with it? Letting her be questioned
here
?” He ended with another snarl of swears aimed at his brother, Nolan, and the world at large.
    â€œExcuse me, Hugh?” I stood up. He was nearly a foot tallerthan I was, but he hadn’t had Mother’s lessons on posture and diction. “I must have misheard you. Your brother was brilliant, Dr. Castillo too. I doubt the officers will be bothering us again.”
    The doctor chimed in agreement and reassurances—but Hugh shrugged us off. “None of this would even be happening if Garrett had done his job and stayed with Carter. It’s his fault your brother’s dead.”
    â€œGet. Out.” I wasn’t sure if the words were Garrett’s or mine. I tasted them on my gritted teeth, but he was standing in the door to the exam room, glaring flames and hands balled in fists.
    â€œOh, did I hurt little Garrett’s feelings? Is that what they teach you at your fancy schools? How to be all sensitive and in touch with your inner girl?”
    â€œExcuse me?” I said. “Inner
girl
?”
    â€œI apologize for my brother,” growled Garrett. “He’s probably too ignorant to understand why that’s offensive.”
    â€œWhatever,” snorted Hugh. He did a mock bow in my direction on his way out the door. “I don’t have time to play babysitter anyway. Some of us have real responsibilities.”
    â€œA few words to my father and that can be remedied.” I enjoyed the heartbeat’s worth of panic my threat brought to Hugh’s face before he covered it with a scoff and disappeared down the hall.
    Garrett had always been different from his brothers. He was smarter, better—he’d been set apart to rise above the role of enforcer, to be my brother’s second-in-command. It neveroccurred to me that they might resent him—blame him for Carter’s death.
    My own deliberate distance, avoidance of eye contact and conversation weren’t any kinder. In fact, they might have been crueler. My throat tightened with guilt.
    â€œWhat do you want to do now? More TV or go sit in the solarium?” he asked.
    â€œWhat do you want to do?”
    â€œWhat I
want
is for you to find something to keep yourself busy so I can call your father and update him on what just happened.” The frustration in his words wasn’t directed at me, so I shrugged it off. Dr. Castillo was less understanding, clearing his throat and raising his eyebrows. Garrett’s cheeks flushed. “Please.”
    I wondered if he ever hated me for seeming helpless, hated Carter for dying, hated my father for estranging him from his family, hated his brothers for resenting that, hated the Family for dictating all our life choices.
    â€œWhat are my counts?”
    Dr. Castillo hadn’t expected me to pivot toward him, hadn’t expected that question. He kept his poker face in place but