Not that I’d asked him to, of course, but even so, I was touched. Not many people would do something like that for me, the
actual
me, not Devi Morris, Virus Container. But Rupert had, and now I was more confused than ever.
I’d sworn I’d never be
that girl
, the one who claimed she was done with a guy only to come crawling back a few days later. But apparently all it took was a little groveling, some overtime, and a pot of homemade soup and I was ready to forgive and forget. Even now, I was more disappointed than I wanted to admit that Anthony had interrupted us in the kitchen. I was especially grumpy that I hadn’t kissed Rupert good night before he’d locked himself in, which was just embarrassing. We’d agreed to a clean slate, not a step back in time. What the hell was wrong with me?
I leaned back in the captain’s chair, digging the heels of my palms into my eyes with a frustrated groan. It was just lust, I reasoned. Brushes with death always left me vulnerable and needy, and death and I had been best friends lately. Add in my well-documented weakness for Rupert and our physical proximity and it was no wonder I was having these idiotic impulses. But lust didn’t explain the way his smile made my stomach flip-flop, or the way my whole body lit up every time he said he loved me, or how happy I’d felt when I’d learned he worried about me, or how much I worried about him, or—
To hell with this. I shot out of the chair and marched down the hall to the tiny mess at the rear of the ship. Kicking open the dry goods cabinet, I crouched down and dug through the crates of ration bars until I found the chocolate ones. I ripped off the plastic wrap and shoved the whole thing into my mouth, chewing angrily as I paced the small space and forced myself to face facts like a professional.
Smart or not, embarrassing or not, the truth was that I still had feelings for Rupert. In my defense, though, what was not to love? He was handsome, thoughtful, a fantastic fighter who respected my abilities, a good cook, and a great kisser. He was also a sly operative, something I deeply respected because I was anything but, and he was so, so loving. Love was what had made his betrayal sting so badly to begin with, but once he’d explained his reasons, even that was something I could understand. It didn’t hurt that he’d gone above and beyond trying to make up for it, either. I mean, Rupert had chosen me over the
entire universe
. Even if I didn’t trust him, how could I not be touched?
So there it was, then. I loved him. I wasn’t sure about the rest, but that much I could no longer deny. I loved Rupert, had always loved him really, and it didn’t matter for squat, because I was going to die.
I chewed sullenly, forcing myself to swallow the ration that suddenly tasted more like coal dust than chocolate. I was going to die. That wasn’t just pessimism, either. Any way you cut it, my life was a done deal. If the lelgis didn’t get me, the virus would. Even if Rupert’s mystery doctor knew exactly what to do, even if we popped out of hyperspace to find Caldswell waiting to keep all his promises and proclaim me the hero who saved the daughters and ended the war with the phantoms, the likelihood of me getting out of this alive was practically null. And even if I did, it wasn’t like the Eyes would let me escape, not with what I knew.
I stopped pacing, sinking to the floor with my head in my hands. It was that or cry, which I was
definitely
not going to do. I couldn’t even explain why I was suddenly so upset. To die gloriously for a greater cause was a blessing, an honor. Even if I failed to find a use for the virus and couldn’t save the daughters from their slavery, at least I’d kept it out of Reaper’s hands. That alone was enough to earn me a spot in the Warrior’s Heaven five times over, so why wasn’t I happy? Why did I feel this stupid sense of loss?
This was exactly why I should have stuck by my resolve, I
actual
me, not Devi Morris, Virus Container. But Rupert had, and now I was more confused than ever.
I’d sworn I’d never be
that girl
, the one who claimed she was done with a guy only to come crawling back a few days later. But apparently all it took was a little groveling, some overtime, and a pot of homemade soup and I was ready to forgive and forget. Even now, I was more disappointed than I wanted to admit that Anthony had interrupted us in the kitchen. I was especially grumpy that I hadn’t kissed Rupert good night before he’d locked himself in, which was just embarrassing. We’d agreed to a clean slate, not a step back in time. What the hell was wrong with me?
I leaned back in the captain’s chair, digging the heels of my palms into my eyes with a frustrated groan. It was just lust, I reasoned. Brushes with death always left me vulnerable and needy, and death and I had been best friends lately. Add in my well-documented weakness for Rupert and our physical proximity and it was no wonder I was having these idiotic impulses. But lust didn’t explain the way his smile made my stomach flip-flop, or the way my whole body lit up every time he said he loved me, or how happy I’d felt when I’d learned he worried about me, or how much I worried about him, or—
To hell with this. I shot out of the chair and marched down the hall to the tiny mess at the rear of the ship. Kicking open the dry goods cabinet, I crouched down and dug through the crates of ration bars until I found the chocolate ones. I ripped off the plastic wrap and shoved the whole thing into my mouth, chewing angrily as I paced the small space and forced myself to face facts like a professional.
Smart or not, embarrassing or not, the truth was that I still had feelings for Rupert. In my defense, though, what was not to love? He was handsome, thoughtful, a fantastic fighter who respected my abilities, a good cook, and a great kisser. He was also a sly operative, something I deeply respected because I was anything but, and he was so, so loving. Love was what had made his betrayal sting so badly to begin with, but once he’d explained his reasons, even that was something I could understand. It didn’t hurt that he’d gone above and beyond trying to make up for it, either. I mean, Rupert had chosen me over the
entire universe
. Even if I didn’t trust him, how could I not be touched?
So there it was, then. I loved him. I wasn’t sure about the rest, but that much I could no longer deny. I loved Rupert, had always loved him really, and it didn’t matter for squat, because I was going to die.
I chewed sullenly, forcing myself to swallow the ration that suddenly tasted more like coal dust than chocolate. I was going to die. That wasn’t just pessimism, either. Any way you cut it, my life was a done deal. If the lelgis didn’t get me, the virus would. Even if Rupert’s mystery doctor knew exactly what to do, even if we popped out of hyperspace to find Caldswell waiting to keep all his promises and proclaim me the hero who saved the daughters and ended the war with the phantoms, the likelihood of me getting out of this alive was practically null. And even if I did, it wasn’t like the Eyes would let me escape, not with what I knew.
I stopped pacing, sinking to the floor with my head in my hands. It was that or cry, which I was
definitely
not going to do. I couldn’t even explain why I was suddenly so upset. To die gloriously for a greater cause was a blessing, an honor. Even if I failed to find a use for the virus and couldn’t save the daughters from their slavery, at least I’d kept it out of Reaper’s hands. That alone was enough to earn me a spot in the Warrior’s Heaven five times over, so why wasn’t I happy? Why did I feel this stupid sense of loss?
This was exactly why I should have stuck by my resolve, I
Similar Books
