semester.”
“What!”
“In Sex Ed. You know how you’re supposed to write a paragraph on ‘why I’m saving myself for marriage’? Well, I did.”
“And?”
“Uhh…let’s just say it didn’t go over well. That class is so much religious bullshit it’s not even funny.”
“You don’t believe in God?”
“Hell, no. So to speak. You?”
“Well, yeah. Of course.” Dex was befuddled by Alex’s atheism. “I mean, how could we have music without God, don’t you feel like you’re, you know, touching God when you play?”
“No. I feel like I’m touching humanity. But come on, you know that abstinence education is bullshit, right?”
“Oh hell yeah. Kids around here are gettin’ knocked up left and right.”
“And that’s all about control, you know?” Alex’s arms flailed now, waving the joint around as he got into it. “What they want, see, they don’t want to stop you having sex. They just want to see you punished for having sex. I mean, they need you to have sex without condoms, so you get STDs or get some girl pregnant. So they can make you repent. It’s…the whole system is all about sinning. You can have the sin, as long as you’re punished. The system needs you to sin, so that it can continually re-exert control over you through the punishment, so they can point to you and say to the others, ‘let that be a lesson!’ But…if you get laid, and use a condom, and nothing bad happens, then there’s no punishment! You had fun, disobeying them, and nothing bad happened! What could be worse!”
“Huh. I never thought about it like that.” Alex was so smart, he thought. So…self assured. His small body had so much righteous anger in it, like a V8 engine had been put in a little VW. He watched Alex’s face in profile, the set of his jaw, the way his mouth moved, his hair flopping over one eye with that new, whatdyacallit, Emo hairdo. He was so handsome, really.
He blinked. Whoa. Was I just checking out a guy? No. No, I’m just stoned and tripping.
“So,” he said hesitantly, “what did you write in your abstinence paper thing that pissed them off.”
Alex laughed. “Oh, that. Yeah, I said that I wasn’t really sure yet, but I might like guys, and if I saved myself for marriage, well in that case I’d never have sex, because gays can’t get married.” He bent over laughing. “You should have seen the look on Mrs. Parsons’ face when she handed me back the paper.”
Dex felt something strange, unfamiliar – an excited dread, a thrilling terror. He’d walked home from school with Alex, laughing, joking, putting him in a headlock or just throwing his arm around his shoulder, just buddies, messin’ around. Now suddenly every physical contact he’d had with Alex took on new meaning. Did he…did he get excited when I touched him?
Dex recoiled from the idea. Somewhere deep inside himself, he was recoiling not from Alex’s gayness, or even his own, but from the primal terror of becoming the outcast. What if people knew Alex was gay? What would they say if they saw me…touching him? They’ll think I’m gay, too.
“Are…are you gay?”
Alex hesitated. Dex had asked the question to the wall, not looking at him. “I don’t know. Maybe. Don’t knock it till you tried it, right?”
“It’s a sin.”
Alex sighed. “What isn’t?”
Dex turned to look at his friend, to see his face full on, to see…to see what he wanted to see, didn’t want to see.
And it was there. Alex was looking at him with this open, plain, intense gaze that said, yeah. I would, with you.
All Dex had to do was lean in. Put his lips on Alex’s soft, sensitive mouth. Then he really would be in another universe.
Then the hammer came down in his head. GAY. Then he’d be GAY. He’d lose his friends and his family and his life, he’d have to trade in all his clothes for a neon
“What!”
“In Sex Ed. You know how you’re supposed to write a paragraph on ‘why I’m saving myself for marriage’? Well, I did.”
“And?”
“Uhh…let’s just say it didn’t go over well. That class is so much religious bullshit it’s not even funny.”
“You don’t believe in God?”
“Hell, no. So to speak. You?”
“Well, yeah. Of course.” Dex was befuddled by Alex’s atheism. “I mean, how could we have music without God, don’t you feel like you’re, you know, touching God when you play?”
“No. I feel like I’m touching humanity. But come on, you know that abstinence education is bullshit, right?”
“Oh hell yeah. Kids around here are gettin’ knocked up left and right.”
“And that’s all about control, you know?” Alex’s arms flailed now, waving the joint around as he got into it. “What they want, see, they don’t want to stop you having sex. They just want to see you punished for having sex. I mean, they need you to have sex without condoms, so you get STDs or get some girl pregnant. So they can make you repent. It’s…the whole system is all about sinning. You can have the sin, as long as you’re punished. The system needs you to sin, so that it can continually re-exert control over you through the punishment, so they can point to you and say to the others, ‘let that be a lesson!’ But…if you get laid, and use a condom, and nothing bad happens, then there’s no punishment! You had fun, disobeying them, and nothing bad happened! What could be worse!”
“Huh. I never thought about it like that.” Alex was so smart, he thought. So…self assured. His small body had so much righteous anger in it, like a V8 engine had been put in a little VW. He watched Alex’s face in profile, the set of his jaw, the way his mouth moved, his hair flopping over one eye with that new, whatdyacallit, Emo hairdo. He was so handsome, really.
He blinked. Whoa. Was I just checking out a guy? No. No, I’m just stoned and tripping.
“So,” he said hesitantly, “what did you write in your abstinence paper thing that pissed them off.”
Alex laughed. “Oh, that. Yeah, I said that I wasn’t really sure yet, but I might like guys, and if I saved myself for marriage, well in that case I’d never have sex, because gays can’t get married.” He bent over laughing. “You should have seen the look on Mrs. Parsons’ face when she handed me back the paper.”
Dex felt something strange, unfamiliar – an excited dread, a thrilling terror. He’d walked home from school with Alex, laughing, joking, putting him in a headlock or just throwing his arm around his shoulder, just buddies, messin’ around. Now suddenly every physical contact he’d had with Alex took on new meaning. Did he…did he get excited when I touched him?
Dex recoiled from the idea. Somewhere deep inside himself, he was recoiling not from Alex’s gayness, or even his own, but from the primal terror of becoming the outcast. What if people knew Alex was gay? What would they say if they saw me…touching him? They’ll think I’m gay, too.
“Are…are you gay?”
Alex hesitated. Dex had asked the question to the wall, not looking at him. “I don’t know. Maybe. Don’t knock it till you tried it, right?”
“It’s a sin.”
Alex sighed. “What isn’t?”
Dex turned to look at his friend, to see his face full on, to see…to see what he wanted to see, didn’t want to see.
And it was there. Alex was looking at him with this open, plain, intense gaze that said, yeah. I would, with you.
All Dex had to do was lean in. Put his lips on Alex’s soft, sensitive mouth. Then he really would be in another universe.
Then the hammer came down in his head. GAY. Then he’d be GAY. He’d lose his friends and his family and his life, he’d have to trade in all his clothes for a neon
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