Payton.
Marcus gives me two hours with my family while he hovers around waiting for me.
I see my family and fake it – I smile, laugh, crack jokes. Comes easy to me . I’m a big fat liar , remember?
Austin stares silently at me and I get the feeling he knows something is wrong.
The villagers hear about my visit and swarm in to see Diablo’s obsession. They bring gifts and are relentless with their questions - h ow come I’m still alive? Has anyone bitten a chunk out of me as yet? Is Diago half-man half-beast.
I tell them about life at Tana-Mera - C h rista is evil, Diablo s eldom sp eaks more than two words at a time, Tongue is really a Troll, Maria and Rosa are great ladies and that I’m okay, just bored.
‘They eat people?
‘He’s not half-man half-beast and they’re definitely not cannibals , ’ I say.
Sighs of relief from some – looks of disappointment from others.
‘I haven’t been fed human flesh and they ha ven’t bitten a chunk out of me. ’ I run my hands lightly over my body. See? But if they come to eat me; I’d suggest my nalgas first,’ I chuckle and pat my butt.
They nod, but do not laugh.
Two hours fly, it’s time to leave and my façade slips - I fight back tears. I don’t want to go back to the ranch and Diablo’s unwanted visits . I guess it’s obvious because the villagers are speaking words of comfort and trying to reassure me.
I desperately summon a smile, but fail miserably and a tear escapes. Fuck! Why the hell can’t I get my shit together?
People around me are aghast at my tears. What happened to sassy, smart-alecky, provocative Payton? Payton the prankster?
‘Dad, you need to go back to America , ’ I say.
‘Why? I’m happy here Payton. Especially since you’re okay.’ I’m okay ? He my father; how could he miss my despair?
‘Dad, Diablo – Christa is evil, dad. Diablo and Christa and everyone else there.’
‘Relax Payton. I leave when I’m ready to. Besides, how can I leave when there are so many lovely Senorita’s around, huh?’
I sigh and look at Elaine.
‘I tell him that all the time,’ Elaine complains, ‘but he insists on staying here. Austin won’t leave so Paris won’t leave and I guess, well, I have to stay too.’
Saying goodbye to my family leaves me unhinged and depressed . Austin gives me a long hug and squeezes my waist really hard.
I cry all the way home. Marcus watches me though the rear view mirror but says nothing. When we arrive at the ranch, I walk straight to my room and crawl under the covers and cry into my pillow. Through the depths of my despair, I decide to kill myself.
First, I need to write a letter to the only person I love – the only person who loves me - Austin . In spite of everything, in spite of him dumping me and marrying my beautiful step-sister, I ’m certain he cares. My father cares because he is genetically programmed to love me. But Austin , he didn’t have to, but he does . I see how he looks at me – the tenderness in his eyes, the way he cocks his beautiful head to one side when he smiles at me, the way he squeezes my waist. I feel his secret love. I really do.
23 July 2002
Dear Austin, I’m sorry I have to say goodbye. In spite of everything, I still love you. For a while you made me feel beautiful and wanted. I can’t help but
Marcus gives me two hours with my family while he hovers around waiting for me.
I see my family and fake it – I smile, laugh, crack jokes. Comes easy to me . I’m a big fat liar , remember?
Austin stares silently at me and I get the feeling he knows something is wrong.
The villagers hear about my visit and swarm in to see Diablo’s obsession. They bring gifts and are relentless with their questions - h ow come I’m still alive? Has anyone bitten a chunk out of me as yet? Is Diago half-man half-beast.
I tell them about life at Tana-Mera - C h rista is evil, Diablo s eldom sp eaks more than two words at a time, Tongue is really a Troll, Maria and Rosa are great ladies and that I’m okay, just bored.
‘They eat people?
‘He’s not half-man half-beast and they’re definitely not cannibals , ’ I say.
Sighs of relief from some – looks of disappointment from others.
‘I haven’t been fed human flesh and they ha ven’t bitten a chunk out of me. ’ I run my hands lightly over my body. See? But if they come to eat me; I’d suggest my nalgas first,’ I chuckle and pat my butt.
They nod, but do not laugh.
Two hours fly, it’s time to leave and my façade slips - I fight back tears. I don’t want to go back to the ranch and Diablo’s unwanted visits . I guess it’s obvious because the villagers are speaking words of comfort and trying to reassure me.
I desperately summon a smile, but fail miserably and a tear escapes. Fuck! Why the hell can’t I get my shit together?
People around me are aghast at my tears. What happened to sassy, smart-alecky, provocative Payton? Payton the prankster?
‘Dad, you need to go back to America , ’ I say.
‘Why? I’m happy here Payton. Especially since you’re okay.’ I’m okay ? He my father; how could he miss my despair?
‘Dad, Diablo – Christa is evil, dad. Diablo and Christa and everyone else there.’
‘Relax Payton. I leave when I’m ready to. Besides, how can I leave when there are so many lovely Senorita’s around, huh?’
I sigh and look at Elaine.
‘I tell him that all the time,’ Elaine complains, ‘but he insists on staying here. Austin won’t leave so Paris won’t leave and I guess, well, I have to stay too.’
Saying goodbye to my family leaves me unhinged and depressed . Austin gives me a long hug and squeezes my waist really hard.
I cry all the way home. Marcus watches me though the rear view mirror but says nothing. When we arrive at the ranch, I walk straight to my room and crawl under the covers and cry into my pillow. Through the depths of my despair, I decide to kill myself.
First, I need to write a letter to the only person I love – the only person who loves me - Austin . In spite of everything, in spite of him dumping me and marrying my beautiful step-sister, I ’m certain he cares. My father cares because he is genetically programmed to love me. But Austin , he didn’t have to, but he does . I see how he looks at me – the tenderness in his eyes, the way he cocks his beautiful head to one side when he smiles at me, the way he squeezes my waist. I feel his secret love. I really do.
23 July 2002
Dear Austin, I’m sorry I have to say goodbye. In spite of everything, I still love you. For a while you made me feel beautiful and wanted. I can’t help but
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