GRINGA by Eve Rabi Page B

Payton.
                  Marcus gives me two hours with my family while he hovers around waiting for me. 
                       I see my family and fake it – I smile, laugh, crack jokes. Comes easy to me . I’m a big fat liar , remember?  
                  Austin stares silently at me and I get the feeling he knows something is wrong.
                  The villagers hear about my visit and swarm in to see Diablo’s obsession. They bring gifts and are relentless with their questions - h ow come I’m still alive? Has anyone bitten a chunk out of me as yet? Is Diago half-man half-beast.
                  I tell them about life at Tana-Mera - C h rista is evil, Diablo s eldom sp eaks more than two words at a time, Tongue is really a Troll, Maria and Rosa are great ladies and that I’m okay, just bored.
                  ‘They eat people?
                  ‘He’s not half-man half-beast and they’re definitely not cannibals , ’ I say.  
                  Sighs of relief from some – looks of disappointment from others.
                  ‘I haven’t been fed human flesh and they ha ven’t bitten a chunk out of me. ’ I run my hands lightly over my body. See? But if they come to eat me; I’d suggest my nalgas first,’ I chuckle and pat my butt.
                  They nod, but do not laugh.
                  Two hours fly, it’s time to leave and my façade slips - I fight back tears. I don’t want to go back to the ranch and Diablo’s unwanted visits . I guess it’s obvious because the villagers are speaking words of comfort and trying to reassure me. 
                  I desperately summon a smile, but fail miserably and a tear escapes. Fuck! Why the hell can’t I get my shit together?
                  People around me are aghast at my tears. What happened to sassy, smart-alecky, provocative Payton? Payton the prankster?  
                       ‘Dad, you need to go back to America , ’ I say.
                  ‘Why? I’m happy here Payton. Especially since you’re okay.’ I’m okay ? He my father; how could he miss my despair?
                  ‘Dad, Diablo – Christa is evil, dad. Diablo and Christa and everyone else there.’
                  ‘Relax Payton. I leave when I’m ready to. Besides, how can I leave when there are so many lovely Senorita’s around, huh?’
                  I sigh and look at Elaine.
                  ‘I tell him that all the time,’ Elaine complains, ‘but he insists on staying here. Austin won’t leave so Paris won’t leave and I guess, well, I have to stay too.’
                       Saying goodbye to my family leaves me unhinged and depressed . Austin gives me a long hug and squeezes my waist really hard.
                  I cry all the way home. Marcus watches me though the rear view mirror but says nothing. When we arrive at the ranch, I walk straight to my room and crawl under the covers and cry into my pillow.               Through the depths of my despair, I decide to kill myself. 
                  First, I need to write a letter to the only person I love – the only person who loves me - Austin . In spite of everything, in spite of him dumping me and marrying my beautiful step-sister, I ’m certain he cares. My father cares because he is genetically programmed to love me. But Austin , he didn’t have to, but he does . I see how he looks at me – the tenderness in his eyes, the way he cocks his beautiful head to one side when he smiles at me, the way he squeezes my waist. I feel his secret love. I really do.
     
    23 July 2002
    Dear Austin, I’m sorry I have to say goodbye. In spite of everything, I still love you. For a while you made me feel beautiful and wanted. I can’t help but