the thought of her mother-in-law. She had looked forward to telling Sean so much because she had known it was what he wanted to hear and that he would be pleased.
Unlike Archie Cooper.
When Gracie had told him the same news all those years ago, he hadn’t even stayed until the end of the evening before hot-footing it out of Southend and her life.
It was because this was her second pregnancy that Gracie had known for sure she was expecting but she couldn’t admit to that, she had to pretend that it was all new to her; the same as, engulfed in guilt, she had pretended to Sean that it was her first time on their wedding night.
‘Let’s go out and celebrate,’ Sean said now. ‘We could go down to the Castle. The lounge bar is nice there, very suitable for a respectable expectant mother.’
‘I don’t want to celebrate just yet, Sean. Can we wait until the test results come back and confirm it? I know the doctor has said it but I’d like to be completely sure. Just in case.’
‘I don’t have to wait for test results to tell me what I can see in your eyes. Mam always says you can tell just by looking into a woman’s eyes and I can see it in yours, you’re alight with happiness.’
As Sean looked at her so happily Gracie felt her guilty fear rise back up to the surface. She felt guilty because she hadn’t told her husband her secret and she also felt guilty about the joy she was feeling at her pregnancy.
It was all so bittersweet and she was confused.
With hindsight Gracie knew she should have told him about her previous baby when they became engaged, and taken her chances on his reaction, but she’d left it too late. The moment to tell him had passed and now the secret had to be kept forever. But it was hard.
From the moment Sean had proposed to her, Gracie had been focused on conceiving a baby. She had thought about it constantly to the point of obsession but as her craving had increased, so had her feelings of guilt over her firstborn. She desperately wanted a baby with Sean but she couldn’t help thinking that it would be a betrayal of the little boy she had given up, the little boy who was exactly the same age as Maggie.
At the time of his birth she hadn’t wanted to give him a name, knowing that whoever adopted him would name him themselves but the nuns had insisted she had to have one to register the birth. So while she was still in the hospital with him she had chosen the name Joseph McCabe on the spur of the moment; after his father, Archie Joseph Cooper, the father he would also never know. The man who had disappeared faster than a frightened rabbit.
Joseph McCabe. Mother: Gracie McCabe, spinster. Father: Unknown.
Gracie had neither a copy of the certificate of birth nor a photograph of her baby. She had nothing other than the picture in her head of him as he was when she kissed him goodbye, just before walking out of the hospital when he was but a week old and leaving him there to be adopted by strangers.
She had gone back to the Palace hotel where she had worked before and managed to persuade the housekeeper to give her a live-in job. It was a basic role and it was hard manual work, but Gracie got on with it without a murmur because it meant she had somewhere to live, and she didn’t have to go back to the family home. She got on with her job and her life as if nothing had happened.
In the following years she had successfully blocked the whole traumatic time from her mind and, apart from on relevant dates, it had become something she just didn’t think about.
But once she had married Sean it suddenly became all she could think about. While she desperately wanted a baby, the thought of the child she had, in her eyes, abandoned and betrayed played on her mind constantly.
The moment the doctor confirmed that she was indeed pregnant was one of mixed emotions for Gracie but she tried to brush all feelings of guilt aside and decided to prepare a special meal for Sean that night.
‘Have you
Unlike Archie Cooper.
When Gracie had told him the same news all those years ago, he hadn’t even stayed until the end of the evening before hot-footing it out of Southend and her life.
It was because this was her second pregnancy that Gracie had known for sure she was expecting but she couldn’t admit to that, she had to pretend that it was all new to her; the same as, engulfed in guilt, she had pretended to Sean that it was her first time on their wedding night.
‘Let’s go out and celebrate,’ Sean said now. ‘We could go down to the Castle. The lounge bar is nice there, very suitable for a respectable expectant mother.’
‘I don’t want to celebrate just yet, Sean. Can we wait until the test results come back and confirm it? I know the doctor has said it but I’d like to be completely sure. Just in case.’
‘I don’t have to wait for test results to tell me what I can see in your eyes. Mam always says you can tell just by looking into a woman’s eyes and I can see it in yours, you’re alight with happiness.’
As Sean looked at her so happily Gracie felt her guilty fear rise back up to the surface. She felt guilty because she hadn’t told her husband her secret and she also felt guilty about the joy she was feeling at her pregnancy.
It was all so bittersweet and she was confused.
With hindsight Gracie knew she should have told him about her previous baby when they became engaged, and taken her chances on his reaction, but she’d left it too late. The moment to tell him had passed and now the secret had to be kept forever. But it was hard.
From the moment Sean had proposed to her, Gracie had been focused on conceiving a baby. She had thought about it constantly to the point of obsession but as her craving had increased, so had her feelings of guilt over her firstborn. She desperately wanted a baby with Sean but she couldn’t help thinking that it would be a betrayal of the little boy she had given up, the little boy who was exactly the same age as Maggie.
At the time of his birth she hadn’t wanted to give him a name, knowing that whoever adopted him would name him themselves but the nuns had insisted she had to have one to register the birth. So while she was still in the hospital with him she had chosen the name Joseph McCabe on the spur of the moment; after his father, Archie Joseph Cooper, the father he would also never know. The man who had disappeared faster than a frightened rabbit.
Joseph McCabe. Mother: Gracie McCabe, spinster. Father: Unknown.
Gracie had neither a copy of the certificate of birth nor a photograph of her baby. She had nothing other than the picture in her head of him as he was when she kissed him goodbye, just before walking out of the hospital when he was but a week old and leaving him there to be adopted by strangers.
She had gone back to the Palace hotel where she had worked before and managed to persuade the housekeeper to give her a live-in job. It was a basic role and it was hard manual work, but Gracie got on with it without a murmur because it meant she had somewhere to live, and she didn’t have to go back to the family home. She got on with her job and her life as if nothing had happened.
In the following years she had successfully blocked the whole traumatic time from her mind and, apart from on relevant dates, it had become something she just didn’t think about.
But once she had married Sean it suddenly became all she could think about. While she desperately wanted a baby, the thought of the child she had, in her eyes, abandoned and betrayed played on her mind constantly.
The moment the doctor confirmed that she was indeed pregnant was one of mixed emotions for Gracie but she tried to brush all feelings of guilt aside and decided to prepare a special meal for Sean that night.
‘Have you
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