goin’ ta stick around and make sure of that?” Scott asked softly.
“Do I have to?”
“Yes.” Scott lifted his chin, jaw set.
“Okay,” said Jim.
Scott sighed. It was a light exhalation of air, but the release of it traveled all up and down the tension that had been visible in Scott's body, something heavy leaving his eyes as it did so. “Okay.”
Jim's hand caressed the golden head one more time. His thumb traced Scott's jaw. Relaxed, Scott's willful mouth looked soft and kissable. So he kissed it again. Scott gave under him, mouth opening to receive his tongue, eyes flickering closed.
His eyes were still closed when Jim pulled away, so Jim was able to get control of himself before Scott opened his eyes again.
Jim reached across to the bedside lamp and switched it off. “Now, sleep,” he said.
He helped Scott lie down and tucked him in. The other man curled on his side, relaxed and asleep in seconds. Then Jim gathered up their plates and tiptoed out of the room.
Paul was waiting in the living room when Jim came in. He seemed to be watching some program, but he hit the Mute button as soon as Jim sat down.
“Where's Brian?” asked Jim.
“He's got some new software that does accounts,” said Paul. “He's transferring all my business transactions into it.”
Jim chuckled. “He'll make a rich man of you sooner or later, I bet.”
“I'd settle for being able to stay down here full-time.” Paul frowned at the TV remote and set it carefully on the table. “I'm counting on you to be here when I go up north next year.”
Jim nodded.
“I've been thinking that maybe it's time I bought my own dealership here in LA. Maybe bring Brian in when he gets his degree.”
“Sounds like a good plan. You're thinking long-term. That's... good.”
“Have to,” said Paul. “That's how it works.”
Jim nodded, eyes hooded.
“So.” Paul looked his friend over. “I thought you might want to talk about it now.”
Jim nodded again, studying his folded hands. “Yeah, it's time to talk about it.” He frowned at his hands and nodded to himself, sadly. “His name was Robert. He was... maybe a year or two older than Brian when I met him.” Jim's brows creased in a little pain. “He was sweet. Kind. Creative. Just... a little too sensitive sometimes. And... there were the drugs.”
“Ah.”
“He was addicted. We'd been living together for a few months before I even realized that there was a problem. So many guys were snorting coke in those days, you know? It seemed recreational. I didn't see it at first, and then when I did, I went the whole route. Blaming myself, blaming his dealers. Blaming him. Threats. Everything. I did everything wrong.”
“What's the right thing in those situations?” said Paul. “Nobody ever knows.”
“I wanted to help him myself. I tried controlling him.” A bitter laugh. “When I saw that that wasn't working, I called one of those twelve-step programs.” Jim laid a big hand over his eyes. “He was so angry with me.”
“He had to know why you did it?”
Jim's head shook slowly side to side. “No. No, it wasn't about the relationship at all. I couldn't see that. I was such an ass, I thought he was still testing me. Of course it was so much more than that. So... he... he OD'd.”
“God, I'm sorry, Jim.”
“Wasn't the first time,” said Jim, talking faster, like he could get the words out and it would be over sooner, like ripping off a Band-Aid. “But it was the last. They never brought him around, I heard. I... I didn't even know. We'd fought. I'd told him the drugs or me.” He laughed. A sad, angry laugh. “Guess he picked the drugs.” Jim put his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands.
Paul waited silently for his friend to regain his composure.
“That was almost a decade ago. Sometimes it seems like it happened just last week. I don't know if I can feel that again. Lose someone like that again.”
“But Scott isn't him,
“Do I have to?”
“Yes.” Scott lifted his chin, jaw set.
“Okay,” said Jim.
Scott sighed. It was a light exhalation of air, but the release of it traveled all up and down the tension that had been visible in Scott's body, something heavy leaving his eyes as it did so. “Okay.”
Jim's hand caressed the golden head one more time. His thumb traced Scott's jaw. Relaxed, Scott's willful mouth looked soft and kissable. So he kissed it again. Scott gave under him, mouth opening to receive his tongue, eyes flickering closed.
His eyes were still closed when Jim pulled away, so Jim was able to get control of himself before Scott opened his eyes again.
Jim reached across to the bedside lamp and switched it off. “Now, sleep,” he said.
He helped Scott lie down and tucked him in. The other man curled on his side, relaxed and asleep in seconds. Then Jim gathered up their plates and tiptoed out of the room.
Paul was waiting in the living room when Jim came in. He seemed to be watching some program, but he hit the Mute button as soon as Jim sat down.
“Where's Brian?” asked Jim.
“He's got some new software that does accounts,” said Paul. “He's transferring all my business transactions into it.”
Jim chuckled. “He'll make a rich man of you sooner or later, I bet.”
“I'd settle for being able to stay down here full-time.” Paul frowned at the TV remote and set it carefully on the table. “I'm counting on you to be here when I go up north next year.”
Jim nodded.
“I've been thinking that maybe it's time I bought my own dealership here in LA. Maybe bring Brian in when he gets his degree.”
“Sounds like a good plan. You're thinking long-term. That's... good.”
“Have to,” said Paul. “That's how it works.”
Jim nodded, eyes hooded.
“So.” Paul looked his friend over. “I thought you might want to talk about it now.”
Jim nodded again, studying his folded hands. “Yeah, it's time to talk about it.” He frowned at his hands and nodded to himself, sadly. “His name was Robert. He was... maybe a year or two older than Brian when I met him.” Jim's brows creased in a little pain. “He was sweet. Kind. Creative. Just... a little too sensitive sometimes. And... there were the drugs.”
“Ah.”
“He was addicted. We'd been living together for a few months before I even realized that there was a problem. So many guys were snorting coke in those days, you know? It seemed recreational. I didn't see it at first, and then when I did, I went the whole route. Blaming myself, blaming his dealers. Blaming him. Threats. Everything. I did everything wrong.”
“What's the right thing in those situations?” said Paul. “Nobody ever knows.”
“I wanted to help him myself. I tried controlling him.” A bitter laugh. “When I saw that that wasn't working, I called one of those twelve-step programs.” Jim laid a big hand over his eyes. “He was so angry with me.”
“He had to know why you did it?”
Jim's head shook slowly side to side. “No. No, it wasn't about the relationship at all. I couldn't see that. I was such an ass, I thought he was still testing me. Of course it was so much more than that. So... he... he OD'd.”
“God, I'm sorry, Jim.”
“Wasn't the first time,” said Jim, talking faster, like he could get the words out and it would be over sooner, like ripping off a Band-Aid. “But it was the last. They never brought him around, I heard. I... I didn't even know. We'd fought. I'd told him the drugs or me.” He laughed. A sad, angry laugh. “Guess he picked the drugs.” Jim put his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands.
Paul waited silently for his friend to regain his composure.
“That was almost a decade ago. Sometimes it seems like it happened just last week. I don't know if I can feel that again. Lose someone like that again.”
“But Scott isn't him,
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