complimenting people like you know them. I turn around to tell him that, to get a few things straight, but Oliver is already gone, back to Blake, the ASB, and the gavel of truth.
Chapter 9
Favorite beach destinations of Orange County:
1. Tide pools at Corona del Mar
2. Bonfires on Huntington
3. Surfers at Laguna
4. Balboa Pier at Newport
On Wednesday at 6:20 a.m., Dad drops me off at the parking lot by Balboa Pier. Grandma is already sitting on a bench, the fourth one down on the right. I slide in next to her as she wordlessly offers me a beignet out of the paper sack she picked up from our favorite bakery in Newport. It’s a healthy eating day for me, but this is a tradition. Her top lip has a dusty mustache of powdered sugar. “Do you have your Rumination?” Grandma whispers.
I nod and we turn our faces to the promise of morning. Grandma always said that you can find the answer to any question in a sunrise, and so she calls these meditative sessions Ruminations. During our weekend sleepovers, she used to kick me out of bed and drag me to the back porch of her town house near the top of Telegraph Hill in San Francisco, her home before San Luis Opispo. At first she’d give me a Rumination, like Who do you want to be, Mallory? Or If you could fly anywhere, where would you go? But as I got older, she made me pick my own thoughts, and in those moments I would ask myself things I never had the courage to consider during regular life.
But I can’t settle on a clear Rumination today. I have to comb through all the doubt and whining, the Why would Jeremy do that? and Will I ever find love again? to The List and what it means. I’m two beignets in when I finally settle my mind on what I really want from The List: understanding. I don’t know if I’ll figure out what happened with Jeremy, or who I really am, or who my grandma was. But if only one of these questions is answered, it will be a win.
The sun awakens and the clouds stretch their dusky pink arms into the morning. A sunrise is one of those frequent snapshots that you take for granted because it’s on a million dollar-store calendars. But here, next to my grandma, with sugar on my lips and so many thoughts in my heart, I know that this dewy moment matters.
A fisherman plops his bucket down on a weathered plank, perching his pole on his knee as he digs through his tackle box. Grandma wipes her hands on her bohemian-style skirt. “Thanks for meeting me here. I haven’t had a good Rumination in a while.”
As busy as my grandma was being a Very Important Person, she always made time to make Ginnie and me feel special. Well, I suppose that hasn’t quite been the case for the past year or two, not since Grandpa’s life ended and Grandma’s dreams seemed to die with him. This retirement community must be her new dream, and although she hasn’t seen us as much as usual, I can’t blame her for the separation. “I really needed this today, Grandma. Thanks.”
“Is there a reason you needed this?” Grandma asks. The sky is completely blue now, the sun illuminating the worried lines around her eyes. “When you were over with Ginnie the other day, it seemed like there was something wrong, something besides a homecoming dress. I’m here if you need to talk about it.”
This is my opening to tell her about Jeremy. This is my chance to talk to someone who meditates during sunrises, who loved the same person for forty years, who never questions me like my mom does. But it’s her compassion that stops me. She’s been all around the world, seen children literally die from preventable diseases. How can I tell her I’m upset because my boyfriend fell in love with a computer avatar? No, she would think it’s stupid and that I’m stupid by extension. I want to pretend that I’m as wonderful as she thinks I am.
“I’m fine. I’ve … gotten into history some more, you know? It probably comes from digging through your stuff with Dad. Looking at your yearbook, it just
Chapter 9
Favorite beach destinations of Orange County:
1. Tide pools at Corona del Mar
2. Bonfires on Huntington
3. Surfers at Laguna
4. Balboa Pier at Newport
On Wednesday at 6:20 a.m., Dad drops me off at the parking lot by Balboa Pier. Grandma is already sitting on a bench, the fourth one down on the right. I slide in next to her as she wordlessly offers me a beignet out of the paper sack she picked up from our favorite bakery in Newport. It’s a healthy eating day for me, but this is a tradition. Her top lip has a dusty mustache of powdered sugar. “Do you have your Rumination?” Grandma whispers.
I nod and we turn our faces to the promise of morning. Grandma always said that you can find the answer to any question in a sunrise, and so she calls these meditative sessions Ruminations. During our weekend sleepovers, she used to kick me out of bed and drag me to the back porch of her town house near the top of Telegraph Hill in San Francisco, her home before San Luis Opispo. At first she’d give me a Rumination, like Who do you want to be, Mallory? Or If you could fly anywhere, where would you go? But as I got older, she made me pick my own thoughts, and in those moments I would ask myself things I never had the courage to consider during regular life.
But I can’t settle on a clear Rumination today. I have to comb through all the doubt and whining, the Why would Jeremy do that? and Will I ever find love again? to The List and what it means. I’m two beignets in when I finally settle my mind on what I really want from The List: understanding. I don’t know if I’ll figure out what happened with Jeremy, or who I really am, or who my grandma was. But if only one of these questions is answered, it will be a win.
The sun awakens and the clouds stretch their dusky pink arms into the morning. A sunrise is one of those frequent snapshots that you take for granted because it’s on a million dollar-store calendars. But here, next to my grandma, with sugar on my lips and so many thoughts in my heart, I know that this dewy moment matters.
A fisherman plops his bucket down on a weathered plank, perching his pole on his knee as he digs through his tackle box. Grandma wipes her hands on her bohemian-style skirt. “Thanks for meeting me here. I haven’t had a good Rumination in a while.”
As busy as my grandma was being a Very Important Person, she always made time to make Ginnie and me feel special. Well, I suppose that hasn’t quite been the case for the past year or two, not since Grandpa’s life ended and Grandma’s dreams seemed to die with him. This retirement community must be her new dream, and although she hasn’t seen us as much as usual, I can’t blame her for the separation. “I really needed this today, Grandma. Thanks.”
“Is there a reason you needed this?” Grandma asks. The sky is completely blue now, the sun illuminating the worried lines around her eyes. “When you were over with Ginnie the other day, it seemed like there was something wrong, something besides a homecoming dress. I’m here if you need to talk about it.”
This is my opening to tell her about Jeremy. This is my chance to talk to someone who meditates during sunrises, who loved the same person for forty years, who never questions me like my mom does. But it’s her compassion that stops me. She’s been all around the world, seen children literally die from preventable diseases. How can I tell her I’m upset because my boyfriend fell in love with a computer avatar? No, she would think it’s stupid and that I’m stupid by extension. I want to pretend that I’m as wonderful as she thinks I am.
“I’m fine. I’ve … gotten into history some more, you know? It probably comes from digging through your stuff with Dad. Looking at your yearbook, it just
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