Gertrude by Hermann Hesse Page B

discard me. One can find friends among rascals any day, but it is difficult to do so among idealists and ordinary people if one has a reputation. You are almost the only one at the moment. And the way things are going— People like best what is hard for them to obtain, don’t you agree? I have always wanted friends but it has always been women who have been attracted to me.”
    â€œThat is partly your own fault, Mr. Muoth.”
    â€œWhy?”
    â€œYou like to treat all people as you do women. It does not work with friends and that is why they leave you. You are an egoist.”
    â€œThank goodness I am. What is more, you are too. When that dreadful Lottie poured out her tale of woe to you, you didn’t help her in any way. You also didn’t make the incident an excuse for converting me, for which I am grateful. The affair gave you a feeling of aversion and you kept away from me.”
    â€œWell, here I am again. You are right, I should have tried to help Lottie, but I don’t understand these things. She herself laughed at me and told me I didn’t understand anything about love.”
    â€œWell, you keep to friendship. It is also a good sphere. Now we’ll study the song; sit down and play the accompaniment. Do you remember how it was with your first one? It looks as if you are gradually becoming famous.”
    â€œThings are improving, but I will never catch up with you.”
    â€œNonsense, you are a composer, a creator, a little god! What is fame to you? People like me have to be pushy to get anywhere. Singers and tightrope walkers have to do the same as women, take their goods to the market while they are still in good condition. Fame up to the hilt, and money, wine and champagne! Photographs in the newspapers, and bouquets! I tell you, if I became unpopular today, or perhaps had a little inflammation of the lungs, I would be finished tomorrow, and fame and bouquets and all the rest would come to an abrupt end.”
    â€œOh, don’t worry about that until it happens.”
    â€œDo you know, I’m very curious about growing old. Youth is a real swindle—a swindle of the press and textbooks. ‘The most wonderful time of one’s life!’ Old people always seem much more contented to me. Youth is the most difficult time of life. For example, suicide rarely occurs among old people.”
    I began to play the piano and he turned his attention to the song. He quickly learned the melody and gave me an appreciative nudge with his elbow at a place where it returned significantly from a minor to a major key.
    When I arrived home in the evening, I found, as I had feared, an envelope from Mr. Imthor containing a short, friendly note and a more than substantial fee. I sent the money back and enclosed a note saying I was quite comfortably off and preferred to be allowed to visit his house as a friend. When I saw him again, he invited me to come and visit him again soon and said: “I thought you would feel like that about it. Gertrude said I should not send you anything, but I thought I would just the same.”
    From that time I was a frequent guest at Imthor’s house. I played the first-violin part at many concerts there. I brought new music with me, my own and other people’s, and most of my shorter works were first performed there.
    One afternoon in spring I found Gertrude at home alone. It was raining, and as I had slipped on the front step on leaving, she would not let me go immediately. We discussed music, and then it happened almost unintentionally that I began to talk to her confidentially, in particular about the grim period I had gone through, during which I had composed my first songs. Then I felt embarrassed and did not know whether I had been wise in making this confession to the girl. Gertrude said to me almost timorously: “I have something to confess which I hope you will not take amiss. I have made copies of two of your songs and