Game Control by Lionel Shriver Page B

you're socialized out of it or because you figure out it doesn't help. Anyway, if I was too embarrassed to raise my hand, I was certainly too embarrassed to admit that to Aunt Liz. So I told her I itched; that my underwear was too tight. Pretty resourceful.
      'So the next day, spanking new, were six pairs of panties laid out on my bed. They were enormous . Far from being too tight, they waddled down my legs. I always hated that underwear.
      'What's funny is I only figured out years later what Mrs Henderson was really on about. She thought I was masturbating. In class. Or no—Mrs Henderson would have said "playing with herself". So the whole débâcle was even more horrific than I thought.'
      'When you try too hard to be no trouble, you often cause a great deal of it.'
      'I've noticed that. One of the things that used to drive Jane—that's Ray's wife—to distraction was when she'd ask what flavour icecream I wanted, I'd say, whatever there's more of. She'd say there's plenty of vanilla and chocolate, and I'd shrug, and she would go bananas until I wouldn't get any ice-cream at all—which, I would claim, was fine with me, too. I do recall, I was difficult to punish. I'd get sent to my room, but I was perfectly happy in my room.' Eleanor clasped the hand on her shoulder, but it did not seem to have a life of its own. He had given it over as something to play with, a bauble to a child.
      'I was improbably well behaved,' she went on. 'When I was punished it was usually for something one of the other kids did. I'd take the rap and keep my mouth shut, and Jane's kids figured out early that I was a bonanza too sweet to pass up. What always amazed me was that Ray and Jane weren't clued in enough to figure that of course I wouldn't have swiped Ray's stapler without asking; I was terrified of his study. Or it would have been unheard of for me to spill Kool-Aid all over the floor without cleaning it up. That was my only criticism of them—they were bad readers of character.'
      He rearranged her with her head on his knee, stroking her forehead with the warm distraction of petting a cat. Perhaps because you couldn't do that with Malthus, who was now glaring at the two of them from the opposite side of the room, gnawing on a kernel of hard corn as if he wished it were Eleanor's head.
      'Anyway,' Eleanor continued as Calvin's fingers coaxed the tiny hairs on the edge of her scalp, 'that house was the last
    place I was going to run amok. Jane was a college friend of my mother's before Mom went completely gonzo. They had no obligation to keep me. But I adored them. I was petrified they would give me up. I was intent on being above reproach. That was the tragedy—we both read each other wrong. In fact, they had no intention of abandoning me. Moreover, they wished I would act like a normal, demanding child. They wanted to be generous, and for me sometimes to ask for something unreasonable so they could be stern and teach me that, no, there were limits; I could not have a Jaguar on my sixteenth birthday. In fact, birthdays—I'm sorry, am I running on?'
      'For once, thank heavens. Keep going.'
      'My thirteenth birthday Jane wanted to make special—I now realize. She wrapped up several packages with voluptuous ribbons. When I opened them I was so overwhelmed and, I don't know, even upset that I went rigid and shut up. I didn't respond at all, jump up and down—I'd make a deplorable game show guest. I just fingered the presents lamely and stared at the floor. From the outside, I must have looked sullen, because I'll never forget Jane slamming down the box on that slinky dress with matching shoes and shouting. "Well, you wouldn't say what you'd like, if you're not satisfied, it's your fault!" and whisking away to splurt furious sugar roses on the cake I'd not be able to stomach. I incurred her displeasure every time I tried too hard to avoid it. I made such an effort not to be burdensome it was—'
      'Burdensome.