Funny Boy Takes on the Chit-Chatting Cheeses from Chattanooga by Dan Gutman Page B

Then, without even asking, he would take some stuff out of his bag and just push it through a slot in the front door. After that, he would just walk away and do the same thing to the next house.
    “Halt, evildoer!” I shouted, leaping into his path before he could commit any more crimes.
    “What can I do for you, sonny boy?”
    “My name is not sonny boy,” I informed him. “It’s Funny Boy. And you’re under arrest!”
    “What for?”
    “Illegal dumping,” I snapped. “You can’t just throw garbage into people’s houses and walk away like nothing happened.”
    “But I’m a mailman!” the guy protested.

    “I’m not falling for that,” I retorted with a sneer. “ All men are male men.”
    The guy started laughing, so I knew it would not be long before he had ceased his illegal activities. As you may know, people find it very difficult to commit crimes and laugh at the same time.
    “As Funny Boy,” I continued, “it is my duty to use jokes and humor to make criminals obey the laws of the land.”
    “So you’re going to tell me jokes?”
    “That’s right,” I replied. “What do you call a boy with three eyes?”
    “What?”
    “Seymour.”
    “That’s terrible,” the man groaned. “Please stop that.”
    “I have not yet begun to unleash the power of my humor!” I shouted. “Why don’t elephants smoke?”
    “Why?”
    “They can’t fit their butts in the ashtray.”
    “Okay, okay,” he whimpered, covering his ears. “I’ve heard enough. Please stop telling jokes.”
    “I will stop telling jokes if you stop dumping your trash into other people’s houses.”
    “Anything, anything.”
    By now you are certainly asking yourself what a cheese shortage and mailmen have to do with aliens attacking Earth. You’re probably yelling, “Get to the point!”
    Okay, I’ll get to the point.
    That very night, four enormous cheeses fell from the sky, and one of them landed on top of a mailman in Appleton, Wisconsin.

CHAPTER 3

    YOU MIGHT WANT TO READ THIS CHAPTER BECAUSE THIS IS WHEN THE ALIENS FIRST ARRIVE AND IT’S REALLY COOL. BUT HEY, IT’S A FREE COUNTRY; AND IF YOU DON’T READ IT, NOBODY’S GONNA PUT YOU IN JAIL OR ANYTHING.
    We heard about the falling cheeses because Bob Foster, my dog, Punch, and I were sitting in the living room that night watching the Food Network on TV. They were showing a documentary about eggplant.
    “Why do we have to watch the Food Network?” Punch asked Bob Foster. “You get over a hundred different channels. Can’t we watch something else?”
    “What’s wrong with the Food Network?” Bob asked.
    “It’s a whole network about food !” Punch and I wailed.
    “Okay, okay,” Bob said, picking up the remote control. “I’ll switch to the Weather Channel.”
    “No!” Punch and I screamed. “Not the Weather Channel!”
    At that moment, the words SPECIAL REPORT flashed on the screen. The three of us stopped arguing. There was a lady on the screen holding a microphone.

    “We interrupt ‘The History of Eggplant’ for this special bulletin,” the reporter announced. “This is Pamela Lancashire reporting from Appleton, Wisconsin, where a very strange, unexplainable event has occurred. Let me explain. Minutes ago, four cheeses, each about the size of a school bus, fell from the sky and landed in the parking lot behind this Appleton post office. One of them flattened a mailman named George Gouda.”
    The camera pulled back to show an enormous wedge of cheese, with a crushed mail truck beneath it.
    “Wow!” Punch exclaimed. “In fact, bowwow!”

    (Ever since Punch arrived on Earth and realized she could talk, she has refused to bark like normal dogs.)
    “Imagine that!” I said. “Cheese falling from the sky!”
    “Did I ever tell you that cheese is my hobby?” Bob Foster commented.
    “Hobbies are coin collecting and building model cars,” I scoffed. “You can’t have cheese as a hobby.”
    “I’ve always been fascinated by cheese,” Bob