Found by Tatum O'neal Page B

control, just like he had. I did to him exactly what I had been asking him for years not to do to me. So no one wins. Instead of the thoughtful, measured, adult approach that I wanted to bring to my relationship with Ryan, I had brought my fury about the past to the present situation, a big bundle of pent-up anger that wasn’t going anywhere fast.
    This was a revelation for me. If Ryan and I were ever to truly reconcile, I had to stop playing my role in the unproductive drama we’d enacted over and over for so many years. I had to break my part in the patterns of behavior that had misguided us most of our lives. I decided to make the first move toward peace.
    I sent Ryan a message saying that even if we didn’t do a show, I would still be his daughter and I loved him. He texted back the next day. It was brief: “Tate I am going to see Oprah with Ali and we’ll talk next week.” He and Ali McGraw were due to appear on Oprah in honor of the fortieth anniversary of their movie, Love Story .
    Then, a few days later, another text came from Ryan. In it, he mentioned that he had sent a text to Sean. He continued in his standard, well-suited ALL CAPS: “WALLY [that’s my cat who was still at Ryan’s] IS NEXT TO ME, BUT SEAN HAS DISAPPEARED BUT NOT SO MUCH AS A GOODBYE GRANDPA. OH WELL EASY COME EASY GO.” He signed off with “LOVE YOU.” It broke my heart to read that message, which spoke volumes to me. He clearly missed Sean but had no idea how to fix what had happened. There was love between them, I believed that, but it was stifled by the barrier they themselves had made. And so the sad history of Ryan and Tatum was repeating itself with the next generation.
    My dad may have truly believed that he didn’t do anything wrong or hurtful, but like it or not, Ryan is a parental figure for Sean. My dad doesn’t process feelings like most people. Instead, he gets aggressive and, when I was a kid, that led to some scary moments. I never stopped worrying about how it might play out with Sean. I had hoped Ryan had turned over a new leaf, but there was no guarantee.
    Sean didn’t reply to Ryan’s text. He probably understood my father well enough to know there wouldn’t be an easy or thoughtful resolution. Time would tell.
    UNLIKE FOR SEAN, it never took much from Ryan to soften me. We both wanted to put the fight behind us. It belonged in the past. I wrote him back: “I will watch Oprah . Love you.” I didn’t mention Sean. That was between them. But I felt his sadness and hoped that Ryan could redeem himself. I knew he had it in him. His warmth is a greater force than his temper. A little of his love goes a long way. All the light that I have today came from a few critical years of his affection.
    Later, when I congratulated Ryan on his Oprah appearance, he forwarded me the text message he had sent to Sean. In it he apologized and said he was sad, and he wished Sean luck. I was moved and impressed to see that Ryan had expressed his regret. It was a big step for him to take, and it was a step in the direction I hoped everything would go—with him and Sean, with him and me. It gave me real hope for our family. At the same time, I wanted to set clear boundaries. I wasn’t going to get in the middle of Ryan and Sean’s relationship. I wrote to Ryan, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
    He wrote back: “T, I just thought you should know that he blew me off. He never responded. Be good to each other.” There were a few ways I could read that, but the simplest interpretation was that he wanted a relationship with Sean, he felt he had tried, and now he was giving up. I felt sad to think that both of them would let go so quickly, but only the two of them knew exactly what had happened between them, and each of them knew how much it was worth to himself.
    Meanwhile, as the third point of this dysfunctional triangle, I still had no