one expected you to be a virgin when you walked down the aisle.
I had mixed emotions. Part of me wanted to wait until I was with my one true love. But on the other hand, unfamiliar longings boiled inside me, getting stronger by the day and I grew ever more curious. Until this point I hadn’t had the same interest in sex as my peers. Something I myself had a hard time understanding. I attributed it to two things.
First, whenever the prospect of having sex crossed my mind, I thought of all the people I’d lost, looking down on me from Heaven. I could hear my father calling my grandparents’ attention to what I was doing.
“Does everyone have a good view?” he’d shout out, and my grandmother would follow this up with gasps of horror, tisks, and “Where did she go wrong?” I pictured the look of disapproval on my father’s face as he shook his head in disappointment. Immediately any surfacing desires were squashed.
Second, I wasn’t emotionally connected to the guys I’d dated. Most of them were jerks. I didn’t think the possibility existed that I could ever grow to love any of them. Except Charlie. If I gave him enough time, I could love him.
I looked away avoiding Maria’s eyes and shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Look, I know you don’t want to hear this, but you have to forget Jordan.”
Jordan.
I had trouble swallowing. The sound of his name heightened every one of my senses. My heart leapt at the mere mention of him, and then fell back in place with the same ache I felt since the day I met him. Pathetic.
I shook her off, “This isn’t about him.”
“Like hell it isn’t.” She looked at me the way she did when she knew I lied. “It’s always about him.”
“Okay, it is, but not the way you think.”
“And what do I think?”
I rolled my eyes, annoyed we were having this conversation. “I want to want to make love to the person I’m with my first time.”
“What if it never happens with Jordan? What if you two are never more than good friends? Are you never going to have sex or get married?” she had the nerve to ask.
I shook my head, and answered very seriously, “No. I’ll join a convent.” She didn’t see the humor in that. I thought it was darn funny. “Look Maria, I want my first time to be special.”
“Yeah, but . . . ”
“I shouldn’t be fantasizing about Jordan when I’m with Charlie or else I’m not ready for that kind of relationship.”
“I just don’t want you to watch your life pass you by waiting for him to come to his senses.”
“I’m not,” I lied.
“Good,” she paused. “Because I’m not sure he ever will.”
Ouch.
“I ran into Madison while I was looking for shoes today.”
Madison. Maria sure knew how to rub salt in a wound. This name gave me angst, like a knife twisting deep in my heart. She was Jordan’s, over-a-year-and-a-half-long girlfriend. Just the mention of her name made me want to vomit.
“And?” I snapped.
“She was window shopping,” Maria hesitated, “for an engagement ring.”
I bit my bottom lip, no reason to panic. “Was Jordan with her?”
Maria shook her head, but I could see the argument forming in her eyes.
“Like you said, she was window shopping, no big deal.”
She sighed, “Stephanie.”
“He won’t marry her.” I said with absolute certainty. I saw her shake her head, just a small subtle movement. “Trust me. He won’t.”
Maria stood sorting through my closet when Charlie arrived.
“If you guys aren’t doing anything, why don’t you come out with Rob and me,” she offered.
“Thanks,” he answered, “but I have a special night planned,” he looked at me with his bedroom eyes and sly smile.
“Ooh. Sounds like fun,” she wiggled her eyebrows up and down. “Just remember what I said.”
“About?” Charlie asked.
She pulled a thin black scarf out of the closet. Deciding against it she attempted to put it back, but not before Charlie snagged it from her and stuffed it in
I had mixed emotions. Part of me wanted to wait until I was with my one true love. But on the other hand, unfamiliar longings boiled inside me, getting stronger by the day and I grew ever more curious. Until this point I hadn’t had the same interest in sex as my peers. Something I myself had a hard time understanding. I attributed it to two things.
First, whenever the prospect of having sex crossed my mind, I thought of all the people I’d lost, looking down on me from Heaven. I could hear my father calling my grandparents’ attention to what I was doing.
“Does everyone have a good view?” he’d shout out, and my grandmother would follow this up with gasps of horror, tisks, and “Where did she go wrong?” I pictured the look of disapproval on my father’s face as he shook his head in disappointment. Immediately any surfacing desires were squashed.
Second, I wasn’t emotionally connected to the guys I’d dated. Most of them were jerks. I didn’t think the possibility existed that I could ever grow to love any of them. Except Charlie. If I gave him enough time, I could love him.
I looked away avoiding Maria’s eyes and shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Look, I know you don’t want to hear this, but you have to forget Jordan.”
Jordan.
I had trouble swallowing. The sound of his name heightened every one of my senses. My heart leapt at the mere mention of him, and then fell back in place with the same ache I felt since the day I met him. Pathetic.
I shook her off, “This isn’t about him.”
“Like hell it isn’t.” She looked at me the way she did when she knew I lied. “It’s always about him.”
“Okay, it is, but not the way you think.”
“And what do I think?”
I rolled my eyes, annoyed we were having this conversation. “I want to want to make love to the person I’m with my first time.”
“What if it never happens with Jordan? What if you two are never more than good friends? Are you never going to have sex or get married?” she had the nerve to ask.
I shook my head, and answered very seriously, “No. I’ll join a convent.” She didn’t see the humor in that. I thought it was darn funny. “Look Maria, I want my first time to be special.”
“Yeah, but . . . ”
“I shouldn’t be fantasizing about Jordan when I’m with Charlie or else I’m not ready for that kind of relationship.”
“I just don’t want you to watch your life pass you by waiting for him to come to his senses.”
“I’m not,” I lied.
“Good,” she paused. “Because I’m not sure he ever will.”
Ouch.
“I ran into Madison while I was looking for shoes today.”
Madison. Maria sure knew how to rub salt in a wound. This name gave me angst, like a knife twisting deep in my heart. She was Jordan’s, over-a-year-and-a-half-long girlfriend. Just the mention of her name made me want to vomit.
“And?” I snapped.
“She was window shopping,” Maria hesitated, “for an engagement ring.”
I bit my bottom lip, no reason to panic. “Was Jordan with her?”
Maria shook her head, but I could see the argument forming in her eyes.
“Like you said, she was window shopping, no big deal.”
She sighed, “Stephanie.”
“He won’t marry her.” I said with absolute certainty. I saw her shake her head, just a small subtle movement. “Trust me. He won’t.”
Maria stood sorting through my closet when Charlie arrived.
“If you guys aren’t doing anything, why don’t you come out with Rob and me,” she offered.
“Thanks,” he answered, “but I have a special night planned,” he looked at me with his bedroom eyes and sly smile.
“Ooh. Sounds like fun,” she wiggled her eyebrows up and down. “Just remember what I said.”
“About?” Charlie asked.
She pulled a thin black scarf out of the closet. Deciding against it she attempted to put it back, but not before Charlie snagged it from her and stuffed it in
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