accept it.” He sighs. I feel like an irritation. “I don’t know what other way I can say this to you to make you understand.”
Does this guy have no heart at all?
I feel all consumed by my grief again. I’m so close to the edge. I could scream.
So I do.
I scream until my head throbs and my throat feels sore. And when I’m done, I open my eyes and see Nathan just looking blankly across at me.
And now I feel even worse, not better.
“ What if I don’t want to accept my situation?” I cry at him. “Then what?” My head is buzzing around like there’s a swarm of bees inside.
He shuts his eyes briefly in silent apology and I can’t bear to look at him for a second longer.
I grab the page of the newspaper featuring the picture of Carrie up from the floor and, clasping it to my chest, I turn and stalk out the barn.
“ Where are you going?” Nathan’s deep voice is at my side within a matter of seconds.
I stop and spin around to face him. My heart is pummelling my rib cage.
I push my hair angrily off my face and scowl up at him. “I’m going back to your house, Nathan. You don’t have to worry, I’m not going to try and leave. I mean, it’s not like I have anywhere to go.” I can feel my bottom lip starting to quiver. “I know I’m stuck here and I know you hate that thought as much I do … ” My voice breaks, betraying me. I bite down hard on my bottom lip.
Nathan frowns down at me. His light eyes look almost black in the darkness. “Alex, you’re not a prisoner here, but it’s also not possible for you to leave at the moment. You already know this.” He exhales, raking his fingers through his hair. “And it’s not that I don’t want you here, it’s just …”
“ I don’t want to hear it!” I cut him off with a wave of my hand, blinking back my pathetic tears. “Really, I’ve heard and seen enough crap today to last me a lifetime. No more! I don’t want any more.” My loud voice echoes around nature’s silence.
“ What do you want?” His question catches me off-guard. He takes a step toward me, towering over me, the toes of his boots nearly flush with my trainers, leaving a veil of air between us.
I feel off-balance. I dig my feet into the ground to steady myself and look up at him. “What?” My voice comes out sounding weaker than I intended.
“ Just what is it that will make all of this better for you?” His voice sounds dry and intense, and he’s wearing an unfathomable expression on his face.
My heart has set a battering ram against my chest. I’m sure it’s about to crack through a rib any second now.
I take a shaky step backwards. “Nothing,” I say affected. “Nothing will ever make any of this better. Just leave me alone!” I shove him away from me, hard in the chest, and then I’m turning on my heel and running toward the house, leaving Nathan behind.
And this time he doesn’t follow me.
Chapter 10
Hope
I’ve lost everything. Everything. My humanity. My life. My best friend.
Every day is like a hangover, worse than the one before. I’ve been in this house for a week and that week has felt like a year. I sleep sporadically and the little sleep I do have is plagued by nightmares because all I think about, every single second, of every single day is of what I’ve lost ... what I’ve become ... that night ... Carrie.
Her death is like a noose around my neck, tightening with each passing moment, sometimes spurred on by a memory, sometimes by a flashback.
I don’t know how to get out of this perpetual state of melancholy or if I even want to. Maybe my guilt and grief will eventually just come and consume me whole. Or maybe it won’t. Maybe this is just how it’s meant to be for me from now on. A lifetime of punishment for what I’ve done.
For every breath that Carrie has lost, I’m to feel each agonising minute of this misery as if it’s brand new.
I can’t bring myself to eat and I only drink blood because Nathan
Does this guy have no heart at all?
I feel all consumed by my grief again. I’m so close to the edge. I could scream.
So I do.
I scream until my head throbs and my throat feels sore. And when I’m done, I open my eyes and see Nathan just looking blankly across at me.
And now I feel even worse, not better.
“ What if I don’t want to accept my situation?” I cry at him. “Then what?” My head is buzzing around like there’s a swarm of bees inside.
He shuts his eyes briefly in silent apology and I can’t bear to look at him for a second longer.
I grab the page of the newspaper featuring the picture of Carrie up from the floor and, clasping it to my chest, I turn and stalk out the barn.
“ Where are you going?” Nathan’s deep voice is at my side within a matter of seconds.
I stop and spin around to face him. My heart is pummelling my rib cage.
I push my hair angrily off my face and scowl up at him. “I’m going back to your house, Nathan. You don’t have to worry, I’m not going to try and leave. I mean, it’s not like I have anywhere to go.” I can feel my bottom lip starting to quiver. “I know I’m stuck here and I know you hate that thought as much I do … ” My voice breaks, betraying me. I bite down hard on my bottom lip.
Nathan frowns down at me. His light eyes look almost black in the darkness. “Alex, you’re not a prisoner here, but it’s also not possible for you to leave at the moment. You already know this.” He exhales, raking his fingers through his hair. “And it’s not that I don’t want you here, it’s just …”
“ I don’t want to hear it!” I cut him off with a wave of my hand, blinking back my pathetic tears. “Really, I’ve heard and seen enough crap today to last me a lifetime. No more! I don’t want any more.” My loud voice echoes around nature’s silence.
“ What do you want?” His question catches me off-guard. He takes a step toward me, towering over me, the toes of his boots nearly flush with my trainers, leaving a veil of air between us.
I feel off-balance. I dig my feet into the ground to steady myself and look up at him. “What?” My voice comes out sounding weaker than I intended.
“ Just what is it that will make all of this better for you?” His voice sounds dry and intense, and he’s wearing an unfathomable expression on his face.
My heart has set a battering ram against my chest. I’m sure it’s about to crack through a rib any second now.
I take a shaky step backwards. “Nothing,” I say affected. “Nothing will ever make any of this better. Just leave me alone!” I shove him away from me, hard in the chest, and then I’m turning on my heel and running toward the house, leaving Nathan behind.
And this time he doesn’t follow me.
Chapter 10
Hope
I’ve lost everything. Everything. My humanity. My life. My best friend.
Every day is like a hangover, worse than the one before. I’ve been in this house for a week and that week has felt like a year. I sleep sporadically and the little sleep I do have is plagued by nightmares because all I think about, every single second, of every single day is of what I’ve lost ... what I’ve become ... that night ... Carrie.
Her death is like a noose around my neck, tightening with each passing moment, sometimes spurred on by a memory, sometimes by a flashback.
I don’t know how to get out of this perpetual state of melancholy or if I even want to. Maybe my guilt and grief will eventually just come and consume me whole. Or maybe it won’t. Maybe this is just how it’s meant to be for me from now on. A lifetime of punishment for what I’ve done.
For every breath that Carrie has lost, I’m to feel each agonising minute of this misery as if it’s brand new.
I can’t bring myself to eat and I only drink blood because Nathan
Similar Books
