Firewalker by Josephine Angelini Page B

coming out clipped and harsh.
    â€œYes, I am,” she admitted. “Aren’t I allowed to keep a few things to myself?”
    â€œNot this.” His dark eyes narrowed until they looked completely black. “I killed Gideon for imprisoning you in the oubliette. Now I need to know why I’m going to kill my brother. I need to know what Carrick did to you down there.”
    Lily held her breath, her mind racing. If she gave him this, he’d never suspect what she was really hiding. She couldn’t believe she was willing to relive even one second of her torture in Purgatory Chasm in order to protect Lillian, but given the choice, she knew what her answer had to be.
    â€œOnly a little?” she whispered. “I don’t think I can take any more than that.”
    Rowan nodded and stepped closer to her, his face softening.
    Show me, Lily.
    â€¦ The cold and dark go on forever. I shiver so spasmodically that my body aches. I think I must have been sleeping a moment ago, but something woke me. I sit up—panic giving me strength. It was the rope. The rope creaked. He’s coming . I know it’s Carrick. Gideon always announces himself, like I’m looking forward to seeing him or something. But Carrick sneaks down, like he knows what he’s doing is wrong. I call out to him. He doesn’t answer, but I know he’s there. I start to bargain with him. I offer him things. Silly things. Important things. Anything. He ignores me. My words, my body, my promises mean nothing to him. All he wants is to hold my power in his hands. I’m crying, but I’m so dehydrated no tears fall. Just racking sobs that hurt more than proper crying would. Please, not that. Please. Don’t touch my three little hearts. He hears me, I know he hears me because I’m screaming now. He picks up my willstones anyway. I hit the bars of my cell with my fists. I wail and shriek. I beg. God help me, I beg. The searing pain will end eventually, but the violation never will. Never. I hate you. I hate you. I hate me …
    â€œStop,” Rowan whispered.
    â€œHad enough?” Lily said cruelly, wiping at her streaming eyes. She wanted to punish him for making her go through that again, even though a tiny voice in the back of her head kept saying she deserved it. She felt disgusted, but not with Carrick. With herself. Lily pushed Rowan away from her, shoving hard against his chest.
    â€œIt’s okay, Lily,” Rowan said, capturing her wrists in his hands and drawing her against him. “It’s not your fault.”
    Lily shook her head. “I don’t believe that. Isn’t that crazy?” She laughed, although it was anything but funny. “That’s the worst part. I feel like it’s my fault it happened to me. Like I should have fought harder. Or I should have killed myself.”
    â€œDon’t say that,” he said harshly. Rowan studied Lily for a long time. “Do you know what it means to be a survivor? It means that not only do you have to live through things, you have to live with them as well. The second part is much harder and sometimes it takes the rest of your life to learn how to do it. But at least you have the rest of your life, Lily. And that’s what’s important to me.”
    â€œOh, I’m alive,” she said ruefully. “Even if I am damaged.”
    â€œYou’ll heal,” Rowan replied confidently.
    â€œWhat if I don’t?” Lily asked, genuinely afraid that she would never be the same again. “What if I stay a little bit broken forever?”
    â€œYou might,” he said, lifting one shoulder like there was nothing anyone could do about it. “But I’d rather have you alive than perfect. If anyone says differently, then they don’t really love you.”
    â€œAnd you do?” she asked, not sure why he would love her anymore.
    Rowan answered by opening up one of his memories to her.
    â€¦