dedicated to helping others, moral in my own way.
Kiera was right – I should be proud, not sorry. On those days I was
sure it was the physical symptoms, not the pregnancy itself I was
regretting.
For all those weeks the real world didn’t
exist at all. I didn’t read the newspaper or watch the news on TV
like Kiera and Phoebe did. The only thing I was aware of outside of
Malagash and being pregnant was Nick’s frequent phone calls. Not
that I talked to him much. I didn’t feel up to discussing my
pregnancy. I felt so sick that if he hassled me I’d just tell him
to forget the whole thing. And then I wouldn’t get my money.
One night when he called Nick sounded drunk.
“What’s his problem?” I asked Kiera. “He was on about leverage or
something?”
She raised her eyebrows in mock horror.
“Remember that market crash last August? He got burned.”
“What do you mean?”
“He lost a bundle on margin calls.”
“God, I hope he’s still got my fifty
thousand,” I said. “Because if he doesn’t, I’m getting out of this
right now. It’s not too late.” We were sitting in the living room,
the first time I’d been downstairs in days. I felt shaky and
weak.
“I wouldn’t worry,” Kiera said. “Nick’s got
tons of other investments. He diversifies.”
“Even so, maybe I don’t want to go through
with this. I feel awful.”
Kiera came over and massaged my shoulders.
“Hey, this stage is going to pass, everybody says it does. You’ll
soon be through it.” She kneaded my aching back. “See what a great
labor coach I’m going to be?”
“Oh yeah,” I said. “But we haven’t told Nick
that yet. What’s he going to say?”
Kiera hooted with laughter. “You don’t think
Nick wants anything to do with the actual birth, do you?”
I stretched my arms high above my head and
yawned. “Well, I thought he might want to be there. I mean, most
fathers do, these days.”
“Nick isn’t most fathers,” Kiera said. She
knelt and began to rub my feet. “I’m sure you know he didn’t
exactly have a great role model.”
“Yeah, his father was a real bastard. But all
the more reason for Nick to do things differently.”
Kiera let go of my feet and stood up. “We can
hope so,” she said, adjusting a cozy hand-woven throw around my
shoulders. “There. Feel better now?”
“Mhmm,” I said. “Thanks.” I tucked my feet up
under me and snuggled into the wing chair. Phoebe had made a fire
and lit the antique oil lamps. The golden light calmed me, as
Kiera’s touch had comforted me. Maybe I could manage this pregnancy
thing after all. But a couple of questions kept bothering me.
Though I’d promised myself I wouldn’t ask, in that coddled moment,
I couldn’t resist. “Kiera,” I said, “I know it’s not really any of
my business, but when this baby’s born, where will you all
live?”
She busied herself straightening the pot of
russet chrysanthemums on the coffee table. “Mostly here,” she
finally said.
“And Nick?”
“Mostly Toronto.”
The smell of the chrysanthemums was giving me
a throw-up kind of feeling. “And the baby?”
“With me,” she said. “I don’t want to raise
my child in the city. But you know what? Let’s not get into this
right now. The first thing is for you to have the baby. The details
will work themselves out, I’m sure. Don’t forget Nick can come down
most weekends.”
“Does Nick know this?”
Kiera fussed with the flowers some more.
“Look,” she said, “I don’t want to sound crass, but like you said,
it’s not really your concern. The baby will be well loved and
looked after.”
She was right of course. I mustn’t let myself
start caring what happened after the birth. I had to focus on my
reason for doing this: the money to buy the lodge to start my
camp.
* * *
Kiera and Phoebe were busy every day in the
spare back bedroom they used for sewing, cutting and piecing the
wedding quilt. I usually stayed in my own room,
Kiera was right – I should be proud, not sorry. On those days I was
sure it was the physical symptoms, not the pregnancy itself I was
regretting.
For all those weeks the real world didn’t
exist at all. I didn’t read the newspaper or watch the news on TV
like Kiera and Phoebe did. The only thing I was aware of outside of
Malagash and being pregnant was Nick’s frequent phone calls. Not
that I talked to him much. I didn’t feel up to discussing my
pregnancy. I felt so sick that if he hassled me I’d just tell him
to forget the whole thing. And then I wouldn’t get my money.
One night when he called Nick sounded drunk.
“What’s his problem?” I asked Kiera. “He was on about leverage or
something?”
She raised her eyebrows in mock horror.
“Remember that market crash last August? He got burned.”
“What do you mean?”
“He lost a bundle on margin calls.”
“God, I hope he’s still got my fifty
thousand,” I said. “Because if he doesn’t, I’m getting out of this
right now. It’s not too late.” We were sitting in the living room,
the first time I’d been downstairs in days. I felt shaky and
weak.
“I wouldn’t worry,” Kiera said. “Nick’s got
tons of other investments. He diversifies.”
“Even so, maybe I don’t want to go through
with this. I feel awful.”
Kiera came over and massaged my shoulders.
“Hey, this stage is going to pass, everybody says it does. You’ll
soon be through it.” She kneaded my aching back. “See what a great
labor coach I’m going to be?”
“Oh yeah,” I said. “But we haven’t told Nick
that yet. What’s he going to say?”
Kiera hooted with laughter. “You don’t think
Nick wants anything to do with the actual birth, do you?”
I stretched my arms high above my head and
yawned. “Well, I thought he might want to be there. I mean, most
fathers do, these days.”
“Nick isn’t most fathers,” Kiera said. She
knelt and began to rub my feet. “I’m sure you know he didn’t
exactly have a great role model.”
“Yeah, his father was a real bastard. But all
the more reason for Nick to do things differently.”
Kiera let go of my feet and stood up. “We can
hope so,” she said, adjusting a cozy hand-woven throw around my
shoulders. “There. Feel better now?”
“Mhmm,” I said. “Thanks.” I tucked my feet up
under me and snuggled into the wing chair. Phoebe had made a fire
and lit the antique oil lamps. The golden light calmed me, as
Kiera’s touch had comforted me. Maybe I could manage this pregnancy
thing after all. But a couple of questions kept bothering me.
Though I’d promised myself I wouldn’t ask, in that coddled moment,
I couldn’t resist. “Kiera,” I said, “I know it’s not really any of
my business, but when this baby’s born, where will you all
live?”
She busied herself straightening the pot of
russet chrysanthemums on the coffee table. “Mostly here,” she
finally said.
“And Nick?”
“Mostly Toronto.”
The smell of the chrysanthemums was giving me
a throw-up kind of feeling. “And the baby?”
“With me,” she said. “I don’t want to raise
my child in the city. But you know what? Let’s not get into this
right now. The first thing is for you to have the baby. The details
will work themselves out, I’m sure. Don’t forget Nick can come down
most weekends.”
“Does Nick know this?”
Kiera fussed with the flowers some more.
“Look,” she said, “I don’t want to sound crass, but like you said,
it’s not really your concern. The baby will be well loved and
looked after.”
She was right of course. I mustn’t let myself
start caring what happened after the birth. I had to focus on my
reason for doing this: the money to buy the lodge to start my
camp.
* * *
Kiera and Phoebe were busy every day in the
spare back bedroom they used for sewing, cutting and piecing the
wedding quilt. I usually stayed in my own room,
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