a third roommate to help with rent and Arthur Cobb was our man. Arthur was a nursing major, who was smart, tidy, and just an overall cool dude.
Happy hour started at five, and I was already on my third drink and my second appetizer by the time Arthur entered.
“ Hey big boy,” I said jokingly when Arthur came within earshot. “Why don’t you come cuddle up next to me?”
“ I see Princess Sophia’s been pounding the drinks, and how’s the Jewish accountant doing?” Arthur said looking over at Scott, as he joined us at our table.
“ He’s the accountant you dick,” Scott said, taking a sip from his second beer. “And how do you come up with these retarded nicknames?”
“ I’m a finance major, not an accountant,” I corrected them. “Accountants are pathetic losers!”
“ Wayne is Princess Sophia because he’s drinking lemon drops like some sort of sorority girl bitch, and you’re a Jew because your afro or jewfro I should say, looks like the hair on my testicles. Also, did I mention you’re an extremely cheap fuck.”
“ Who says I’m cheap?”
“ Likely the waitress when she sees the pathetic tip you’re going to give her,” I said in between bites of my bratwurst.
“ Our waitress is kinda cute man, she might deserve something special,” said Scott.
“ Oh, so like a two dollar tip then?”
“ No, like two in the pink and one in the stink.”
“ Can we not talk about the shocker please? I have sausage in my mouth.”
“ That’s what she said!”
Uproarious laughter continued for several minutes before Arthur settled down, finally beginning his story about Harvey Cho.
“ Speaking of unwanted sexual experiences, you guys remember my old roommate, Harvey?” Arthur asked.
“ Yeah,” we both replied.
Harvey and Arthur lived two doors down from Dewey and me freshman year. Honestly, I did not understand the roommate selection process at St. Elizabeth. I should have gotten Arthur not a drama major still trying to discover his sexuality, and Arthur did not deserve to room with a porn fanatic who filmed himself having sex with the various girls he brought back to the room, most times without their consent. This creepy little biology major did most of his thinking with his little head rather than his big one and until this incident his horny behavior had never been scrutinized.
“ As I was leaving Franz Hall to go meet Rachel for lunch, I ran into Harvey and he told me this unbelievably story.”
“ Did he tell you about how he hooked up with another Asian chick?” Scott asked.
“ In a way, yes, but that’s not the whole story. He essentially got away with rape.”
“ No way!” I stammered.
“ I bet he was fucking proud of himself too, like he was the Asian Kobe Bryant,” Scott said.
“ Yeah, the cocky little bitch was sure proud of himself,” Arthur answered.
“ So dish,” I said. “I want to hear this juicy gossip.”
“ I’m getting there. Hold your horses, princess,” Arthur said, taking a sip from his whiskey sour that had now arrived.
“ Harvey found this freshman girl living in Andrews Hall. He was visiting his friend, Donna, who’s the RA on the first floor.”
“ Is that the same Donna he banged freshman year?” Scott asked.
“ The same. Anyways, this freshman girl lived in Donna’s wing, and when Harvey was scouting the floor looking for prospects he happened to notice this girl lived in the same town as he did.”
“ The creep was looking at the girls’ nametags on their doors and actually found one who lived in Santa Cruz?”
“ Not a bad plan, maybe you should try that, Wayne.” Scott said.
“ Oh yeah, like I’d walk into a girl’s room and say ‘We live in the same city so let’s go grab a frappuccino while we discuss what suitable names we’d like our children to have,’” I said.
“ Girls think
Happy hour started at five, and I was already on my third drink and my second appetizer by the time Arthur entered.
“ Hey big boy,” I said jokingly when Arthur came within earshot. “Why don’t you come cuddle up next to me?”
“ I see Princess Sophia’s been pounding the drinks, and how’s the Jewish accountant doing?” Arthur said looking over at Scott, as he joined us at our table.
“ He’s the accountant you dick,” Scott said, taking a sip from his second beer. “And how do you come up with these retarded nicknames?”
“ I’m a finance major, not an accountant,” I corrected them. “Accountants are pathetic losers!”
“ Wayne is Princess Sophia because he’s drinking lemon drops like some sort of sorority girl bitch, and you’re a Jew because your afro or jewfro I should say, looks like the hair on my testicles. Also, did I mention you’re an extremely cheap fuck.”
“ Who says I’m cheap?”
“ Likely the waitress when she sees the pathetic tip you’re going to give her,” I said in between bites of my bratwurst.
“ Our waitress is kinda cute man, she might deserve something special,” said Scott.
“ Oh, so like a two dollar tip then?”
“ No, like two in the pink and one in the stink.”
“ Can we not talk about the shocker please? I have sausage in my mouth.”
“ That’s what she said!”
Uproarious laughter continued for several minutes before Arthur settled down, finally beginning his story about Harvey Cho.
“ Speaking of unwanted sexual experiences, you guys remember my old roommate, Harvey?” Arthur asked.
“ Yeah,” we both replied.
Harvey and Arthur lived two doors down from Dewey and me freshman year. Honestly, I did not understand the roommate selection process at St. Elizabeth. I should have gotten Arthur not a drama major still trying to discover his sexuality, and Arthur did not deserve to room with a porn fanatic who filmed himself having sex with the various girls he brought back to the room, most times without their consent. This creepy little biology major did most of his thinking with his little head rather than his big one and until this incident his horny behavior had never been scrutinized.
“ As I was leaving Franz Hall to go meet Rachel for lunch, I ran into Harvey and he told me this unbelievably story.”
“ Did he tell you about how he hooked up with another Asian chick?” Scott asked.
“ In a way, yes, but that’s not the whole story. He essentially got away with rape.”
“ No way!” I stammered.
“ I bet he was fucking proud of himself too, like he was the Asian Kobe Bryant,” Scott said.
“ Yeah, the cocky little bitch was sure proud of himself,” Arthur answered.
“ So dish,” I said. “I want to hear this juicy gossip.”
“ I’m getting there. Hold your horses, princess,” Arthur said, taking a sip from his whiskey sour that had now arrived.
“ Harvey found this freshman girl living in Andrews Hall. He was visiting his friend, Donna, who’s the RA on the first floor.”
“ Is that the same Donna he banged freshman year?” Scott asked.
“ The same. Anyways, this freshman girl lived in Donna’s wing, and when Harvey was scouting the floor looking for prospects he happened to notice this girl lived in the same town as he did.”
“ The creep was looking at the girls’ nametags on their doors and actually found one who lived in Santa Cruz?”
“ Not a bad plan, maybe you should try that, Wayne.” Scott said.
“ Oh yeah, like I’d walk into a girl’s room and say ‘We live in the same city so let’s go grab a frappuccino while we discuss what suitable names we’d like our children to have,’” I said.
“ Girls think
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