give Spielberg a call.” He turns and whispers in my ear. “Pray tell me, how long do we have to babysit this baboon?”
“Two weeks, Karl. Two long fucking weeks.”
Raj wakes up with a jolt. Confused and intoxicated, he grabs the phone from Tyler. “Is that a carrot?”
And then she slides down the bar, landing in a crumpled heap on the floor.
Thud.
Tyler grunts. “Is he for fucking real?”
Yep. Meet Raj Kapoor—probably the only guy in Manhattan naïve enough to mistake a dildo for a carrot. Parker scoops him from the ground and hoists him fireman-style over his shoulder. “Let’s get Cinderella home.”
Tyler busts a now-or-never move on Delphine and her friend, gesturing for me to join them. The party may be over for Raj, but for some of us it’s only just getting started.
***
It’s the morning after the night before.
“Uh, yeah … uh, yeah, uh, uh.”
Thud.
“Uh … uh … uh.”
Thud.
I’m back at my apartment, but I’m not alone. The orchestra of grunts coming from my bedroom has nothing to do with me.
I’m innocent.
Jockass thought it would be bad PR for him to be seen hooking up with a bartender, so he asked if he could bring Delphine back to my crib to fuck her senseless.
Before you beat me up for being a sexist asshole—those were his words, not mine. As I’m under strict instructions from Juliana to acquiesce to anything this jerk wants, I had no choice but to agree to his demand.
I feel like an extra on a goddamn porn flick.
“Stick it in there … fuck yeah … three, two, one, touchdown!”
I lay back and smile to myself.
Did you hear that? Jockass is a two-pump chump. He completely skipped the pre-match warm-up and went straight for the end zone. If Delphine had been lucky enough to hook me, you can bet your bottom dollar she’d still be bucking like a bronco right now.
“Touchdown!”
“Shhhh, Petie.”
I turn onto my side and pull a cushion over my head to try and block his wailing. I need some goddamn sleep. Not just because of Jockass, but every time I close my eyes, my mind races with dirty thoughts about Ella. I stare longingly at my kitchen countertop. I’m going frigging insane here.
I grab my cell.
Still nothing.
Now there’s a pounding at my door.
I groan and check my watch. It’s six-thirty in the morning.
“Okay, okay, I’m coming!” Yawning, I stomp over to the door and unchain the lock. When I open the door, I take a step back.
Look who’s here.
It’s Ella Bryant, harbinger of erections.
See, what did I tell you? I knew she’d be back.
I’d go straight in for the kill—her neck looks very tempting right now, but she’s scowling like she’s pre-menstrual. I casually brace an arm against the doorframe and flash one of my trademark smiles.
Her eyes rake over my disheveled appearance. The scruffy hair. The stubble. The raging boner that’s blossoming underneath my tighty-whities.
I yawn sleepily and rub my eyes. “Well, hello, Miss Bryant. You’re just in time for breakfast. I know a great place—”
“I’m here for Tyler.”
What the hell?
Her words hit me harder than a kick in the balls from a sensei. I’d respond, but I’ve been rendered temporarily speechless. I bet you didn’t think that was possible, did you?
She’s here for Tyler.
My Ella.
Except that she isn’t my Ella.
Ella is with Tyler?
It’s Tyler and Ella.
Ella and Tyler.
Holy shit.
They can’t be together. My beautiful Goddess and Jockass are knocking boots? My stomach twists in disbelief. I stand in the doorway, gaping like a zombie from Night of the Living Dead .
When I eventually speak, all I can say is. “Right.”
Pathetic, I know, but it’s all I’ve got.
Her voice is quiet when she explains. “He called me. He said he needed me to collect him.” She pauses for a second and looks at me blankly. “How do you two know—?”
We’re interrupted by a booming voice. “Babe, so glad you could come.” Tyler skirts past me and
“Two weeks, Karl. Two long fucking weeks.”
Raj wakes up with a jolt. Confused and intoxicated, he grabs the phone from Tyler. “Is that a carrot?”
And then she slides down the bar, landing in a crumpled heap on the floor.
Thud.
Tyler grunts. “Is he for fucking real?”
Yep. Meet Raj Kapoor—probably the only guy in Manhattan naïve enough to mistake a dildo for a carrot. Parker scoops him from the ground and hoists him fireman-style over his shoulder. “Let’s get Cinderella home.”
Tyler busts a now-or-never move on Delphine and her friend, gesturing for me to join them. The party may be over for Raj, but for some of us it’s only just getting started.
***
It’s the morning after the night before.
“Uh, yeah … uh, yeah, uh, uh.”
Thud.
“Uh … uh … uh.”
Thud.
I’m back at my apartment, but I’m not alone. The orchestra of grunts coming from my bedroom has nothing to do with me.
I’m innocent.
Jockass thought it would be bad PR for him to be seen hooking up with a bartender, so he asked if he could bring Delphine back to my crib to fuck her senseless.
Before you beat me up for being a sexist asshole—those were his words, not mine. As I’m under strict instructions from Juliana to acquiesce to anything this jerk wants, I had no choice but to agree to his demand.
I feel like an extra on a goddamn porn flick.
“Stick it in there … fuck yeah … three, two, one, touchdown!”
I lay back and smile to myself.
Did you hear that? Jockass is a two-pump chump. He completely skipped the pre-match warm-up and went straight for the end zone. If Delphine had been lucky enough to hook me, you can bet your bottom dollar she’d still be bucking like a bronco right now.
“Touchdown!”
“Shhhh, Petie.”
I turn onto my side and pull a cushion over my head to try and block his wailing. I need some goddamn sleep. Not just because of Jockass, but every time I close my eyes, my mind races with dirty thoughts about Ella. I stare longingly at my kitchen countertop. I’m going frigging insane here.
I grab my cell.
Still nothing.
Now there’s a pounding at my door.
I groan and check my watch. It’s six-thirty in the morning.
“Okay, okay, I’m coming!” Yawning, I stomp over to the door and unchain the lock. When I open the door, I take a step back.
Look who’s here.
It’s Ella Bryant, harbinger of erections.
See, what did I tell you? I knew she’d be back.
I’d go straight in for the kill—her neck looks very tempting right now, but she’s scowling like she’s pre-menstrual. I casually brace an arm against the doorframe and flash one of my trademark smiles.
Her eyes rake over my disheveled appearance. The scruffy hair. The stubble. The raging boner that’s blossoming underneath my tighty-whities.
I yawn sleepily and rub my eyes. “Well, hello, Miss Bryant. You’re just in time for breakfast. I know a great place—”
“I’m here for Tyler.”
What the hell?
Her words hit me harder than a kick in the balls from a sensei. I’d respond, but I’ve been rendered temporarily speechless. I bet you didn’t think that was possible, did you?
She’s here for Tyler.
My Ella.
Except that she isn’t my Ella.
Ella is with Tyler?
It’s Tyler and Ella.
Ella and Tyler.
Holy shit.
They can’t be together. My beautiful Goddess and Jockass are knocking boots? My stomach twists in disbelief. I stand in the doorway, gaping like a zombie from Night of the Living Dead .
When I eventually speak, all I can say is. “Right.”
Pathetic, I know, but it’s all I’ve got.
Her voice is quiet when she explains. “He called me. He said he needed me to collect him.” She pauses for a second and looks at me blankly. “How do you two know—?”
We’re interrupted by a booming voice. “Babe, so glad you could come.” Tyler skirts past me and
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