would probably help my reputation. I guess Carson thought I needed to rough up the Backstreet Boys’ image and be more of a bad ass. I’m pretty sure Carson had me on to help his ratings, but on some level, I thought maybe he was right and something positive could potentially come of this mistake. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn from it. I just kept compounding my problems by continuing the same unacceptable behavior and messing up. No internal alarms went off for me, despite what the other guys in Backstreet said. I rolled on, repeating the same self-destructive pattern for quite a while longer.
The previous summer A.J. McLean had entered rehab. But A.J. did something that I refused to do. He acknowledged his mistakes and began correcting them. Now, he’s human and he’s slipped up a few times, returning to rehab again in 2002 and more recently in 2011. My heart goes out to him. I have nothing but admiration and empathy for his efforts to face his demons. A.J. and I have discussed our shared battles many times. He has helped me more than he will ever know. I’m incredibly grateful to him.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
After the incident in Tampa, I could tell that my BSB family felt I’d let them down and that I was hurting our relationship. As the “baby” in BSB, I never wanted to disappoint or harm our group in any way. But my responsibility to the others was something I couldn’t seem to handle for the longest time. Even though I loved my “job” and my bandmates, I kept messing up. I was self-sabotaging, in part because I didn’t feel like I deserved the fans’ respect and affection. They loved me, but I didn’t much love myself at that point.
Some of it was just the typical rebelliousness most young guys with a lot of energy and a false sense of immortality experience. This was around the time I asserted my independence as a member of BSB by opting to stay with The Firm management group after the other members left that agency. I also decided to make a solo album, which turned out to be Now Or Never . The other guys weren’t happy with those decisions, but I was angry at the world. I had it in my head that music was the way to vent that anger.
THEY LOVED ME, BUT I DIDN’T MUCH LOVE MYSELF AT THAT POINT.
I really wasn’t concerned about the repercussions of my actions or the feelings they’d stir in others. I was very selfish. I actually felt resentful toward Backstreet because I’d spent so much time and energy on my career, I believed I was missing out on other things. I didn’t appreciate all that being in the group had done for me. I was more focused on what I thought I’d lost.
I wanted to write songs about my feelings and use the solo tour as an outlet for them. I went on the road and did just that, screaming at the top of my lungs as I sang track after track from my album. I don’t know how the audience felt, but it was very therapeutic for me. The first single released was “Help Me” and though I didn’t write it, the chorus reflected my state of mind:
Help me
Figure out the difference
Between right and wrong
Weak and strong
Day and night
Where I belong and
Help me
Make the right decisions
Know which way to turn
Lessons to learn
And just what my purpose is here
The songs on my Now Or Never solo album truly helped me to get over those feelings of resentment and anger. It was like writing a diary and then reading it to thousands of people. I wanted everyone to know what I was going through. I wanted them to hear my pain. It was the only way I knew how to fully express myself. It was sad, really. I was this overweight, unhealthy solo artist who was sweating profusely and wearing clothes on stage that I could barely fit into. It was heart-wrenching. I almost ruined my relationship with BSB over it. I was so mentally unhealthy at the time I wouldn’t let family members come around me.
I WANTED THEM TO HEAR MY PAIN .
Then again, if I hadn’t done the solo album and expressed those
The previous summer A.J. McLean had entered rehab. But A.J. did something that I refused to do. He acknowledged his mistakes and began correcting them. Now, he’s human and he’s slipped up a few times, returning to rehab again in 2002 and more recently in 2011. My heart goes out to him. I have nothing but admiration and empathy for his efforts to face his demons. A.J. and I have discussed our shared battles many times. He has helped me more than he will ever know. I’m incredibly grateful to him.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
After the incident in Tampa, I could tell that my BSB family felt I’d let them down and that I was hurting our relationship. As the “baby” in BSB, I never wanted to disappoint or harm our group in any way. But my responsibility to the others was something I couldn’t seem to handle for the longest time. Even though I loved my “job” and my bandmates, I kept messing up. I was self-sabotaging, in part because I didn’t feel like I deserved the fans’ respect and affection. They loved me, but I didn’t much love myself at that point.
Some of it was just the typical rebelliousness most young guys with a lot of energy and a false sense of immortality experience. This was around the time I asserted my independence as a member of BSB by opting to stay with The Firm management group after the other members left that agency. I also decided to make a solo album, which turned out to be Now Or Never . The other guys weren’t happy with those decisions, but I was angry at the world. I had it in my head that music was the way to vent that anger.
THEY LOVED ME, BUT I DIDN’T MUCH LOVE MYSELF AT THAT POINT.
I really wasn’t concerned about the repercussions of my actions or the feelings they’d stir in others. I was very selfish. I actually felt resentful toward Backstreet because I’d spent so much time and energy on my career, I believed I was missing out on other things. I didn’t appreciate all that being in the group had done for me. I was more focused on what I thought I’d lost.
I wanted to write songs about my feelings and use the solo tour as an outlet for them. I went on the road and did just that, screaming at the top of my lungs as I sang track after track from my album. I don’t know how the audience felt, but it was very therapeutic for me. The first single released was “Help Me” and though I didn’t write it, the chorus reflected my state of mind:
Help me
Figure out the difference
Between right and wrong
Weak and strong
Day and night
Where I belong and
Help me
Make the right decisions
Know which way to turn
Lessons to learn
And just what my purpose is here
The songs on my Now Or Never solo album truly helped me to get over those feelings of resentment and anger. It was like writing a diary and then reading it to thousands of people. I wanted everyone to know what I was going through. I wanted them to hear my pain. It was the only way I knew how to fully express myself. It was sad, really. I was this overweight, unhealthy solo artist who was sweating profusely and wearing clothes on stage that I could barely fit into. It was heart-wrenching. I almost ruined my relationship with BSB over it. I was so mentally unhealthy at the time I wouldn’t let family members come around me.
I WANTED THEM TO HEAR MY PAIN .
Then again, if I hadn’t done the solo album and expressed those
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