would snap like a twig, rendering her useless to her bow and her wicked right punch. I scold myself for even thinking such thoughts. I will never use that against her. If I win, it will be fairly. Nor will I ever tell anyone of her weakness . . . I hope she does the same for me.
As if hearing my internal monologue, Val lets me in on a secret she shared with Kinah. “Oh, I forgot to tell you. I told Kinah the other day that your upper cuts suck.”
Yes, I decide, Val is the good friend I thought she was. “Thanks.”
“No problem. Somebody has to beat that amazon.” For somebody still taking the Pump, Val is definitely pushing its limits. She would be amazing without it. I wish I could laugh out loud with her here in this dull cafeteria and bring some life and light into it. It’s been the same boring gray room since I can remember.
NINETEEN
Combat training is coming to an end. This last week is being spent reviewing the skills we learned over the past five weeks. Some moves include weapons and some do not. Garret and Millie stress that we should be prepared for any situation in the field.
I feel prepared physically, but not mentally. What am I fighting for? That is a question that has been plaguing me. Is it to keep the people of the Republic tame and under Dr. Fredericks’ control? Is it to kill hungry scavengers looking for food? Is it to be United with someone I don’t choose? It has to stop . . . all of it.
My time spent on patrol is the only time I have to myself without external interruptions. I think about these issues all the time. They constantly fill me with a range of emotions: anger, rage, confusion, fear, denial. I’ve felt all these things, but I haven’t felt confidence, happiness, or strength. These are things I should be feeling, right?
The sun is still low this morning in the cornfields, keeping the scorching heat at bay for the time being. Even the heat of the day seems hotter now that I’m off the Pump.
Harvest is tomorrow. I take in the details of the plump, yellow kernels one last time. With my palms open, I run both hands along the flourishing cornstalks while I make my rounds. Strong fingers entwine with my own. My breath catches and I stop walking. I smell rain and sweat all at once. A smile breaks across my face. I turn to see him standing behind me.
Ryker doesn’t let go of my hand. “Where have you been?” I ask still breathless. I thought my emotions had settled down, but Ryker has an effect on me that I can’t explain. He stirs something inside me, makes me feel alive. I glance back at the wall that surrounds the Republic. I don’t feel alive in there .
“It’s been too dangerous getting here. I’ve been watching you though.” He looks down as he admits this to me. The rich brown of the soil is the same color as his eyes. I want him to look back up at me again. I unexpectedly reach out and lift his chin. His facial stubble scratches my fingers.
My face burns with embarrassment from such a bold action. This seems to happen a lot when I’m around Ryker. I try to talk my way around it like it didn’t happen, “The Trials start in a few days.”
He frowns and his face becomes full of sorrow with the firsthand knowledge of what I will have to endure. “I know. I don’t want you to have to go through any of it. I would take you with me right now if I could.”
“Why can’t you?” I haven’t even decided if that’s what I want, but I still want to hear his answer all the same. Leaving behind my parents and my friends would be difficult. There’s also the fact that I’m still hardwired with the need to be first and finish the Trials. I can’t see that ever changing.
“Exalted can’t be Taken.” His voice is strained. “We’re too strong. So if you did happen to disappear from duty one day, they’d come after you, hunt you down, and kill you for being a traitor. And when they do come after you, it will lead them straight back to our people. We’d
As if hearing my internal monologue, Val lets me in on a secret she shared with Kinah. “Oh, I forgot to tell you. I told Kinah the other day that your upper cuts suck.”
Yes, I decide, Val is the good friend I thought she was. “Thanks.”
“No problem. Somebody has to beat that amazon.” For somebody still taking the Pump, Val is definitely pushing its limits. She would be amazing without it. I wish I could laugh out loud with her here in this dull cafeteria and bring some life and light into it. It’s been the same boring gray room since I can remember.
NINETEEN
Combat training is coming to an end. This last week is being spent reviewing the skills we learned over the past five weeks. Some moves include weapons and some do not. Garret and Millie stress that we should be prepared for any situation in the field.
I feel prepared physically, but not mentally. What am I fighting for? That is a question that has been plaguing me. Is it to keep the people of the Republic tame and under Dr. Fredericks’ control? Is it to kill hungry scavengers looking for food? Is it to be United with someone I don’t choose? It has to stop . . . all of it.
My time spent on patrol is the only time I have to myself without external interruptions. I think about these issues all the time. They constantly fill me with a range of emotions: anger, rage, confusion, fear, denial. I’ve felt all these things, but I haven’t felt confidence, happiness, or strength. These are things I should be feeling, right?
The sun is still low this morning in the cornfields, keeping the scorching heat at bay for the time being. Even the heat of the day seems hotter now that I’m off the Pump.
Harvest is tomorrow. I take in the details of the plump, yellow kernels one last time. With my palms open, I run both hands along the flourishing cornstalks while I make my rounds. Strong fingers entwine with my own. My breath catches and I stop walking. I smell rain and sweat all at once. A smile breaks across my face. I turn to see him standing behind me.
Ryker doesn’t let go of my hand. “Where have you been?” I ask still breathless. I thought my emotions had settled down, but Ryker has an effect on me that I can’t explain. He stirs something inside me, makes me feel alive. I glance back at the wall that surrounds the Republic. I don’t feel alive in there .
“It’s been too dangerous getting here. I’ve been watching you though.” He looks down as he admits this to me. The rich brown of the soil is the same color as his eyes. I want him to look back up at me again. I unexpectedly reach out and lift his chin. His facial stubble scratches my fingers.
My face burns with embarrassment from such a bold action. This seems to happen a lot when I’m around Ryker. I try to talk my way around it like it didn’t happen, “The Trials start in a few days.”
He frowns and his face becomes full of sorrow with the firsthand knowledge of what I will have to endure. “I know. I don’t want you to have to go through any of it. I would take you with me right now if I could.”
“Why can’t you?” I haven’t even decided if that’s what I want, but I still want to hear his answer all the same. Leaving behind my parents and my friends would be difficult. There’s also the fact that I’m still hardwired with the need to be first and finish the Trials. I can’t see that ever changing.
“Exalted can’t be Taken.” His voice is strained. “We’re too strong. So if you did happen to disappear from duty one day, they’d come after you, hunt you down, and kill you for being a traitor. And when they do come after you, it will lead them straight back to our people. We’d
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