"I want to express myself." "The same is true for me." "I'm looking for my voice." "It is in your mouth." "I want to do something I'm not ashamed of." "Something you are proud of, yes?" "Not even. I just don't want to be ashamed." "There are many premium Russian writers, yes?" "Oh, of course. Tons." "Tolstoy, yes? He wrote
War,
and also
Peace,
which are premium books, and he also earned the Noble Peace Prize for writing, if I am not so wrong." "Tolstoy. Bely. Turgenev." "A question." "Yes?" "Do you write because you have a thing to say?" "No." "And if I may partake in a different theme: how much currency would an accountant receive in America?" "I'm not sure. A lot, I imagine, if he or she is good." "She!" "Or he." "Are there Negro accountants?" "There are African-American accountants. You don't want to use that word, though, Alex." "And homosexual accountants?" "There are homosexual everythings. There are homosexual garbage men." "How much currency would a Negro homosexual accountant receive?" "You shouldn't use that word." "Which word?" "The one before homosexual." "What?" "The n-word. Well, it's not
the
n-word, butâ" "Negro?" "Shhh." "I dig Negroes." "You really shouldn't say that." "But I dig them all the way. They are premium people." "It's that word, though. It's not a nice thing to say." "Negro?" "Please." "What's wrong with Negroes?" "Shhh." "How much does a cup of coffee cost in America?" "Oh, it depends. Maybe one dollar." "One dollar! This is for free! In Ukraine one cup of coffee is five dollars!" "Oh, well, I didn't mention cappuccinos. They can be as much as five or six dollars." "Cappuccinos," I said, elevating my hands above my head, "there is no maximum!" "Do you have lattes in the Ukraine?" "What is latte?" "Oh, because they're very cool in America. Really, they're basically everywhere." "Do you have mochas in America?" "Of course, but only children drink them. They're not very cool in America." "Yes, it is very much the same here. We have also mochaccinos." "Yeah, of course. We have those in America. They might be seven dollars." "Are they much-loved things?" "Mochaccinos?" "Yes." "I think they're for people who want to drink a coffee drink but also really like hot chocolate." "I understand this. What about the girls in America?" "What about them?" "They are very informal with their boxes, yes?" "You hear about them, but nobody I know has ever met one of them." "Are you carnal very often?" "Are you?" "I inquired you. Are you?" "Are you?" "I inquired headmost. Are you?" "Not really." "What do you intend by not really?" "I'm not a priest, but I'm not John Holmes either." "I know of this John Holmes." I lifted my hands to my sides. "With the premium penis." "That's the one," he said, and laughed. I made him laugh with my funny. "In Ukraine everyone has a penis like that." He laughed again. "Even the women?" he asked. "You made a funny?" I asked. "Yes," he said. So I laughed. "Have you ever had a girlfriend?" I asked the hero. "Have you?" "I am inquiring you." "I sort of have," he said. "What do you signify with sort of?" "Nothing formal, really. Not a girlfriend girlfriend, really. I've dated, I guess, once or twice. I don't want to be formal." "It is the same state of affairs with me," I said. "I also do not want to be formal. I do not want to be handcuffed to only one girl." "Exactly," he said. "I mean, I've fooled around with girls." "Of course." "Blowjobs." "Yes, of course." "But once you get a girlfriend, well, you know." "I know very well."
"A question," I said. "Do you think the women in Ukraine are first rate?" "I haven't seen many since I've been here." "Do you have women like this in America?" "There's at least one of everything in America." "I have heard this. Do you have many motorcycles in America?" "Of course." "And fax machines?" "Everywhere." "You have a fax machine?" "No. They're very passé." "What does it mean passé?" "They're out-of-date. Paper is so tedious." "Tedious?"
War,
and also
Peace,
which are premium books, and he also earned the Noble Peace Prize for writing, if I am not so wrong." "Tolstoy. Bely. Turgenev." "A question." "Yes?" "Do you write because you have a thing to say?" "No." "And if I may partake in a different theme: how much currency would an accountant receive in America?" "I'm not sure. A lot, I imagine, if he or she is good." "She!" "Or he." "Are there Negro accountants?" "There are African-American accountants. You don't want to use that word, though, Alex." "And homosexual accountants?" "There are homosexual everythings. There are homosexual garbage men." "How much currency would a Negro homosexual accountant receive?" "You shouldn't use that word." "Which word?" "The one before homosexual." "What?" "The n-word. Well, it's not
the
n-word, butâ" "Negro?" "Shhh." "I dig Negroes." "You really shouldn't say that." "But I dig them all the way. They are premium people." "It's that word, though. It's not a nice thing to say." "Negro?" "Please." "What's wrong with Negroes?" "Shhh." "How much does a cup of coffee cost in America?" "Oh, it depends. Maybe one dollar." "One dollar! This is for free! In Ukraine one cup of coffee is five dollars!" "Oh, well, I didn't mention cappuccinos. They can be as much as five or six dollars." "Cappuccinos," I said, elevating my hands above my head, "there is no maximum!" "Do you have lattes in the Ukraine?" "What is latte?" "Oh, because they're very cool in America. Really, they're basically everywhere." "Do you have mochas in America?" "Of course, but only children drink them. They're not very cool in America." "Yes, it is very much the same here. We have also mochaccinos." "Yeah, of course. We have those in America. They might be seven dollars." "Are they much-loved things?" "Mochaccinos?" "Yes." "I think they're for people who want to drink a coffee drink but also really like hot chocolate." "I understand this. What about the girls in America?" "What about them?" "They are very informal with their boxes, yes?" "You hear about them, but nobody I know has ever met one of them." "Are you carnal very often?" "Are you?" "I inquired you. Are you?" "Are you?" "I inquired headmost. Are you?" "Not really." "What do you intend by not really?" "I'm not a priest, but I'm not John Holmes either." "I know of this John Holmes." I lifted my hands to my sides. "With the premium penis." "That's the one," he said, and laughed. I made him laugh with my funny. "In Ukraine everyone has a penis like that." He laughed again. "Even the women?" he asked. "You made a funny?" I asked. "Yes," he said. So I laughed. "Have you ever had a girlfriend?" I asked the hero. "Have you?" "I am inquiring you." "I sort of have," he said. "What do you signify with sort of?" "Nothing formal, really. Not a girlfriend girlfriend, really. I've dated, I guess, once or twice. I don't want to be formal." "It is the same state of affairs with me," I said. "I also do not want to be formal. I do not want to be handcuffed to only one girl." "Exactly," he said. "I mean, I've fooled around with girls." "Of course." "Blowjobs." "Yes, of course." "But once you get a girlfriend, well, you know." "I know very well."
"A question," I said. "Do you think the women in Ukraine are first rate?" "I haven't seen many since I've been here." "Do you have women like this in America?" "There's at least one of everything in America." "I have heard this. Do you have many motorcycles in America?" "Of course." "And fax machines?" "Everywhere." "You have a fax machine?" "No. They're very passé." "What does it mean passé?" "They're out-of-date. Paper is so tedious." "Tedious?"
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