Dad.”
“Mmm. The surf was ferocious. Three people died on the Maine coast, but a lot more might have, had they not evacuated and moved inland. I helped with cooking at one of the shelters.” A smile warmed her words. “People kept thanking me, like I was worth something. It was food for my hungry soul—which isn’t to say I wasn’t looking over my shoulder half the time, afraid your dad would have one of his investigators track me down.”
I froze, remembering the charcoal SUV that had been parked by the green. If it was waiting for someone, that someone had been remarkably slow. “Would he do that to me? Ask him not to, Mom. Please? I’m in a totally safe place, a place where
I
feel at home. If he sends someone after me, I swear I will never talk to him again. Tell him that. Tell him I’m
fine
.”
“Are you, honey? I knew this was coming.”
That stopped me. “How?”
“Your lifestyle. There’s a sharp edge to it. James eggs you on.”
My head snapped back. Mom had never said anything negative about James before. Maybe I was being oversensitive, but I couldn’t let the statement stand. “He doesn’t. We don’t compete.”
“No?”
“No
,
”
I argued, feeling betrayed. “He and I have been a team from the start. It’s always been us against them. James is my life,” I insisted.
“What about Jude?” Mom asked.
I barely breathed. “What about him?”
“What part does he play in all this?”
“I haven’t seen Jude in ten years,” I said with perhaps too much force, but she had taken me by surprise. She hadn’t mentioned Jude once since my marriage to James.
“And you’re not with him now?”
“Absolutely not!” I cried.
“Oh dear. I hit a nerve.”
“Mom,” I warned.
She paused, then let Jude go, but not the rest. “Do you know, Emily, this is the longest conversation we’ve had in months?”
I calmed a little. “That’s not true. I was at the house with you in March.”
“With your laptop and your phone. You were never not plugged in.”
“Wrong. Wireless.”
“Emily. You know what I’m saying. We were never not interrupted.”
She might have been right, but this wasn’t what I wanted to hear. “You think James is bad for me.”
“I didn’t say that, Emily. I said he eggs you on, and you buy into it. You create an intensity together.”
“But don’t you see,” I said, desperate to explain it, “the power thing is personal with you. It’s everything Dad wanted and you didn’t. But maybe I do.”
“Do you?”
Yes
, I wanted to say but couldn’t. “I don’t know,” I cried. “That’s what I have to decide.”
Tell me what to do
, I nearly added, wondering if this was what I needed most from her. But she couldn’t tell me what to do. Her priorities weren’t mine.
Not that I knew what mine were. That was a problem.
We let the argument cool. Finally, she sighed and said a quiet “I love you, sweetheart.”
“I love you, too, Mom, which is why I need your support. James is my husband. Are you okay with that?”
“I want what you want.”
“Will you love me if I choose to go back to New York?”
“I want what you want,” she insisted. “I worry, is all. Will you call again?”
I waited, hoping that in my silence she would actually answer what I’d asked. As the silence dragged on, though, the questions receded.
“Yes,” I finally said, “I’ll call.”
“Do you promise?”
“Yes,” I repeated, and only after we’d clicked off realized she hadn’t asked where I was. I kind of figured that she knew, since she’d asked about Jude. Either that, or she didn’t
want
to know, giving her one less thing to hide from my dad.
I moved my thumb to power off the BlackBerry, then paused. Powering off wasn’t enough. I had talked with the three people who truly needed to hear my voice. The rest was trash.
Pulling up my in-box, I erased everything there. Had I erased something important? Possibly. Did I care? No. Looking at that
“Mmm. The surf was ferocious. Three people died on the Maine coast, but a lot more might have, had they not evacuated and moved inland. I helped with cooking at one of the shelters.” A smile warmed her words. “People kept thanking me, like I was worth something. It was food for my hungry soul—which isn’t to say I wasn’t looking over my shoulder half the time, afraid your dad would have one of his investigators track me down.”
I froze, remembering the charcoal SUV that had been parked by the green. If it was waiting for someone, that someone had been remarkably slow. “Would he do that to me? Ask him not to, Mom. Please? I’m in a totally safe place, a place where
I
feel at home. If he sends someone after me, I swear I will never talk to him again. Tell him that. Tell him I’m
fine
.”
“Are you, honey? I knew this was coming.”
That stopped me. “How?”
“Your lifestyle. There’s a sharp edge to it. James eggs you on.”
My head snapped back. Mom had never said anything negative about James before. Maybe I was being oversensitive, but I couldn’t let the statement stand. “He doesn’t. We don’t compete.”
“No?”
“No
,
”
I argued, feeling betrayed. “He and I have been a team from the start. It’s always been us against them. James is my life,” I insisted.
“What about Jude?” Mom asked.
I barely breathed. “What about him?”
“What part does he play in all this?”
“I haven’t seen Jude in ten years,” I said with perhaps too much force, but she had taken me by surprise. She hadn’t mentioned Jude once since my marriage to James.
“And you’re not with him now?”
“Absolutely not!” I cried.
“Oh dear. I hit a nerve.”
“Mom,” I warned.
She paused, then let Jude go, but not the rest. “Do you know, Emily, this is the longest conversation we’ve had in months?”
I calmed a little. “That’s not true. I was at the house with you in March.”
“With your laptop and your phone. You were never not plugged in.”
“Wrong. Wireless.”
“Emily. You know what I’m saying. We were never not interrupted.”
She might have been right, but this wasn’t what I wanted to hear. “You think James is bad for me.”
“I didn’t say that, Emily. I said he eggs you on, and you buy into it. You create an intensity together.”
“But don’t you see,” I said, desperate to explain it, “the power thing is personal with you. It’s everything Dad wanted and you didn’t. But maybe I do.”
“Do you?”
Yes
, I wanted to say but couldn’t. “I don’t know,” I cried. “That’s what I have to decide.”
Tell me what to do
, I nearly added, wondering if this was what I needed most from her. But she couldn’t tell me what to do. Her priorities weren’t mine.
Not that I knew what mine were. That was a problem.
We let the argument cool. Finally, she sighed and said a quiet “I love you, sweetheart.”
“I love you, too, Mom, which is why I need your support. James is my husband. Are you okay with that?”
“I want what you want.”
“Will you love me if I choose to go back to New York?”
“I want what you want,” she insisted. “I worry, is all. Will you call again?”
I waited, hoping that in my silence she would actually answer what I’d asked. As the silence dragged on, though, the questions receded.
“Yes,” I finally said, “I’ll call.”
“Do you promise?”
“Yes,” I repeated, and only after we’d clicked off realized she hadn’t asked where I was. I kind of figured that she knew, since she’d asked about Jude. Either that, or she didn’t
want
to know, giving her one less thing to hide from my dad.
I moved my thumb to power off the BlackBerry, then paused. Powering off wasn’t enough. I had talked with the three people who truly needed to hear my voice. The rest was trash.
Pulling up my in-box, I erased everything there. Had I erased something important? Possibly. Did I care? No. Looking at that
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