Elevated by Elana Johnson Page A

pressed so close,
    I could barely tilt my head to look at him.
    “Jesse—”
     
    “I want to kiss you,” he said,
    His voice thick,
    Hoarse.
    “Real bad.”
     
    I swallowed,
    Thought of what his lips against mine would feel like.
    My eyes flickered to his mouth,
    And when I looked back to his eyes,
    I found a mix of emotions—desire,
    Anger,
    Hurt,
    Frustration.
     
    I was breathing hard,
    My chest rising and falling too fast against Jesse’s.
    He finally lowered his head,
    His lips drawing dangerously close to mine.
    He bypassed my mouth,
    Brushed his lips along my jaw,
    Whispered, “I think my cousin might slit my throat while I sleep if I do this.”
     
    I couldn’t make sense of his words
    Before he stepped back,
    Released my wrist,
    Gave me space.
     
    He turned away so I couldn’t see his face,
    This thing between us big and bloated,
    And entirely unfair.
     
    I didn’t want to hurt Jesse,
    But I didn’t want to kiss him either.
    “Jesse…”
     
    Seconds passed,
    Heavy and long.
    He didn’t turn around as he said,
    “You’re too good for him,”
    With a hitch on the last word.
     
    His voice carried so much emotion;
    Tears gathered behind my eyes.
    I blinked them down.
     
    I’d been so focused on Trav,
    I hadn’t even noticed Jesse standing there.
    I didn’t know what to say to make this right.
     
    “But he needs you,” Jesse said,
    His voice pitching higher,
    His fists unclenching.
    “He needs you.”
     
    “Sometimes need isn’t enough,” I said,
    My voice raw,
    Alien.
    I knew Trav needed me.
    I wanted him to want me.
     
    The way Jesse did.
     
    “I know,” he said,
    Finally turned around again.
    The agony on his face made the edges of my heart bleed.
    “But he doesn’t have anyone else.”
     
    I nodded,
    Accepted his willingness to give Travis what he wanted.
     
    I needed to tell Jesse I wouldn’t change;
    We’d still game in the afternoons;
    I’d meet him on the roof.
    “Jess—”
     
    “While you were in the bathroom,
    I made the mistake of telling Trav I was gonna kiss you goodnight.
    That’s why he flipped out.”
     
    Several seconds passed before I said,
    “Give me your phone.”
     
    He handed it over,
    Leaned against the wall,
    Watched me with those eyes that held the same pain as Trav’s.
     
    I checked his text messages.
    From Trav: make sure she gets home safe
    Then: u touch her, u die
    And finally: ask her to meet me on the roof later
     
    My eyes felt too hot,
    Like the texts had burned them.
    Meet me on the roof later.
     
    When the elevator arrived at fourteen,
    I handed Jesse his phone,
    Slid my fingers between his,
    Left my high heels on the floor,
    Stood on tip-toe to kiss him.
     
    My lips against his cheek said,
    I don’t want to hurt you,
    I’m sorry.
     
    His grip on my waist was painful,
    And when he walked away,
    A piece of me went with him.

“TELL ME WHAT YOU’RE THINKING,”
    Travis says in the elevator, interrupting my memories.
     
    “Prom,” escapes before I can think.
     
    “Me too,” he says, undoing my every thought,
    My every barrier.
    I’m broken inside, and only he can fix me.
     
    Only he can hold me and offer the comfort I need,
    The comfort he wasn’t there to give when I needed it.
     
    Only he can replace the pieces
    I once had,
    And lost.
     
    But I don’t want him see all those shards.
    I don’t even let Dr. Tickson see them.
     
    No one can know what’s written in shame across my life,
    The splintered corners that cut me up inside,
    But with time and distance
    I know the edges will dull.
    They have to.
    No one can live with this much shame,
    This much pain,
    Forever.
     
    My stomach feels folded over on itself;
    I swallow the urge to throw up.
     
    When I leave Chicago,
    I’ll leave everything—including Trav—behind.
    I have to.
     
    I feel Trav’s eyes on me,
    Remember the way my name sounds in his heated voice,
    Relive the taste of his mouth in mine,
    The warmth of his body against mine.
     
    “We can start