easy. Itâs just a word. Youâve already made your mind up. So thereâs no point in talking more,â she said, and rose to walk away from me.
I reached out and gripped her hand. She struggled to free herself, but I would not let her go.
âYouâre hurting me,â she said.
âDonât justâwalk away. Talk to me ,â I said. I kissed her hand, hoping my feelings would show themselves in this way, when words failed me.
âIâm so frightened,â she said, after a while. âSome days it feels as if the world is falling apart. And I donât know how to hold it all together for us.â
âEverything will be fine,â I answered, uselessly.
âWhat will I tell the children if you never return? What will I tell myself?â
âI will return, I promise you that,â I said. âAnd then everything will change. Everything will get better again.â
âI know you would only do this if you thought you were doing the best for us all. But sometimes you get obsessed with an idea, and you forget about us. I would much rather have a living husband with no job and no gold than a dead one. I donât care how much Nakht has offered, your life simply isnât worth the risk. And I know it must be dangerous, because why else would you have to go?â
âI have no choice,â I replied. It felt like the most honest thing I had said.
âYou always have a choice,â she insisted. â Always . And you shouldnât make decisions like this, not now, not when youâre grieving. I know you, my husband. You are being driven by rage and guilt. But Khetyâs death was not your fault.â
âYes it was.â
She looked at me unflinchingly. âAnd so you put your rage and your revenge before your family?â
She had spoken the truth. I felt the cold blade of guilt slip into my heart. I wanted to tell her I had changed my mind. But something else would not let me. I forced myself to keep going.
âI promise you I will return within three months. And then everything will be well.â
She was silent for a long moment.
âWhen must you go?â she asked, eventually, in a strange voice.
âTomorrow morning,â I replied.
âTomorrow?â
She was incredulous.
âWe are your family . And you have chosen against us. I do not know how I will forgive you.â
And she walked away into the house, leaving me in the dark. I threw the fig into the shadows.
Part Two
This northern boundary is as far as that inverted water which goes downstream in going upstreamâ¦
Tombos stele of Tutmosis I
12
Ra rose above the dark horizon, and the Great River instantly caught the glory of the first light on its vast, shadowy surface, and glittered into splendid life.
I stood on the shipâs deck and gazed out at Thebes, waking to another day of heat and work. I looked at the crowded docks; at the high temple walls, and the long, fluttering flags on their poles; at the districts of rich villas; and across the Great River at the Malkata Palace itself, where the Queen would be awake, and perhaps praying to Amun, God of Thebes, the Hidden One, for the success of our venture. I would not see my city again for many months. If we failed, then perhaps I would never return. Strangely, I found I no longer had strong feelings about that turn of events, or rather, I felt numb at the possibility of my own death. I thought of our hieroglyph for the word âexpeditionâ: a kneeling man holding a bow, followed by the sign for a boat. I felt like that man, only my weapon was a dagger. I touched its handle; I would keep it tied across my chest at all times, in readiness.
I looked down the elegant curve of the wooden gunwales that ran the long length of the ship. The Eye of Horus was painted boldly on either side of the prow, offering the protection of the God of the Sky, together with falcons on pedestals. Stylized plants
I reached out and gripped her hand. She struggled to free herself, but I would not let her go.
âYouâre hurting me,â she said.
âDonât justâwalk away. Talk to me ,â I said. I kissed her hand, hoping my feelings would show themselves in this way, when words failed me.
âIâm so frightened,â she said, after a while. âSome days it feels as if the world is falling apart. And I donât know how to hold it all together for us.â
âEverything will be fine,â I answered, uselessly.
âWhat will I tell the children if you never return? What will I tell myself?â
âI will return, I promise you that,â I said. âAnd then everything will change. Everything will get better again.â
âI know you would only do this if you thought you were doing the best for us all. But sometimes you get obsessed with an idea, and you forget about us. I would much rather have a living husband with no job and no gold than a dead one. I donât care how much Nakht has offered, your life simply isnât worth the risk. And I know it must be dangerous, because why else would you have to go?â
âI have no choice,â I replied. It felt like the most honest thing I had said.
âYou always have a choice,â she insisted. â Always . And you shouldnât make decisions like this, not now, not when youâre grieving. I know you, my husband. You are being driven by rage and guilt. But Khetyâs death was not your fault.â
âYes it was.â
She looked at me unflinchingly. âAnd so you put your rage and your revenge before your family?â
She had spoken the truth. I felt the cold blade of guilt slip into my heart. I wanted to tell her I had changed my mind. But something else would not let me. I forced myself to keep going.
âI promise you I will return within three months. And then everything will be well.â
She was silent for a long moment.
âWhen must you go?â she asked, eventually, in a strange voice.
âTomorrow morning,â I replied.
âTomorrow?â
She was incredulous.
âWe are your family . And you have chosen against us. I do not know how I will forgive you.â
And she walked away into the house, leaving me in the dark. I threw the fig into the shadows.
Part Two
This northern boundary is as far as that inverted water which goes downstream in going upstreamâ¦
Tombos stele of Tutmosis I
12
Ra rose above the dark horizon, and the Great River instantly caught the glory of the first light on its vast, shadowy surface, and glittered into splendid life.
I stood on the shipâs deck and gazed out at Thebes, waking to another day of heat and work. I looked at the crowded docks; at the high temple walls, and the long, fluttering flags on their poles; at the districts of rich villas; and across the Great River at the Malkata Palace itself, where the Queen would be awake, and perhaps praying to Amun, God of Thebes, the Hidden One, for the success of our venture. I would not see my city again for many months. If we failed, then perhaps I would never return. Strangely, I found I no longer had strong feelings about that turn of events, or rather, I felt numb at the possibility of my own death. I thought of our hieroglyph for the word âexpeditionâ: a kneeling man holding a bow, followed by the sign for a boat. I felt like that man, only my weapon was a dagger. I touched its handle; I would keep it tied across my chest at all times, in readiness.
I looked down the elegant curve of the wooden gunwales that ran the long length of the ship. The Eye of Horus was painted boldly on either side of the prow, offering the protection of the God of the Sky, together with falcons on pedestals. Stylized plants
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