his neck. It shouldn’t matter, those words. So what if he’d been ready to come back after he’d left my office—it didn’t take back the words that had left me bleeding. It shouldn’t undo any of the misery, but it felt like one of those deep, ripping gouges in my heart started to heal.
Because I couldn’t trust my voice to be steady just then, I gave myself a minute and focused on the scent of him, the warmth of his skin against mine. Then, finally, I murmured, “If he didn’t try it then, he would have tried later. Doyle found me, but the reason you all were able to get to me so fast was because of Justin. Justin is used to working with people who track—specifically…people like me. What would have happened if Justin hadn’t been around? If it had been just Doyle and nobody here could help the way Justin could? Sooner or later, it was going to happen. The way it played out…I guess it was my best chance of surviving it.”
Damon’s hand tangled in my hair.
“I should have…”
Lifting my head, I pressed my fingers to his mouth. “We can’t undo it. It’s already done. I’m learning to live with it—or trying to. If we have any chance at all of making it, Damon, you’ll have to do the same. And that means we can’t constantly play the maybe game, the should-have game. It’s done.”
He caught my wrist, kissed my fingers, his gaze intent on mine.
Silence fell between us.
“I love you.” He reached up and laid his hand on my cheek. The emotion churning in his eyes was enough to break me open. “I have to tell you—you didn’t want to hear it before and I won’t say it again after this, but I’m sorry for what I did. I hate myself for not being there.”
Slowly, I let out a breath I hadn’t known I was holding.
“Okay.” I nodded. “Okay. Now…we just…can we just move on from here?”
His arms came around me, tight, so tight I could barely breathe. But I didn’t complain.
“This is what I missed,” I whispered. “Being like this. With you.”
It shouldn’t have been a surprise, the nightmares coming on the way they did, not then. Even though some part of me was vaguely aware that I was still in my bed, even vaguely aware that Damon held me, I could feel it pulling at me.
They’d been getting worse lately. Not that I had them more often, but Jude’s voice was getting stronger in my head. It seemed like the easier it was for me to push his touch away in the day, the harder it was to break free in my dreams.
I could hear him.
Sometimes I thought I could even smell him, feel him.
He’s not coming for you.
Jude might be in a box for the next fifty years, but in my head, he was still free. No. He stood right there , beside my bed and as I tried to roll away, he reached out and tangled a hand in my hair.
I froze, the memory of all the pain rising back up. Teeth sharper than blades shredding my skin. Blood pumping out of me. His body ripping into mine. Bones breaking.
Broken already?
“You’re not here! ”
I shouted it at him. Or tried.
He smoothed my hair back, his voice oddly gentle. Oh, Kit, he murmured, his voice kind. I’ll always be here. Don’t you know that?
And then he drove his fists into me, my face, my belly, my ribs. Bones broke under the blows and I tasted my own blood yet again.
Nobody will save you .
I broke free, because even in dreams, I always do. I could see the blinding white as I hurtled toward the chasm. Snow stung my skin, my hair blinded me.
Even that will not free you, little warrior. Little weakling .
The cliff lay ahead, the dark abyss a promise.
The only way to escape is to die —
To be free, all I had to do was jump. The gorge was rightthere. I could see it, all but taste the oblivion I’d find once I jumped.
That’s it, darling Kit. Just jump…just jump , Jude crooned in my ear.
“Kit!”
Hands closed around my arms.
I swung out. I had to—
A roar shattered the cold air and then—
“Wake up.” Warm,
Because I couldn’t trust my voice to be steady just then, I gave myself a minute and focused on the scent of him, the warmth of his skin against mine. Then, finally, I murmured, “If he didn’t try it then, he would have tried later. Doyle found me, but the reason you all were able to get to me so fast was because of Justin. Justin is used to working with people who track—specifically…people like me. What would have happened if Justin hadn’t been around? If it had been just Doyle and nobody here could help the way Justin could? Sooner or later, it was going to happen. The way it played out…I guess it was my best chance of surviving it.”
Damon’s hand tangled in my hair.
“I should have…”
Lifting my head, I pressed my fingers to his mouth. “We can’t undo it. It’s already done. I’m learning to live with it—or trying to. If we have any chance at all of making it, Damon, you’ll have to do the same. And that means we can’t constantly play the maybe game, the should-have game. It’s done.”
He caught my wrist, kissed my fingers, his gaze intent on mine.
Silence fell between us.
“I love you.” He reached up and laid his hand on my cheek. The emotion churning in his eyes was enough to break me open. “I have to tell you—you didn’t want to hear it before and I won’t say it again after this, but I’m sorry for what I did. I hate myself for not being there.”
Slowly, I let out a breath I hadn’t known I was holding.
“Okay.” I nodded. “Okay. Now…we just…can we just move on from here?”
His arms came around me, tight, so tight I could barely breathe. But I didn’t complain.
“This is what I missed,” I whispered. “Being like this. With you.”
It shouldn’t have been a surprise, the nightmares coming on the way they did, not then. Even though some part of me was vaguely aware that I was still in my bed, even vaguely aware that Damon held me, I could feel it pulling at me.
They’d been getting worse lately. Not that I had them more often, but Jude’s voice was getting stronger in my head. It seemed like the easier it was for me to push his touch away in the day, the harder it was to break free in my dreams.
I could hear him.
Sometimes I thought I could even smell him, feel him.
He’s not coming for you.
Jude might be in a box for the next fifty years, but in my head, he was still free. No. He stood right there , beside my bed and as I tried to roll away, he reached out and tangled a hand in my hair.
I froze, the memory of all the pain rising back up. Teeth sharper than blades shredding my skin. Blood pumping out of me. His body ripping into mine. Bones breaking.
Broken already?
“You’re not here! ”
I shouted it at him. Or tried.
He smoothed my hair back, his voice oddly gentle. Oh, Kit, he murmured, his voice kind. I’ll always be here. Don’t you know that?
And then he drove his fists into me, my face, my belly, my ribs. Bones broke under the blows and I tasted my own blood yet again.
Nobody will save you .
I broke free, because even in dreams, I always do. I could see the blinding white as I hurtled toward the chasm. Snow stung my skin, my hair blinded me.
Even that will not free you, little warrior. Little weakling .
The cliff lay ahead, the dark abyss a promise.
The only way to escape is to die —
To be free, all I had to do was jump. The gorge was rightthere. I could see it, all but taste the oblivion I’d find once I jumped.
That’s it, darling Kit. Just jump…just jump , Jude crooned in my ear.
“Kit!”
Hands closed around my arms.
I swung out. I had to—
A roar shattered the cold air and then—
“Wake up.” Warm,
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