escaped,” Declan said. “Like you.”
“The date is right around the time my grandfather became interested in me,” said Jenny. “That’s when they started doing the same thing to me. Except…” She trailed off, feeling suddenly out of breath. She could still feel the scalpel cutting into her back, into muscle and bone. She could still feel the screams rising up in her throat.
“Except they didn’t use drugs with you, right?” said Trix. “Not after the first little bit.”
“Sully said I died,” Jenny said, trying to stand up straight, trying to look strong. “I died more than once, according to him. He told me when he was cutting me, sticking his fat, ugly fingers into my body. When he had me on that table, he told me all sorts of things.”
“Jen, stop,” Declan said softly. “Stop this. You don’t have to do this.”
“Yes I do,” she said. “You think that you’re suffering now, Deck. And you are. But what they did to us in that place, and then what Sully did to me after, I can’t even tell you how fucking horrific it is. I can’t tell you how much pain we went through. I can’t even tell you how many times I died because I don’t even fucking know.”
“I’m sorry I said those things,” he said. “Please.”
“This isn’t about what you said,” Jenny said. “Faron is like me, too. But I suspect he’s an improved design, just like I’m a fucking improved design over her, whoever she is. He can die and come back to life and he’s dangerous. But he must have gone through even more than I did. Because there was no anesthetic at that point. At least I got it in the beginning. But even that isn’t the point. Benji knows where Faron is, so we think we know where to find that crazy fucker. And we will. Eventually.” Jenny looked down at the file again, at the coffee stain, at the notes scribbled in pencil. “I’m telling you all this because I have a sister. I have a fucking sister out there. And if you don’t want to help me find her, I’ll understand. I know Trix is on board and that will be enough. But I will be fucking goddamned if I’m going to let someone else like me be alone. Someone just like me. I won’t leave my family to fend for themselves ever again. I shouldn’t have left Casey even for one second. But I did. And now he’s dead.”
“It’s not your fault,” said Trix. She shrugged. “I know I said it was, but it wasn’t. We all knew what we were getting into. We could have left. Casey died and that’s sad as fuck. But it wasn’t your fault. It was Sully’s fucking fault. And if I could kill that motherfucker over and over again for all eternity, I would.”
Jenny nodded. She looked at Benji. “I’m not leaving you behind, Benji. If you don’t want to go I’ll understand. But if you do, you’re family.” Benji nodded at her, holding his face. The edges of his neck wound were starting to turn black.
Jenny looked at Declan. “When Faron asked me to leave with him, he said you could never love me, Declan. He said you and Trix weren’t like me. That’s fucking true. But I think he was lying about the love. I know that Trix loved Casey. I know that when I was dead, I had to fight myself because I loved you so much. I wanted to save you from myself.” He was staring into her, the way he used to, and she didn’t look away. “I know you’re really angry right now, and when you need to eat, it gets worse. I get it and I’m sorry. But if you don’t love me, maybe we should go our own ways. If you love me, though, help me find my sister.” Jenny felt a moment of déjà vu , but ignored it.
Declan smoothed back his hair just as he always had when he was alive and Jenny’s heart broke.
“Same as it ever was,” he said. “You’re not losing me that easy.”
Jenny relaxed and nodded to Trix. “Okay then. Load up the car. Let’s go find some Dregs.”
FOURTEEN
The car sputtered and came to a stop just inside Boulder. Jenny looked
“The date is right around the time my grandfather became interested in me,” said Jenny. “That’s when they started doing the same thing to me. Except…” She trailed off, feeling suddenly out of breath. She could still feel the scalpel cutting into her back, into muscle and bone. She could still feel the screams rising up in her throat.
“Except they didn’t use drugs with you, right?” said Trix. “Not after the first little bit.”
“Sully said I died,” Jenny said, trying to stand up straight, trying to look strong. “I died more than once, according to him. He told me when he was cutting me, sticking his fat, ugly fingers into my body. When he had me on that table, he told me all sorts of things.”
“Jen, stop,” Declan said softly. “Stop this. You don’t have to do this.”
“Yes I do,” she said. “You think that you’re suffering now, Deck. And you are. But what they did to us in that place, and then what Sully did to me after, I can’t even tell you how fucking horrific it is. I can’t tell you how much pain we went through. I can’t even tell you how many times I died because I don’t even fucking know.”
“I’m sorry I said those things,” he said. “Please.”
“This isn’t about what you said,” Jenny said. “Faron is like me, too. But I suspect he’s an improved design, just like I’m a fucking improved design over her, whoever she is. He can die and come back to life and he’s dangerous. But he must have gone through even more than I did. Because there was no anesthetic at that point. At least I got it in the beginning. But even that isn’t the point. Benji knows where Faron is, so we think we know where to find that crazy fucker. And we will. Eventually.” Jenny looked down at the file again, at the coffee stain, at the notes scribbled in pencil. “I’m telling you all this because I have a sister. I have a fucking sister out there. And if you don’t want to help me find her, I’ll understand. I know Trix is on board and that will be enough. But I will be fucking goddamned if I’m going to let someone else like me be alone. Someone just like me. I won’t leave my family to fend for themselves ever again. I shouldn’t have left Casey even for one second. But I did. And now he’s dead.”
“It’s not your fault,” said Trix. She shrugged. “I know I said it was, but it wasn’t. We all knew what we were getting into. We could have left. Casey died and that’s sad as fuck. But it wasn’t your fault. It was Sully’s fucking fault. And if I could kill that motherfucker over and over again for all eternity, I would.”
Jenny nodded. She looked at Benji. “I’m not leaving you behind, Benji. If you don’t want to go I’ll understand. But if you do, you’re family.” Benji nodded at her, holding his face. The edges of his neck wound were starting to turn black.
Jenny looked at Declan. “When Faron asked me to leave with him, he said you could never love me, Declan. He said you and Trix weren’t like me. That’s fucking true. But I think he was lying about the love. I know that Trix loved Casey. I know that when I was dead, I had to fight myself because I loved you so much. I wanted to save you from myself.” He was staring into her, the way he used to, and she didn’t look away. “I know you’re really angry right now, and when you need to eat, it gets worse. I get it and I’m sorry. But if you don’t love me, maybe we should go our own ways. If you love me, though, help me find my sister.” Jenny felt a moment of déjà vu , but ignored it.
Declan smoothed back his hair just as he always had when he was alive and Jenny’s heart broke.
“Same as it ever was,” he said. “You’re not losing me that easy.”
Jenny relaxed and nodded to Trix. “Okay then. Load up the car. Let’s go find some Dregs.”
FOURTEEN
The car sputtered and came to a stop just inside Boulder. Jenny looked
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