their usual pattern, eating lunch together, then hanging
out on the smoking patio with Burke and Randy. At night they wander in the
woods, along the edge of the pond and among the slanted shadows of tombstones.
They never discuss what has happened. Roy never asks, and Nathan never
volunteers.
They
talk with their bodies. Roy says he is sorry again and again and never makes a
sound. In the woods, in the shadow of the tombstone of Sarah Jane Kennicutt, on
the path to the Indian mound; never in the barn, for fear someone will hear.
Never near the houses. They hold each other on the borders of the farm, at the
edge of wild country, they speak with their hands.
Sometimes
when Roy watches, a question can be read in his eyes. Who is Nathan, why is Roy
with him? Nathan can almost hear the words. Who is Nathan?
Roy
goes away with his family to Wednesday night prayer meeting. Evelyn will be
there. Nathan pictures her as blond and tall, with a sweet face, plump, round
breasts and full, wide hips. She is waiting for Roy at the door to the
sanctuary. She is holding a bouquet of flowers in her hand.
The
late nights are the hardest times, after Roy says goodbye and closes the barn
door. The smells, the unfamiliar shadows and sounds, trouble Nathan's sleep.
The dirtiness of the mattress and the dust of the straw beside it make him
cough, and at times he becomes afraid Dad will hear him. He wonders, when he
will allow himself to think of it, how long he can go on hiding.
On
Friday, while they are lounging on the smoking patio, Roy lets Nathan taste his
bitter cigarette. He inhales sharply, the hot smoke searing his lungs. The
choking and coughing that follow bring general laughter, and Burke and Randy
clap Nathan on the back. There follows a moment of such sheer friendliness that
Nathan loses his fear of Randy and even of Burke. When Nathan catches his
breath they are talking about camping, about the trip to Handle they discussed
when they were diving off the railroad trestle, Roy, Burke, and Randy. Roy is
including
Nathan
in the plans for the trip, and Nathan realizes with relief that this could
solve the problem of how to get through the weekend.
Near
the end of the day, Nathan finds Roy waiting outside Advanced Math. The
surprise of his appearance helps Nathan to see him fresh and vivid once again,
tall and strongly made in his jeans and denim jacket, the high bones of his
face darkened with a trace of beard, his lips cut in a lopsided smile. Fierce
eyes shock from beneath dark thick brows. Roy falls in silently beside Nathan
and they head under the canopy to another class. “You think it's a good
idea to go camping this weekend? If you're worried about your mom, I can ask
her for you.”
Nathan
remembers the sliding shadow in her housecoat, the deepening dark circles under
her eyes. “It'll be okay. She'll let me go.”
They
have arrived at Nathan's final class. Roy has led the way, and at the last
moment lays his hand on Nathan's shoulder. The almost hidden gesture passes
unnoticed in the general commotion of classes changing, but for Nathan the
brief nervous flare sears him. I’ll see you after school."
Roy
hurries to his own class. Nathan takes his seat in Biology, opening his text to
the chapter on cell mitochondria.
The bus
ride home is intimate in a way Nathan can hardly credit, as if, out of all the
noisy creatures on the bus, only he and Roy truly exist. Even when Nathan looks
out the window at the tattered autumn fields, Roy watches from the overhead
mirror, eyes hanging in the air.
He
stops the bus on the dirt road, when all the others have gone. He calls Nathan
to the front of the bus. The press of his body is familiar and heady. He traps
Nathan's head against his chest. They hold still against each other, breathless
through silence, till the distant drone of a truck motor warns them of itself.
Roy releases Nathan unhurriedly. “We won't have to worry about this kind
of shit in the woods.”
Still
without hurry,
out on the smoking patio with Burke and Randy. At night they wander in the
woods, along the edge of the pond and among the slanted shadows of tombstones.
They never discuss what has happened. Roy never asks, and Nathan never
volunteers.
They
talk with their bodies. Roy says he is sorry again and again and never makes a
sound. In the woods, in the shadow of the tombstone of Sarah Jane Kennicutt, on
the path to the Indian mound; never in the barn, for fear someone will hear.
Never near the houses. They hold each other on the borders of the farm, at the
edge of wild country, they speak with their hands.
Sometimes
when Roy watches, a question can be read in his eyes. Who is Nathan, why is Roy
with him? Nathan can almost hear the words. Who is Nathan?
Roy
goes away with his family to Wednesday night prayer meeting. Evelyn will be
there. Nathan pictures her as blond and tall, with a sweet face, plump, round
breasts and full, wide hips. She is waiting for Roy at the door to the
sanctuary. She is holding a bouquet of flowers in her hand.
The
late nights are the hardest times, after Roy says goodbye and closes the barn
door. The smells, the unfamiliar shadows and sounds, trouble Nathan's sleep.
The dirtiness of the mattress and the dust of the straw beside it make him
cough, and at times he becomes afraid Dad will hear him. He wonders, when he
will allow himself to think of it, how long he can go on hiding.
On
Friday, while they are lounging on the smoking patio, Roy lets Nathan taste his
bitter cigarette. He inhales sharply, the hot smoke searing his lungs. The
choking and coughing that follow bring general laughter, and Burke and Randy
clap Nathan on the back. There follows a moment of such sheer friendliness that
Nathan loses his fear of Randy and even of Burke. When Nathan catches his
breath they are talking about camping, about the trip to Handle they discussed
when they were diving off the railroad trestle, Roy, Burke, and Randy. Roy is
including
Nathan
in the plans for the trip, and Nathan realizes with relief that this could
solve the problem of how to get through the weekend.
Near
the end of the day, Nathan finds Roy waiting outside Advanced Math. The
surprise of his appearance helps Nathan to see him fresh and vivid once again,
tall and strongly made in his jeans and denim jacket, the high bones of his
face darkened with a trace of beard, his lips cut in a lopsided smile. Fierce
eyes shock from beneath dark thick brows. Roy falls in silently beside Nathan
and they head under the canopy to another class. “You think it's a good
idea to go camping this weekend? If you're worried about your mom, I can ask
her for you.”
Nathan
remembers the sliding shadow in her housecoat, the deepening dark circles under
her eyes. “It'll be okay. She'll let me go.”
They
have arrived at Nathan's final class. Roy has led the way, and at the last
moment lays his hand on Nathan's shoulder. The almost hidden gesture passes
unnoticed in the general commotion of classes changing, but for Nathan the
brief nervous flare sears him. I’ll see you after school."
Roy
hurries to his own class. Nathan takes his seat in Biology, opening his text to
the chapter on cell mitochondria.
The bus
ride home is intimate in a way Nathan can hardly credit, as if, out of all the
noisy creatures on the bus, only he and Roy truly exist. Even when Nathan looks
out the window at the tattered autumn fields, Roy watches from the overhead
mirror, eyes hanging in the air.
He
stops the bus on the dirt road, when all the others have gone. He calls Nathan
to the front of the bus. The press of his body is familiar and heady. He traps
Nathan's head against his chest. They hold still against each other, breathless
through silence, till the distant drone of a truck motor warns them of itself.
Roy releases Nathan unhurriedly. “We won't have to worry about this kind
of shit in the woods.”
Still
without hurry,
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