what it looks like.”
But Kylie already looks disturbed. She’s given up on me. In her eyes, I’m incapable of redemption. “I don’t… really care what it looks like, or what it is.”
“I do.”
She’s looking away from Lori, and now, she’s looking away from me, too. “Cool, just make sure she puts on clothes if she’s going to be anywhere near set, okay?”
“Got it.”
I give in, because I have to. I can’t have this conversation here, like this. Kylie turns and retreats quickly, leaving Lori and me in her wake, and I’ve never felt so winded in my life. I came here to change my life and get a new start, and I’m right back where I was before I got cast. Fan-fucking-tastic.
Chapter Twenty-Two: Kylie
Once a porn star, always a porn star. I don’t want to be this judgmental person, and I’ve tried to reserve that judgment completely, but I can’t help but feel that burning in the pit of my stomach. I’m not sure that he’s sleeping with his agent, but it looked pretty obvious to me. Maybe people in porn just have a different idea about what’s acceptable and what’s not on film sets.
When I approach the set again, I’m already in a bit of a manic place. I take a few deep breaths to keep myself calm and professional. I tell Rob, “Brett’s coming within ten.” I wonder briefly if Brett actually came , too, but the thought makes me uncomfortable.
Karen hands me a digital camera, and I set to work taking photos in the bathroom, the way the towels are flung on the floor, the order and angles of the toiletries on the counter. Today, I guess, I’m the continuity girl.
I catch a glimpse over at Rob when I’m done, and Melanie has come to set. She’s talking to him, and it looks somewhat intense. I don’t want to interrupt the process. To intrude into the conversation between a director and his actress would be counterproductive. Nevertheless, it looks intimate. He’s not pointing at the set, he’s not motioning or showing her the script where they review things. This is a personal conversation. She looks anxious, and he looks intense.
I don’t mean to watch with so much interest, but it’s almost mesmerizing. I wonder if he looks at me with this much intensity, and if so, I wonder how I’ve missed it.
Melanie suddenly turns towards me to look. I scurry to avert my gaze, trying desperately to pretend as though I wasn’t studying the whole conversation myself. To make matters worse, as soon as my attention is elsewhere, Brett is there, and he looks almost as intense as Rob had. “Can we talk?”
I’m really not in the mood. “It’s not a great time.”
“We don’t have to do it now.”
I sneak another glance towards Rob and Melanie, but they’ve separated now. I glance down at my Chucks. “Okay. My schedule’s pretty full, but we’ll see.”
“Why don’t you just call me?” The desperation in his tone is really weird. He obviously needs to talk to me about something, and I feel bad that I’m considering telling him to screw off.
I finally relent. “Yeah, okay.”
Relief washes over his features and he gives a nod, squeezing my upper arm. “Thank you.”
“No problemo.”
It isn’t a problem, but I’m reluctant nonetheless. What could Brett possibly have to say to me now? If he’s ashamed about Lori’s display… well, he should be, but that’s not the point. What am I going to do? Judge him? That’s not my job. If he wants someone’s opinion about his lifestyle, he should just call his mother or something.
I’m on autopilot for the rest of the day.
Rob can tell, I know. He brings me a hotdog from the lunch break earlier, and it’s cold, but it’s the thought that counts. I take a bite in front of him, even though it’s disgusting. That’s when he tells me, “I don’t think I can come over tonight.”
I nod. I’m proud of myself with how well I’m able to hide my disappointment with the news. Maybe I am learning and growing as a person. Or
But Kylie already looks disturbed. She’s given up on me. In her eyes, I’m incapable of redemption. “I don’t… really care what it looks like, or what it is.”
“I do.”
She’s looking away from Lori, and now, she’s looking away from me, too. “Cool, just make sure she puts on clothes if she’s going to be anywhere near set, okay?”
“Got it.”
I give in, because I have to. I can’t have this conversation here, like this. Kylie turns and retreats quickly, leaving Lori and me in her wake, and I’ve never felt so winded in my life. I came here to change my life and get a new start, and I’m right back where I was before I got cast. Fan-fucking-tastic.
Chapter Twenty-Two: Kylie
Once a porn star, always a porn star. I don’t want to be this judgmental person, and I’ve tried to reserve that judgment completely, but I can’t help but feel that burning in the pit of my stomach. I’m not sure that he’s sleeping with his agent, but it looked pretty obvious to me. Maybe people in porn just have a different idea about what’s acceptable and what’s not on film sets.
When I approach the set again, I’m already in a bit of a manic place. I take a few deep breaths to keep myself calm and professional. I tell Rob, “Brett’s coming within ten.” I wonder briefly if Brett actually came , too, but the thought makes me uncomfortable.
Karen hands me a digital camera, and I set to work taking photos in the bathroom, the way the towels are flung on the floor, the order and angles of the toiletries on the counter. Today, I guess, I’m the continuity girl.
I catch a glimpse over at Rob when I’m done, and Melanie has come to set. She’s talking to him, and it looks somewhat intense. I don’t want to interrupt the process. To intrude into the conversation between a director and his actress would be counterproductive. Nevertheless, it looks intimate. He’s not pointing at the set, he’s not motioning or showing her the script where they review things. This is a personal conversation. She looks anxious, and he looks intense.
I don’t mean to watch with so much interest, but it’s almost mesmerizing. I wonder if he looks at me with this much intensity, and if so, I wonder how I’ve missed it.
Melanie suddenly turns towards me to look. I scurry to avert my gaze, trying desperately to pretend as though I wasn’t studying the whole conversation myself. To make matters worse, as soon as my attention is elsewhere, Brett is there, and he looks almost as intense as Rob had. “Can we talk?”
I’m really not in the mood. “It’s not a great time.”
“We don’t have to do it now.”
I sneak another glance towards Rob and Melanie, but they’ve separated now. I glance down at my Chucks. “Okay. My schedule’s pretty full, but we’ll see.”
“Why don’t you just call me?” The desperation in his tone is really weird. He obviously needs to talk to me about something, and I feel bad that I’m considering telling him to screw off.
I finally relent. “Yeah, okay.”
Relief washes over his features and he gives a nod, squeezing my upper arm. “Thank you.”
“No problemo.”
It isn’t a problem, but I’m reluctant nonetheless. What could Brett possibly have to say to me now? If he’s ashamed about Lori’s display… well, he should be, but that’s not the point. What am I going to do? Judge him? That’s not my job. If he wants someone’s opinion about his lifestyle, he should just call his mother or something.
I’m on autopilot for the rest of the day.
Rob can tell, I know. He brings me a hotdog from the lunch break earlier, and it’s cold, but it’s the thought that counts. I take a bite in front of him, even though it’s disgusting. That’s when he tells me, “I don’t think I can come over tonight.”
I nod. I’m proud of myself with how well I’m able to hide my disappointment with the news. Maybe I am learning and growing as a person. Or
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