purchased them a pair of tickets and put them in the line for the elevator, and then they were going up, up, up. Ethan’s ears popped as the alcohol soothed the frayed edges of his nerves, and then the doors opened. Randy took his hand again, and they walked out of the round, window-filled room onto an open-air balcony. Las Vegas, in all its hedonistic glory, glittered below.
They stood there for a long time, just looking out at it, soaking it in.
When he was able, Ethan said, “It’s beautiful.”
Randy nodded. “I come up here when I feel a little crazy.” He paused, then added carefully, “Not that I think you’re crazy.”
“I’m not sure it’s entirely sane to sell everything you have, drive to Vegas, and spend all your money with plans to put a bullet in your brain when it’s gone,” Ethan said.
Randy shuddered and squeezed Ethan’s hand. “Don’t even say that.”
Ethan watched the lights again for awhile, his eyes lingering on the Bellagio fountains as he found them on the Strip. They were huge, even from here.
“If it helps,” Ethan said, “I don’t think I was going to go through with it. When I lost that last five dollars at roulette, I was terrified because I’d realized I didn’t want to end it, not like that, but I didn’t know what else I was supposed to do.” He smiled, remembering. “Then this idiot came and started betting on me.”
Randy laughed, but without a lot of humor. “Sorry, Slick.”
This time it was Ethan who squeezed his hand. “Don’t be.”
They stood in silence again.
“I’m a little out of my element here,” Randy confessed. “I’m not normally… deep. I’m going to apologize in advance for any fuck-ups I make in my inexperience.”
Ethan’s eyes were still on the lights. It looked like the world’s largest Christmas display, and it was ten times as soothing. “It just hit me badly. I think I knew I didn’t mean as much to him as he did to me, but I didn’t want to admit it. All the signs were there in the way he arranged his life, in the double standard he had with everyone, but I loved him, and I told myself that he might be that way with other people, but he wouldn’t be like that with me. It hurt, a lot, to find out I was wrong.”
“What the fuck did he do to you, Slick?” Randy asked.
Ethan shook his head. “Not now.”
Randy sighed. “I wish he were here right now. I’d throw him over this goddamned rail and cheer when he hit the street.”
Ethan smiled sadly and turned to kiss Randy’s temple. The gesture caught Ethan on the edge of his heart, and he held himself there a second, shutting his eyes and taking in a deep draught of Randy. “What the hell are we doing?” he whispered.
“Damned if I know,” Randy replied. He reached up and threaded his fingers into Ethan’s hair, keeping his eyes out on the Strip. “But I hope to God we’re fucking eventually.”
Ethan slid a hand around the back of Randy’s waist. “How about we go to your place and do that now?”
They went back down the elevator quickly, hiding in the back of a crowd of Korean tourists and running their hands discreetly over one another as the elevator shot down like a bullet, and then they were back on the street and heading into a cab, where Randy gave the driver an address. He drew Ethan against him and made maddening love to his ear as they slogged through the traffic again, heading onto a more open boulevard, moving deeper and deeper into the city.
“I’m leaving my truck at Herod’s,” Randy whispered between nibbles. “Don’t want to fuck with it, and I’m probably too drunk to drive anyway.”
“Sure,” Ethan whispered, shutting his eyes and leaning back as Randy’s mouth slid to his neck and his hand to Ethan’s thigh. He felt himself spinning again, like that moment at the fountain but safer, more contained. He let himself hang there,
They stood there for a long time, just looking out at it, soaking it in.
When he was able, Ethan said, “It’s beautiful.”
Randy nodded. “I come up here when I feel a little crazy.” He paused, then added carefully, “Not that I think you’re crazy.”
“I’m not sure it’s entirely sane to sell everything you have, drive to Vegas, and spend all your money with plans to put a bullet in your brain when it’s gone,” Ethan said.
Randy shuddered and squeezed Ethan’s hand. “Don’t even say that.”
Ethan watched the lights again for awhile, his eyes lingering on the Bellagio fountains as he found them on the Strip. They were huge, even from here.
“If it helps,” Ethan said, “I don’t think I was going to go through with it. When I lost that last five dollars at roulette, I was terrified because I’d realized I didn’t want to end it, not like that, but I didn’t know what else I was supposed to do.” He smiled, remembering. “Then this idiot came and started betting on me.”
Randy laughed, but without a lot of humor. “Sorry, Slick.”
This time it was Ethan who squeezed his hand. “Don’t be.”
They stood in silence again.
“I’m a little out of my element here,” Randy confessed. “I’m not normally… deep. I’m going to apologize in advance for any fuck-ups I make in my inexperience.”
Ethan’s eyes were still on the lights. It looked like the world’s largest Christmas display, and it was ten times as soothing. “It just hit me badly. I think I knew I didn’t mean as much to him as he did to me, but I didn’t want to admit it. All the signs were there in the way he arranged his life, in the double standard he had with everyone, but I loved him, and I told myself that he might be that way with other people, but he wouldn’t be like that with me. It hurt, a lot, to find out I was wrong.”
“What the fuck did he do to you, Slick?” Randy asked.
Ethan shook his head. “Not now.”
Randy sighed. “I wish he were here right now. I’d throw him over this goddamned rail and cheer when he hit the street.”
Ethan smiled sadly and turned to kiss Randy’s temple. The gesture caught Ethan on the edge of his heart, and he held himself there a second, shutting his eyes and taking in a deep draught of Randy. “What the hell are we doing?” he whispered.
“Damned if I know,” Randy replied. He reached up and threaded his fingers into Ethan’s hair, keeping his eyes out on the Strip. “But I hope to God we’re fucking eventually.”
Ethan slid a hand around the back of Randy’s waist. “How about we go to your place and do that now?”
They went back down the elevator quickly, hiding in the back of a crowd of Korean tourists and running their hands discreetly over one another as the elevator shot down like a bullet, and then they were back on the street and heading into a cab, where Randy gave the driver an address. He drew Ethan against him and made maddening love to his ear as they slogged through the traffic again, heading onto a more open boulevard, moving deeper and deeper into the city.
“I’m leaving my truck at Herod’s,” Randy whispered between nibbles. “Don’t want to fuck with it, and I’m probably too drunk to drive anyway.”
“Sure,” Ethan whispered, shutting his eyes and leaning back as Randy’s mouth slid to his neck and his hand to Ethan’s thigh. He felt himself spinning again, like that moment at the fountain but safer, more contained. He let himself hang there,
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