They were either too brash and manly or drank too much. People weren’t as open then either, so if I was attracted to someone, most of the time I didn’t know if she was gay. And I’ve never been the aggressive one, never the one to make a move or give someone my number. So I worked all hours and in my free time talked to Penny on the phone and listened to her tell me about the meetings she went to and the sober women she lived with. And I went to see her. This went on for a couple years before that night at the Holiday Inn. I saw those Christmas-tree eyes and my life changed.
Three nights? she asked as she looked at my reservation. I don’t think I managed more than a nod in response. You happen to be free for a drink or a bite any one of those nights? Just like that. After two words and a nod she asked me out. Kelly has never been shy, and thank God. I nodded again, and the next night she took me to a steak house near the harbor, and the night after that she made me cream of asparagus soup and a big salad with pears and walnuts and chunks of avocado. It was the best salad I’d ever had. I know it sounds insane, but the next night I was on a plane to New York drafting my resignation. I was twenty-eight and had been alone for a long time. I watched people my age at the Lowell pair off and make plans, throw dinner parties and go on vacations together, get engaged. I knew I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I moved in with Kelly two months later and took a job at the Westin Hotel as the night manager. It was a far fall down the scale from the Lowell, but I didn’t care. I was with Kelly and near Penny, who was clean, living in a sober house, and working in ad sales at a local newspaper. For a long while I was what most people would describe as happy. I didn’t feel that low, lonely ache I’d felt in my gut my whole life—growing up in Worcester, at school in Amherst, and in New York, especially on the weekends after Penny left. For the first time in my life, I was happy. We didn’t have a ton of friends—Kelly had her brothers and nephews, and I had Penny. Outside that circle we liked plenty of people well enough, colleagues and neighbors and acquaintances, but we mainly kept our own company. Wenever got wrapped up in the gay scene, which was for young people, and we weren’t young anymore. We had our small tribe and that was enough.
Kelly and Penny bickered sometimes, like sisters, and every so often a dinner would end abruptly, Penny getting worked up over something Kelly had said, usually political, and storming out. But Kelly adored Penny and was always the first to show up to her house if a pipe burst or if she needed help painting a room. She was always at our house with this girlfriend or that—none of them stuck—watching movies, cooking meals, bragging about her softball-team victories, complaining about work. She didn’t have far to go since she lived two doors down to the right from the end of our street. Kelly always used to say that if the wind was just right, she could throw a Frisbee from our stoop and hit Penny’s house.
And then, out of the blue, a couple of kids climbed through Penny’s window and raped and strangled her to death. She was alone, the girl she was seeing—she always liked them young—was still in college and asleep at her dorm that night. It was late, three or four o’clock in the morning, and no one heard her screaming. I still have nightmares about what she must have gone through, how terrified she had to have been. For a long time I didn’t speak beyond muttering. Neither did Kelly. We just sort of coexisted in near silence for months. We went to our jobs, came home, went to bed after eating something. The world had changed and we with it. Penny’sfamily did not come to her funeral. A friend from New York came, and a girl we knew in college, too, the staff at the paper where Penny had become associate publisher, her softball team, her sober friends. And us. I was a
Three nights? she asked as she looked at my reservation. I don’t think I managed more than a nod in response. You happen to be free for a drink or a bite any one of those nights? Just like that. After two words and a nod she asked me out. Kelly has never been shy, and thank God. I nodded again, and the next night she took me to a steak house near the harbor, and the night after that she made me cream of asparagus soup and a big salad with pears and walnuts and chunks of avocado. It was the best salad I’d ever had. I know it sounds insane, but the next night I was on a plane to New York drafting my resignation. I was twenty-eight and had been alone for a long time. I watched people my age at the Lowell pair off and make plans, throw dinner parties and go on vacations together, get engaged. I knew I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I moved in with Kelly two months later and took a job at the Westin Hotel as the night manager. It was a far fall down the scale from the Lowell, but I didn’t care. I was with Kelly and near Penny, who was clean, living in a sober house, and working in ad sales at a local newspaper. For a long while I was what most people would describe as happy. I didn’t feel that low, lonely ache I’d felt in my gut my whole life—growing up in Worcester, at school in Amherst, and in New York, especially on the weekends after Penny left. For the first time in my life, I was happy. We didn’t have a ton of friends—Kelly had her brothers and nephews, and I had Penny. Outside that circle we liked plenty of people well enough, colleagues and neighbors and acquaintances, but we mainly kept our own company. Wenever got wrapped up in the gay scene, which was for young people, and we weren’t young anymore. We had our small tribe and that was enough.
Kelly and Penny bickered sometimes, like sisters, and every so often a dinner would end abruptly, Penny getting worked up over something Kelly had said, usually political, and storming out. But Kelly adored Penny and was always the first to show up to her house if a pipe burst or if she needed help painting a room. She was always at our house with this girlfriend or that—none of them stuck—watching movies, cooking meals, bragging about her softball-team victories, complaining about work. She didn’t have far to go since she lived two doors down to the right from the end of our street. Kelly always used to say that if the wind was just right, she could throw a Frisbee from our stoop and hit Penny’s house.
And then, out of the blue, a couple of kids climbed through Penny’s window and raped and strangled her to death. She was alone, the girl she was seeing—she always liked them young—was still in college and asleep at her dorm that night. It was late, three or four o’clock in the morning, and no one heard her screaming. I still have nightmares about what she must have gone through, how terrified she had to have been. For a long time I didn’t speak beyond muttering. Neither did Kelly. We just sort of coexisted in near silence for months. We went to our jobs, came home, went to bed after eating something. The world had changed and we with it. Penny’sfamily did not come to her funeral. A friend from New York came, and a girl we knew in college, too, the staff at the paper where Penny had become associate publisher, her softball team, her sober friends. And us. I was a
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