Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 by Amanda Egan Page A
Authors: Amanda Egan
Tags: Humor, Humorous, Literature & Fiction, Contemporary Fiction, Contemporary Women, Women's Fiction, General Humor, Humor & Satire
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July
I also forget how disorganised Lou is.
A weekly food shop just never happens but regular visits to the Co-Op opposite do - sometimes right up until closing time at 10, even though Cam, Ned or I have been sent at different stages through the day/afternoon/evening to get emergency supplies.
Last night she started to make the gravy - no stock. Trip to Co-Op #1
Then she decided she wanted to make a garlic and red wine gravy. Trip #2
Max & Finn were thirsty. Apple juice carton empty. Trip #3
And finally … realised we had no crackers for the cheese later. Trip #4
Eventually sat down to eat at about 10.30, but almost too tired to eat it.
Tuesday 8 th July
Another forgotten trait - when Lou gets drunk, she always makes a play for Ned!
Cam & I just take it in good humour because we know she doesn’t mean anything by it and Ned usually just looks a bit embarrassed.
Last night was no exception. We’d finished off the last of the second bottle of Galliano and were all rather merry. It was clear that Lou was exceptionally so, because she hadn’t checked on Finn for about an hour.
“And now I’m gonna perch ma wee botty on this gorgeous man’s lap”, she slurred as she made her way towards Ned. “Och, we’ve missed our Neddie, haven’t we Cam?”
“Aye, Hen”, Cam looked at me and giggled. A ‘here we go again’ look on his face.
“What’s it feel like to have a bit o’ Scottish totty on yer strappin’ thighs, eh?” By this point her eyes were positively crossed.
But I’ve never seen someone sober up so quickly as when Finn walked into the room clutching his teddy bear.
“Och ma wee lamb”, she said as she jumped from Ned’s lap towards Finn. “Have yeh a tummy ache? Tell Mummy where it hurts. D’yeh need some Calpol?”
And that’s my best friend - an incorrigible flirt (but only ever with my husband and in my vision) and a totally disorganised but loving mother and wife.
Realised why I love coming to Tilly so much.
Wednesday 9 th July
Spent the day at Strathclyde Park - we hate it but the boys are just about old enough to enjoy it properly so we do it for them.
Finn was allowed on any rides that Lou had given the full once over for safety and security but she didn’t go on any herself as we’d had another bit of a heavy session last night and she said she didn’t want to go puking her breakfast up over the people below. At least we got to spend time together having a girlie gossip and slagging off any slappers we could spot - a favourite college pastime of ours.
“Wear your posh charity shop dress tonight Lib”, Lou told me. “Me and Cam have a surprise for yeh. And make sure that hunk of a husband of yours wears sommat decent too.”
A surprise? Lou had managed to be organised enough to plan a surprise?
Now that’s one in itself.
PM
We were sent to our room and told to beautify ourselves for later.
Of course we were also given sole custody of Max and Finn (Lou would find it impossible to keep an eye on them and organise our surprise) so it didn’t make for a relaxing time.
Max was teetering around in my boots and a bra and Finn was experimenting as a makeup artist on the ‘Rocky Horror Show’ with my brand new lipstick. Ned was oblivious to it all and read a book.
And then I heard Lou scream, “Cam, get to the bloody Co-op, I’ve nae got any butter!”
Thursday 10 th July
One more thing I choose to forget about Lou (or me & Lou). We always manage to have at least one massive barney during our time together.
This time it just happened to blow up during last night’s ‘surprise’ - a lovely dinner and cake in honour of my birthday as they won’t be at my party in August.
Everything had been going really well. Max and Todd had gone off to bed early, Lou had made a beautiful job of the table and the
I also forget how disorganised Lou is.
A weekly food shop just never happens but regular visits to the Co-Op opposite do - sometimes right up until closing time at 10, even though Cam, Ned or I have been sent at different stages through the day/afternoon/evening to get emergency supplies.
Last night she started to make the gravy - no stock. Trip to Co-Op #1
Then she decided she wanted to make a garlic and red wine gravy. Trip #2
Max & Finn were thirsty. Apple juice carton empty. Trip #3
And finally … realised we had no crackers for the cheese later. Trip #4
Eventually sat down to eat at about 10.30, but almost too tired to eat it.
Tuesday 8 th July
Another forgotten trait - when Lou gets drunk, she always makes a play for Ned!
Cam & I just take it in good humour because we know she doesn’t mean anything by it and Ned usually just looks a bit embarrassed.
Last night was no exception. We’d finished off the last of the second bottle of Galliano and were all rather merry. It was clear that Lou was exceptionally so, because she hadn’t checked on Finn for about an hour.
“And now I’m gonna perch ma wee botty on this gorgeous man’s lap”, she slurred as she made her way towards Ned. “Och, we’ve missed our Neddie, haven’t we Cam?”
“Aye, Hen”, Cam looked at me and giggled. A ‘here we go again’ look on his face.
“What’s it feel like to have a bit o’ Scottish totty on yer strappin’ thighs, eh?” By this point her eyes were positively crossed.
But I’ve never seen someone sober up so quickly as when Finn walked into the room clutching his teddy bear.
“Och ma wee lamb”, she said as she jumped from Ned’s lap towards Finn. “Have yeh a tummy ache? Tell Mummy where it hurts. D’yeh need some Calpol?”
And that’s my best friend - an incorrigible flirt (but only ever with my husband and in my vision) and a totally disorganised but loving mother and wife.
Realised why I love coming to Tilly so much.
Wednesday 9 th July
Spent the day at Strathclyde Park - we hate it but the boys are just about old enough to enjoy it properly so we do it for them.
Finn was allowed on any rides that Lou had given the full once over for safety and security but she didn’t go on any herself as we’d had another bit of a heavy session last night and she said she didn’t want to go puking her breakfast up over the people below. At least we got to spend time together having a girlie gossip and slagging off any slappers we could spot - a favourite college pastime of ours.
“Wear your posh charity shop dress tonight Lib”, Lou told me. “Me and Cam have a surprise for yeh. And make sure that hunk of a husband of yours wears sommat decent too.”
A surprise? Lou had managed to be organised enough to plan a surprise?
Now that’s one in itself.
PM
We were sent to our room and told to beautify ourselves for later.
Of course we were also given sole custody of Max and Finn (Lou would find it impossible to keep an eye on them and organise our surprise) so it didn’t make for a relaxing time.
Max was teetering around in my boots and a bra and Finn was experimenting as a makeup artist on the ‘Rocky Horror Show’ with my brand new lipstick. Ned was oblivious to it all and read a book.
And then I heard Lou scream, “Cam, get to the bloody Co-op, I’ve nae got any butter!”
Thursday 10 th July
One more thing I choose to forget about Lou (or me & Lou). We always manage to have at least one massive barney during our time together.
This time it just happened to blow up during last night’s ‘surprise’ - a lovely dinner and cake in honour of my birthday as they won’t be at my party in August.
Everything had been going really well. Max and Todd had gone off to bed early, Lou had made a beautiful job of the table and the
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