talk about?â
âTruth?â
She nodded. The train whistle blew again, and the lights flickered as we hit the tunnel.
âNever thought about my future because I knew I didnât have one.â
Heidi stared at me like Iâd just sprouted horns.
âIâve never met anyone who didnât think about the future before.â Her face was a big question mark. Darcy Parker wouldâve been proud. âIt was pretty much a rule in my house. You saw how it was. Good grades. Impressive activities. Check and check. It was all so we could be successful. All I ever really wanted to do was draw, but you know what my parents thought of that. I donât even think they noticed when I stopped showing them my stuff. But even then, I still thought about the future as this thing, this thing with possibilities, this thing that would actually happen at some point.â
She got real quiet.
I poked her in the arm a little.
âWell, it wasnât like I wasnât thinking about anything. Just not the future. Best I could do was have a good time as long as the ride lasted.â
She put my hand back on the table. âDid you?â
âActually, yeah. I just didnât realize it at the time. But what would plans for my future have done to make my life any better? What was the point? I saw what Popâs day was like and didnât want any part of it. He got up before sunrise. Went to work at the base. Busted his butt fixing planes. Came home. Drank beer, watched Americaâs Deadliest Animal Attacks or whatever on TV, fell asleep in his La-Z-Boy. On weekends, heâd fix stuff that got broke around the house or work on his model train set, which we used to do together until that one time I spilled Coke on a switch tower and he yelled at me until his voice kicked out. I kept my distance after that, and so did he. It was like I broke the switch tower and he broke what was left of us. Every so often heâd ask me about homework or getting a job, but we both knew we were just going through the motions, and that there was nothing much ahead for me, less even than he had.â
She sat there watching me and we finally blasted out of the tunnel. My nose started to sting a little bit, but I just rubbed it and kept on going. I was glad she didnât ask me any more about Howard or rehab or Pop. I didnât have any answers about why she couldnât Commune with the living, or why she hadnât flown up yet. I wished I knew where to look for the handbook.
I felt fully exhausted all of a sudden. âA life like my popâs was gonna be as good as I could get â and probably not even that much on account of I could never live up to his way of doing things. Guy couldnât even stand being around me.â
âYou donât really believe all that, do you? Your dad loved you.â
âNope,â I said. âTrust me, there wasnât a lot to love. I usually made a mess of things.â
âAll parents love their kids. Itâs a rule.â
âMaybe in your world. But in mine, no way. I was watching him once when you were taking a nap. He was at work, talking with his buddies, who were all going on about the dumb stuff their kids had done. His supervisor was all, âBut your boy, he kind of won on that score, right? No offense or anything.â
âMy dad got this look on his face, the one he used to get when Iâd flask up really bad, where it looked like he was two parts shocked, three parts disappointed, and one part like he wanted to punch someone. And he said, âYeah, guess so. Shoulda probably put âtook him long enoughâ on his grave, right?â I shooped out of there real fast after that. Havenât watched him since.â
Heidiâs mouth hung open a little bit, and I tried not to stare at her lips. There was something about the way the train lights hit that top part of her lip, the part where it dipped under her nose. It
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