the other bed,
curled up under the sheet like a baby.
‘Hey, Sash?’ I
whisper. ‘You okay?’
All I get is a
whimper.
‘What’s wrong?’
I get out of bed and sit beside him. His face is stuffed into the pillow and he
won’t look at me.
‘Turn off the
light,’ he mumbles. ‘Please.’
I do as he asks
and go back to his side. Flashes of lightning cast weird patterns on the wall
and I glimpse a face drenched in tears.
‘What happened?’
He shakes his
head and snuffles into the pillow.
‘Hey, you can
tell me, Sash.’ I reach out and stroke his head.
He grabs my
hand. ‘Promise you won’t tell the others?’
‘Course I
won’t.’
He heaves
himself up, wipes his soggy face on the sheet and looks at me with desperation
in his bloodshot eyes.
‘Did
something…happen?’ Though I’m curious, I don’t want to intrude.
‘Do you think
that someone could… could think they’re gay, and then find out that maybe
they’re not?’
‘Uh, I don’t really
know.’
‘Em…’ I can
hardly hear him. ‘If I tell you that I’ve never actually done it, would you
believe me?’
‘Sure.
Definitely,’ I lie.
‘I mean…’ still
not looking at me. ‘Never done it at all. With anyone.’
It takes a
moment for this to register. ‘You mean, you’ve been saying you’re gay…but you
haven’t actually had sex?’ I try to keep the disbelief out of my voice.
‘You know what
the wankers at our school are like. You know how they carried on, what a bad
time they gave me…’
I nod. ‘Those
guys, all that teasing, they really convinced me I must be gay. I wasn’t
attracted to any of them, and because I hated them I thought they were right,
that I’m gay for sure. I thought that once I left school and got out into the
real world, I’d find nicer guys, and that it would all happen somehow.’
‘How do you know
it won’t happen? What about that guy tonight at the club? Didn’t you like him?
He certainly seemed to be into you.’
He makes a face.
‘It didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like me . Sort of like playing a part in a movie
or something. I…I can’t explain it.’
‘Maybe he wasn’t
the right one.’
‘No,’ he shakes
his head. ‘It wasn’t anything to do with him. It was to do with me. Don’t you
understand Emma? I didn’t want to do anything with him. I was… was disgusted.’
I smile wryly. I
know all about disgust, about being a dislocated cubist woman. But this isn’t
the time to go into it.
‘Would you…I
mean, could you, er, can we sleep together, Emma? I really like you and then
I’d know if I…’
I’m totally
horrified. ‘No! No way! Sacha I like you and everything, but you can’t turn
these things on and off like a tap.’
I’m a little
insulted. A lot, actually. He must see me as easy. My fault. He knows too much
about me. If only I hadn’t confided in him. I go back to my own bed. What would
Dessi do? If only she was in that other bed, I wouldn’t be in this situation.
Shit! What do I do now? Best keep things calm, not show how I feel sorry for
him… not show any compassion…
‘Em?’
‘Go to sleep,’ I
say abruptly. ‘Just go to sleep, Sash.’
Next morning things all
round are strained. Especially after Jodie pale faced and sweaty, stumbles in
looking grey and sick.
‘She’s done it
again,’ Kaz says grimly, half dragging her into their bedroom. ‘I’ve a good
mind to post her back to Mummy and Daddy. Truly, I’ve had enough, Emma. Come
and help me undress the silly bitch and get her into bed.’
Between us, we
haul Jodie on to the bed and start undressing her. ‘Oooh! Look at this!’ Kaz is
openly revolted. There, stuck in Jodie’s navel, is a metal ring. A very large
metal ring and where it’s been inserted, the skin is shiny and red.
‘God!’ I gasp.
‘Do you think it’s infected? When did she get it done?’
Kaz is openly
stressed. ‘Must have been yesterday when she disappeared all
curled up under the sheet like a baby.
‘Hey, Sash?’ I
whisper. ‘You okay?’
All I get is a
whimper.
‘What’s wrong?’
I get out of bed and sit beside him. His face is stuffed into the pillow and he
won’t look at me.
‘Turn off the
light,’ he mumbles. ‘Please.’
I do as he asks
and go back to his side. Flashes of lightning cast weird patterns on the wall
and I glimpse a face drenched in tears.
‘What happened?’
He shakes his
head and snuffles into the pillow.
‘Hey, you can
tell me, Sash.’ I reach out and stroke his head.
He grabs my
hand. ‘Promise you won’t tell the others?’
‘Course I
won’t.’
He heaves
himself up, wipes his soggy face on the sheet and looks at me with desperation
in his bloodshot eyes.
‘Did
something…happen?’ Though I’m curious, I don’t want to intrude.
‘Do you think
that someone could… could think they’re gay, and then find out that maybe
they’re not?’
‘Uh, I don’t really
know.’
‘Em…’ I can
hardly hear him. ‘If I tell you that I’ve never actually done it, would you
believe me?’
‘Sure.
Definitely,’ I lie.
‘I mean…’ still
not looking at me. ‘Never done it at all. With anyone.’
It takes a
moment for this to register. ‘You mean, you’ve been saying you’re gay…but you
haven’t actually had sex?’ I try to keep the disbelief out of my voice.
‘You know what
the wankers at our school are like. You know how they carried on, what a bad
time they gave me…’
I nod. ‘Those
guys, all that teasing, they really convinced me I must be gay. I wasn’t
attracted to any of them, and because I hated them I thought they were right,
that I’m gay for sure. I thought that once I left school and got out into the
real world, I’d find nicer guys, and that it would all happen somehow.’
‘How do you know
it won’t happen? What about that guy tonight at the club? Didn’t you like him?
He certainly seemed to be into you.’
He makes a face.
‘It didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like me . Sort of like playing a part in a movie
or something. I…I can’t explain it.’
‘Maybe he wasn’t
the right one.’
‘No,’ he shakes
his head. ‘It wasn’t anything to do with him. It was to do with me. Don’t you
understand Emma? I didn’t want to do anything with him. I was… was disgusted.’
I smile wryly. I
know all about disgust, about being a dislocated cubist woman. But this isn’t
the time to go into it.
‘Would you…I
mean, could you, er, can we sleep together, Emma? I really like you and then
I’d know if I…’
I’m totally
horrified. ‘No! No way! Sacha I like you and everything, but you can’t turn
these things on and off like a tap.’
I’m a little
insulted. A lot, actually. He must see me as easy. My fault. He knows too much
about me. If only I hadn’t confided in him. I go back to my own bed. What would
Dessi do? If only she was in that other bed, I wouldn’t be in this situation.
Shit! What do I do now? Best keep things calm, not show how I feel sorry for
him… not show any compassion…
‘Em?’
‘Go to sleep,’ I
say abruptly. ‘Just go to sleep, Sash.’
Next morning things all
round are strained. Especially after Jodie pale faced and sweaty, stumbles in
looking grey and sick.
‘She’s done it
again,’ Kaz says grimly, half dragging her into their bedroom. ‘I’ve a good
mind to post her back to Mummy and Daddy. Truly, I’ve had enough, Emma. Come
and help me undress the silly bitch and get her into bed.’
Between us, we
haul Jodie on to the bed and start undressing her. ‘Oooh! Look at this!’ Kaz is
openly revolted. There, stuck in Jodie’s navel, is a metal ring. A very large
metal ring and where it’s been inserted, the skin is shiny and red.
‘God!’ I gasp.
‘Do you think it’s infected? When did she get it done?’
Kaz is openly
stressed. ‘Must have been yesterday when she disappeared all
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